Spaces Between Us

Spaces

"I guess," Harry started after a while, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat before continuing, "I guess we should start with the biggest question on the table. Why did you leave One Direction?" Zayn's eyes widened with surprise, he didn't expect to be called out like.In all honesty, he should have seen it coming. I mean, he talked about his unhappiness but what exactly was the source of his unhappiness?

"I don't know where to begin." Zayn admitted timidly, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, counting to ten before opening them again. "It wasn't just one thing, it was just a build up of things. I guess it started with the day I auditioned for the X-Factor, I didn't want to do it. I know I've joked about it in interviews, how my mum forced me but I genuinely didn't want to go. It took a whole hour of persuading by my entire family before I decided to go. And then we got put in the band and it all went so quick. It all seemed like a blur, I don't even remember what happened between X-Factor and our first tour. It felt like I was taken from one life and thrust into another without even being asked if I was ok with it. Don't get me wrong, I loved it at first, at least the parts with you guys. You know in the tour bus, travelling and so forth. I had really bad anxiety before and it only got worse with One Direction, being on stage with you guys was amazing but also so intimidating you know, being the only foreigner. I got a lot of hate that I hid from you guys, or when you did see, I pretended that I hadn't seen it. It got to me, they called me many things but amongst them was always the word terrorist. I'd see them on posters, when we were performing, on fan mail. One time, I was walking from a shop with Paul and this girl came up to me, she looked so kind. She asked me for my signature which I proceeded to do but then she spat on me, calling me a fucking terrorist and told me to go back to my country." The boys were silent, shocked with what they were hearing. They had been so occupied with the success of the band that they were oblivious to the suffering of another.

"Zayn, I-" Louis began but Liam gave him a sign to be still, so that Zayn could finish.

"I tried talking to Simon about it but he was always so busy, I reached out to Sarah and she told me to suck it up. It wasn't just that though, if it was just the hate I could have handled it. However, management they ruled over our lives like a thorn in our flesh. Telling you who to date Harry, and Niall forcing you to get braces, turning off your mic. You guys were strong, but I was not. They forced me to go to vocal lessons to see if I could reach a higher pitch, straining my voice till I could no longer speak. They got me involved me in so many interviews and press conferences, I didn't have time for anything. I didn't have time for my family, for my mum and my sisters, for Perrie." Zayn was crying at this point, tears spilling out of his eyes. "And when they did give me time with Perrie, they somehow made it convenient for paparazzi to find us. I was fucking miserable, I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep.Then management got on my back for my weight as well. Everyday the same shows, the same fucking songs. Always on that fucking bus. I was going crazy. I tried talking to you guys about it but when I saw how happy you were, I just couldn't. Especially you, Lou, you adored the band more than you did life itself. How was I supposed to talk about it with you. The spaces between us kept getting deeper, it was harder to reach you even though I tried."

"Zayn, I would have understood." Louis cried, and they all looked at him surprised. He was the last person they had expected to be crying. Harry walked up to Zayn, grabbing his hand and holding it.

"I am so sorry, I was your best friend. I should have been there for you, instead I got carried away." Harry apologized but Zayn shook his head, withdrawing his hand from Harry's grasp.

"No, Harry, you did nothing wrong. No one has to apologize. I did what was my best for myself and yes, I could have gone about it better, but I will not apologize for leaving the band."