Hurt Me Harder (Kylo Ren x Reader)

Collateral Damage

Two weeks since you'd last spoken to Kylo had come and gone. You half expected him not to put in his notice, but he did. It was strange, reading the email that he sent to your class, that another professor would be taking over in two weeks' time. For the entire duration you'd been at college, you knew Ren to be the brooding and foreboding English department head. It was nearly impossible to picture him as anything different.

The two weeks went by in a daze. You didn't speak after class. You barely looked at him. Every time you sensed his eyes on you, you felt as though you'd crack under his gaze. You averted his eyes under all costs, waiting. Waiting silently for him to come to you, to tell you that he'd been wrong, that he'd been cruel, and that he wouldn't leave, and that he wanted you by his side.

He never did.

Friday, two weeks later, finally came around. It was his last day of teaching. You sat at your small desk that was positioned next to his. You didn't look at him as he lectured. You sat with your knees pressed together, your entire body clenched, fighting tears. You hadn't expected his last day to come around. You were sure that by this time, he would have taken back his notice. He would have said that he was staying after all.

But his last day was here. You were living it. You almost couldn't believe it. It was sobering. Numbing. Perhaps the first wake-up-call came earlier in the week, when you got your first email informing you of your new assignment. You'd stay on as TA for the professor that would replace Ren. That had been an eye-opener for sure.

You didn't listen as he lectured, couldn't focus if you tried. The same ringing in your ears that had been present the last time you spoke was ever-present and deafening. You stared ahead, wishing you were invisible, yet unable to bring yourself to care that you weren't.

Halfway through class, you took to staring at the clock on the back wall. 30 minutes left. 20 minutes left. There was still time for him to take back his notice. To stop class, to announce that he was staying after all. 10 minutes left. Then 5. Then 1. And when the clock hands were mocking you with the declaration that the period had come to an end, it was the final blow.

Once Ren had dismissed the class and given them a short and emotionless farewell, you sat firmly in your seat even as every student before you gathered their things and prepared to leave. He wasn't staying. This was it.

You felt empty.

With a shuddering breath, you finally stood, your face tense and set firmly to try and hide the trembling of your jaw. You remained silent as you gathered your bag, gripping the strap as you slung it over your shoulder. And then, you turned to him, to take one last look at the man you loved.

Kylo was already staring at you. He remained silent as the rest of the stragglers headed from the lecture hall and into the hallway before exiting the building altogether, eager to get back to their dorms, apartments, or houses, undoubtedly excited to enjoy their weekend, to have fun, feel alive, like anyone your age should.

You couldn't imagine feeling alive or happy ever again.

And it was his fault. Your eyes narrowed at him. A strange emotion flooded your body, one you didn't recognize. It was like hatred, but it wasn't quite there. You were furious with him, but couldn't quite bring yourself to hate him no matter how hard you tried. You felt betrayed, you felt neglected, but couldn't will yourself to turn on him completely, even though you longed to.

The double doors at the top of the stairs clanged shut as the final straggler left the room. You heard the thudding clunk of metal and the hiss of the last trace of air through the cracks, and the sound jolted straight through your heart.