from august to december

chapter ten

"i-i couldn't sleep," he stuttered to answer her question and looked back up at the sky, trying to count the stars.

"does counting the stars help?"his therapist asked while chuckling quietly, which made her yawn.

and her yawn made eli yawn.

"yeah, we used to do that all the time," he responded and a small smile found its way onto eli's beautiful face.

the moonlight illuminated it softly, making his tan skin shine a little when he looked at his therapist.

"we?" she asked and also turned her head to look at him, seeing how the little dots glowed even brighter than usual on the sky today.

eli didn't speak, suddenly the old familiar sadness creeped up on his shoulders.

"you know, the boys and me."

yeona tried to make eye contact with him, wanting to reassure him because she knew how hard it still was for him to talk about this.

but somehow, as they say, the tiredness makes you talk, telling people things you weren't supposed to say.

"there was a heavy thunderstorm today, and i called him," he started, and he stared somewhere randomly, not blinking once.

"and he sang for me again, like it was before."

the doctor slightly turned her torso towards him and pulled her knees to her chest, listening to him as if they were in one of their sessions again.

even though the chilly air made her shiver slightly, she tried to hide her own discomfort.

"who?" she whispered, making eli smile softly as he thought about eden's face, and the wide smiles on his face.

"i have never told you about him, he was my first love," he confessed truthfully before finally taking his eyes off the thing he was staring at and instead looking into yeonas eyes.

he had made her curious.

"his name was eden,"
"his?"

eli nodded and slightly fidgeted with his fingers, looking away.

"it's okay, you know i don't judge you, eli," she assured him before giving him her typical therapist grin.

she was always advised to keep the professional space between her and her patients, but with eli and his touching story that she, herself could relate to, it was hard.

"eden was the best thing that ever happened to me. he would look me in the eyes and tell me i was beautiful, the best person to ever exist. and he would hug me with such lightness that i felt like i was floating."

yeona continued to listen to him.

"but he never felt quite the same for me, his eyes were always on someone else when we would walk together, i could feel he wasn't with me because he loved me, but because he feared to be alone," eli stated and those words made a few salty tears form in his eyes, that he quickly tried to swallow.

"however, i couldn't let it go, i would fall for him all over again when he apologized to me, he promised me everytime it wouldn't happen again."

his therapist thought it was best not to touch him, not to take his trembling hand in his and stroke over it gently.

"then, it happened and we lost each other completely. until today, while it was thundering. because eden used to always sing to me when i was scared, especially after my own mother died," now, the tears were too many for eli to just swallow them, and he decided to just cry.

he never felt the need to appear strong in front of people anyways, he wasn't like yuri or shino, who never showed any type of emotion like this.

but he was weak.

maybe that's just who he was.

weak.

and unable to let go of something he held in his hand too tightly for so long, like a rope he gripped onto so harshly that his hand was bleeding.

but he had gotten used to the pain, and if it would disappear now, something would be missing.

"i know i shouldn't have, i should've let all of this go because eden always drags me with him, i'm so bad at leaving him."

yeona's gaze softened at the sight of eli starting to sob, his shoulders were shaking with regret and guilt, when he thought about what had happened.

what he had done,
because he was the reason they all broke apart.

it was his fault.

after waiting for a few seconds, yeona cleared her throat and started to speak.

"i think it's not bad that you called him," she simply said and shrugged her shoulders when eli looked at her in confusion.

"i know about him, i didn't know his name, but i know who you're talking about. because the first time you've been here, he was here too, and he helped you get out of all this."

finally, eli's mind clicked and he nodded.

"do you think there's hope that he has changed?" he asked hopefully, which made yeona feel bad.

"well what do you think?"

silence. as much as eden, eli hated silence, even though it was on him to answer now.

"honestly, i don't. my mind tells me i should let it go but my heart doesn't want to let it go."

yeona nodded.

"what do you want to listen to, then, your mind, or your heart?"

eli thought about it while furrowing his brows.

"my heart has gotten me inside of here, back to my starting point, it always makes me weak."

his therapist looked at him with big eyes.

"loving someone means letting them go if there's not a purpose anymore, that's strength, and that," she pointed to his chest.
"that comes from the heart, eli."

the red haired breathed out a long breath.

"you're right, hearts shatter a million times, but if the mind once shatters, the change is irreversible,"

"because the heart always remains the same, the purity it holds will always stand, it's just the mind's influence on it that makes you believe you're weak."