The girl with the dragon eyes ( middle earth fanfic )

Self harm

( CALISTA'S POV )

It was getting kinda late and we were sitting around the campfire. I was listening to Balin tell us stories and tales from long ago when Bofur cam up and held out a bowl of soup.

"No thankyou" I said. He looked a bit puzzled that I would decline food and said
"We haven't seen you eat once, surely your hungry" he argued. By now the whole company had gone quiet and was watching us.

I looked down at my feet not really liking this type of attention that I'm getting.
"Calista, eat" Thorin ordered while coming to stand infront of me.
"I'm not hungry" I told him.

I was hungry but I choose not to eat very much anymore because of weight issues. You see living out here means I have to be small and fast to be able to pass through undetected so I made a sacrifice to only eat enough to keep me alive. Being what I am means that I can go longer than most without food so on average I eat once or twice every 3 weeks.

"I don't care, eat" Thorin said grabbing the bowl from Bofur and placing it in my lap.
"I'm going to go train" I said placing the bowl on the ground and walking a small way away from the company.

While I threw my daggers at trees and other small targets I made was relieving, I still had some anger bottled up inside of me. It is very dangerous for everyone when I start feeling emotions. The most dangerous are scared and angry so I try to release into my training and not on middle earth.

Even though I can't feel emotions very easily, when I do feel them I feel them stronger than most. I could hear the dwarves talking and instantly new it was about me because of the way they kept looking at me. I didn't watch them back but I could feel their gaze burning into me as I collected my weapons.

I stayed up all night keeping watch, I was supposed to wake up Dori for next shift but I didn't because I knew I wouldn't sleep anyway. On my right hand, the one without my tattoo, I had a fingerless gloves that reached up to my elbow.

This is just another way I released anger when I felt it, by inflicting pain on myself. I pulled the glove off to show many scratches and scars starting from my wrist and ending where the glove ends. Unlike all my other injuries, these ones I did on purpose with my own knives.

I pulled out a throwing knife and held it against my wrist
"I am a monster" I whispered as I slashed my skin.
"I deserve pain" I added another scar to my arm. Again and again I told myself what a horrible monster I was while I added the scars for proof to myself.

"I will never love nor will I ever be loved" I scolded myself
"I hate myself" I broke down. Even though I can't cry I can curl up and try. I hated that I couldn't let my emotions go in tears instead of pain but that's just part of being what I am. My arm was covered in fresh blood and I was just sitting there.

Do you know how I told you that I can't feel emotion easily but when I do I feel it a lot stronger than most, well when I'm sad I feel grief stricken. I just want to shut the world out forever and cry. But I can't cry so instead I hurt myself to remind me of what I am. Several times I considered suicide but Gandalf always helps me through.

When I'm scared I'm terrified, mind you I hardly ever get scared but still it happens. I hate this feeling because it is the only time I feel truly weak and vulnerable.

If I'm mad then I'm really angry and you don't want to mess with me. You leave me alone if you want to live when I'm feeling that because quite often I do regrettably things when I'm angry.

The most dangerous of all is when you put those emotions together. When that happens you run because during that time I lose control. I could destroy middle earth as we know it if lost myself to emotion. Even I'm in danger when that happens because I can't control myself but that hasn't happened in 50 years.

The last time it happened I destroyed only a small forest before I collapsed from exhaustion. I was so young I had no control so I hurt myself more than the forest. When I woke up I was wrapped up in blankets next to a campfire where Gandalf helped me recover.

There I learnt what I truly was and my capabilities, but that is a story for another time.

I had my face buried in my knees and my arms wrapped around myself. I sat like that for hours until it was almost dawn. I got up and pulled back on my glove so no one would see, I then started waking everyone up so they could get ready.

There was only a couple more hours until we got to Bree but I figured the sooner we get there the better. I stepped over dwarves waking them up then walked over to my hores, Shadow. He was grazing with the other ponies when I found him.

"Hey boy, how are you" I pulled out an apple and gave it to him. I was untangling his mane when Kili walked over and stood next to me with a plate of food in his hand.

( KILI'S POV )

When I got up I saw Calista over by her horse. I decided to try and get her to eat something so I grabbed a plate and walked over to her.
"Hey" she said. I gestured to the pate in my hand and said
"Hey, breakfasts ready" I'm not hungry she said going back to brushing her horse.

"To bad" I said grabbing her wrist and pulling her over to a seat. It wasn't easy and the only reason I could pull her was because I caught her by surprise.
"Now are you going to eat willingly or am I gonna have to force you to" I smirked at her and she just scoffed.

"How are you going to do that" she said raising an eyebrow. I then tightened my grip on her wrist and pulled her down so she was sitting in my lap.
"Like this" I said, I used one hand to hold her waist so she couldn't escape and the other to hold the fork. Before she could object I shoved the food in her mouth.

Everyone looked on in amusement while she swallowed and coughed at the sudden movement. I patted her back and laughed at the expression on her face.
"There I ate, can I go now" she said. Before I could grab her and pull her back down she was up and on top of her horse.

"You had one bite" I yelled after her.
"Yeah well, i-I'm full" she called back, I just sighed and got up to get ready.

"Move out" Thorin called once we were all on our ponies and following Calista to Bree.