Infinity||H.S.

Sugar, We Are Going Down

Thomas and I argued a lot in the last week, since I told him to be exact, and it was my fault. I lashed out all my frustration on him and at first, he just took it, understanding the state I was in, but by the third time I yelled at him, he started to yell back.

I'm angry at myself, angry with at world but above this all, I'm scared shitless.

Thomas and I didn't even ever talk about having kids or when to have them. I never even thought about it for Christ's sake and yet here I am, prancing around my - our - loft as I wait for Harry to arrive so I can finally do a stupid pregnancy test as soon as I'll arrive back home and see Hannah.

I bought 7 tests. Just to make sure.

Why didn't I go to my gynecologist to make sure before? I'm a coward. I don't want to do this alone, and Thomas is not here, hence, I need Hannah. No one knows about this besides him and her. Not even Carter or Mae.

Someone may say: it's just a week, don't get your panties in a twist. That's where you are wrong my friends. I'm never late on my period. It's always punctual. One of the reasons I take the pill is to make sure it always arrives at the same time of the month - day more, day less.

What If am pregnant? What should I do? I'm not sure I'll have the guts to abort, but on the other hand, I don't want a baby.

Should have thought about it before being reckless.

I cried a lot this past week, and every time I closed my eyes to sleep I ended up having a nightmare, so at one point I decided to stay up, spending my nights in front of the television.

The intercom sounds, signalling the arrival of Harry and I get up from the couch, wiping the tears that yet again are wetting my cheeks.

I don't even give him a reply, I just open the front door and my door, before walking quickly to the bathroom to wash my face, in the hope he can't see I was crying.

"Elle?" He shouts as I walk out of the bathroom.

"Hi" I greet him as soon as I step back in the living room.

His eyes roam my face for a couple of seconds and he narrows his eyes, "What happened?"

Fuck him for knowing me so well. I hate that he can tell if something is wrong with just one look.

"Nothing... Everything is fine." I try to smile, "Do you want something to drink before we go?" I change che subject, walking to the kitchen but he stops me as I walk past him.

"First thing I want you to say 'Hi' and give me a hug." he deadpans, "Then, you could tell me why your eyes are red and swollen."

I sigh, turning completely in his direction and wrapping my arms around his torso. "Hi, Harry," I say in his chest, quickly moving away when I feel his arms move to hug me back. If he does, I'm not sure I could hold back everything. "I have allergies." I come up with the first thing I could think about.

"Allergy? To what?"

To the fact that I might be pregnant.

"Dust."

"Dust," he inquires and I nod, "Since when?" he asks, crossing his hands over his chest.

I walk past him and into the kitchen, opening the fridge to grab a bottle of water, "What's this? Twenty questions?"

He raises his hands on defence, "Just asking, chill Elle. Did you get your period?" he jokes, giving me a half-smile.

As if.

"Why is it that every time a woman has an awful day you men think she has her period? Can't we have a bad day? Of course not! We must all be menstruating whips."