Snow in August

Chapter Eight

Waking up had never been so completely awful before. Every part of Simon's body was in pain, especially his head. He looked around in his darkened bedroom, settling his eyes on the back of Baz.
"Grocery Guy," he managed to groan out. Baz turned away from the bin of records and went to sit on the edge of the bed. He looked so concerned, it made Simon wonder what the hell happened yesterday. So he asked. And Baz answered. "Fuck." He gripped Baz's arm. "I am so sorry, Baz. For everything-for what I said, for who I am-" Kissing? Why was Baz kissing him after being treated so bad?
"I'm just glad you're ok. I thought you were... I was so worried, Simon. I should have known something was wrong and I should have been there for you."
I love you so much, Simon wanted to say. I'm a piece of shit and I don't deserve you.
"You're the most incredible person I've ever met," he decided to say. Baz shook off his blush and started examining him.
There was a huge bruise across his side from where that random guy from the bar kicked him. He couldn't even imagine how beat up his face looked. When he asked what caused the need for bandages on his knees, Baz said he didn't really know. Simon tried to remember any part of last night. Some of it came back. Baz screaming at him, Penny screaming for him.
"Penny, do you know where she is?" Simon wobbled out of bed, using Baz for support.
"I tried calling her last night when you ran off but she didn't answer." Of course she didn't answer, she was bleeding out on the floor.
He searched through his coat and jeans until he found his phone and immediately called. He was not expecting Micah to pick up the phone.
"Fuck you, you little fucking cunt! You cowardly piece of rat shit. Where's my friend?" Simon yelled into the microphone.
"Oh, you mean the friend you abandoned and left to die? She's at the hospital with someone who actually loves her and cares about her."
"You fucking-" Baz took the phone and hung up. He leaned forward, staring Simon right in the eyes. (And looking down at his lips quite a bit.)
"Listen to me. I'm going to make you some eggs. You're going to eat the eggs and then I'll drive you to the hospital. Clear? You're eating breakfast, it's happening." Simon nodded. It was easier to not act out when his brain felt like Jello. He realized this was the longest he'd been sober in a really long time.
When a sudden image of Penny popped into his mind, the eggs no longer stayed down. Her face, tearstained, overwhelmed and disappointed, and the scissor when it bounced off the wall and across her stomach... Simon found himself on the floor of the bathroom. Tears burned in his eyes as he retched into the toilet. Baz sat and held him when it was over. He told Simon it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have stopped what happened because they were all so angry when it did. He said it was ok that Simon wasn't always prepared to fight.
"I think I'm addicted to drugs. And alcohol. And drugs-I did cocaine last night." He looked up from Baz's chest. Baz held him even closer. He had the same look on his face that Penny did last year when Simon was in the hospital after getting his stomach pumped. "Don't look at me like that." Like I'm just a victim. "Take me to Penny, please."
The car ride was quiet. Baz kept glancing over and touching Simon's hand or arm. He kissed Baz's cheek.
"Don't pity me, Baz, I mean it."
"I don't pity you. I was just thinking... maybe you should see someone." Simon just turned to look out the window. They were rushing by the world so fast he thought maybe the world would never catch up. "I just... I love you." It was not even above a whisper. It was a hush, as natural as breathing. Simon turned to look at him.
"What did you say?" No one but Penny and Agatha had ever said that to him before. Baz stared down the car in front of them.
"Nothing, Snow." Simon pushed his finger across Baz's hair, trailing it down his pink cheek.
"Well nothing goes for me too, Pitch." His face softened, even though everything about him stayed sharp. Deep grey eyes glanced between the road and Simon.

"Look at that, the first time you don't come over in the morning since I almost killed myself and it's because I almost killed you. That's... there's some irony in that-that's funny, right?" He avoided looking at Baz, who's face probably had the same expression that everyone's always did when they found out.
"No. Simon, it's not the least bit funny. It just shows how recklessly destructive you are. One fucking thing and you go off the rails and sabatage your entire life." That sounded familiar. It hurt just as much the second time.
"Now wait a minute," Baz stepped in. He didn't have that look of shock and false sympathy, he seemed angry.
"Baz, one month ago I didn't know you existed, and now you're the center of his fucking life. That's weird, it's fucking weird. I've been there for Simon through everything and you just pop up and I don't matter anymore."
"Now just doesn't seem like the time to be jealous-"
"Shut up, Simon, you absolute fucking train wreck." No no no, not Penny no. "Go home and get wasted, that's what you do right?"
"Stop! Stop it, that is not fair!" No, she was right. Baz tried his best to defend his boyfriend, but Simon was nothing short of a catastrophe. "And fuck you, by the way." Baz glared at Micah who just folded his arms and pretended to be scary.
Simon backed out of the room. He did ruin everything. He really did just want to go home and ignore the world and drink himself into a coma. He had never been in control of his life and when he was finally able to, all he did was destroy it. He opened his eyes and found himself in a ball on the floor outside the hospital room. They were shouting so loud inside and it was all his fault.
"I would never cheat on her!"
"You're a sodding liar!"
He thought it would never end. But finally Penny kicked them both out of the room.
"Snow, hey, Simon. Love, are you alright?" Baz bent down and held Simon's face. He closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. "Talk to me, Simon." He didn't speak though. Nothing he had to say was worth anyone's time. "You are not a train wreck. Well, you're a train wreck and a half. But even more you're a hurricane. You're electric. Anyone you talk to goes into shock because you're..."
"A piece of shit?" Simon offered.
"No, no. You're stunning. Simon, you're a beautiful fucking disaster."
"How do I get better?" He asked quietly.