The Orion Star

Hitting Rock Bottom

I don't think he knows that. I don't think he knows how much that one, simple act means to me. And fuck me, now he's never going to understand how much he means to me. It wasn't just my body I offered up to him, it was my trust, and my love. And I let him in and I fucked it all up.

And it's that reason that I can't fucking sleep and why I keep hallucinating that the shadows are moving, and why I keep hearing someone whispering and I don't think it's me. And the stupid sleeping pills aren't working. I took one yesterday and it didn't do anything. And I took the last one I had today, but all I can do is sit on the edge of my bed and think about how much I miss Tristan.

So I do something that makes sense to me in the moment. I pull out my phone, bringing up Jake's number. After a couple rings he answers.

"Orion," is the curt answer.

"Do you have Simon's number?"

A pause. A very long pause.

"Are you there?"

"Yes," he replies.

"So do you?"

"Yeah..."

"Could I have it please?"

"Why?"

"I want to apologize for being a dick to him last time we spoke."

"Oh. Er, sure. I'll text it to you."

"Wonderful, thanks!"

"Hey Orion--um, I was kinda, kinda hoping we could talk--"

"I really want to get this out of my system before my balls fall off and I'm too scared again to apologize to him, so I can't talk right now Jake."

"O-oh. Okay. Well call me when you're done, please? I need--I need to talk."

"Sure."

After I hang up I receive the text with Simon's number. I feel like such a shit bag for lying. But I've lost count of how many days I've gone without sleep, the sleeping pill did literally nothing, and my brain won't shut the fuck up. I just want silence. I just want some Goddamn sleep.

"Orion?"

"Hey," I say into my phone, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly.

"Hey...Well, you're the last person I thought would call."

"How'd you know it was me?" I scratch my forehead with my thumb nail.

"I forgot to delete your number."

"Oh..."

"So what's up?"

"Er, I just--I wanted to apologize for the last time we spoke."

I can almost hear the shrug over the phone. "Honestly? It's okay. I know you've been through some stuff. And I just want you to know that you can get as angry as you want, but I'll always be your bro, right?"

I can't help but chuckle. "Yeah..."

"I mean, fuck, man. We've known each other since we were little."

"Y-yeah..."

"You okay?"

"Um, yeah. Well, no. I'm just--well I'm going through a lot. And I can't sleep. And I was kinda wondering if you had something--anything--that could help relax me?"

A long pause.

"Simon?"

"I d'no man...Are you sure that's a good idea?"