They Never Said It Would Be Easy

April 14, 2018

We are done. After almost four years together, Colin and I have broken up. The worst part is that he never cheated or did anything unforgivable. I never cheated or did anything unforgivable. We were going down different paths. We grew apart and Colin didn't care to help us grow back together.

Our life after college was not what I expected it to be. I thought that we would be together all the time, but we saw each other less than we did while I was at UCLA and he was at Berkeley. I wanted us to work so badly. I thought we were destined to be together. But relationships don't work if only one person is willing to put in the effort. It won't work if you run at the first sign of conflict and that is exactly what Colin did.

It has been a week since I left Colin's apartment. A week since I saw him, saw his blonde hair and brown eyes. A week since I heard his voice. When I made the decision to walk out that door, walk out of our relationship, I had hoped that he would run after me, but he didn't. That was when I knew that he didn't care for me the way he once had. He never tried to contact me since that night and I believe that was very telling of the way he felt about us. He was done. No matter how badly I wanted to text him or call him or show up at his door and say I was sorry, sorry for not being understanding of his work, sorry for leaving and not giving him the chance to make things right, I knew I made the right decision. If I stayed, I do not think things would have changed. We would have landed at the same destination, it just would have taken more time.

Although I know that the breakup was for the best, I am still utterly and completely heartbroken. I think back to how things were so good in the beginning and I just can't understand how we ended up here. Why did things have to be so hard? Why couldn't things come easy for me, just for once? All I could do was think about how this could have been prevented. Was there a way to make things work? Or were we a recipe for disaster from the start? I spend every hour outside of work sitting in my room, running through scenarios in my head, but I can't come up with a way to make things work. We want different things in life and it is a reality I needed to accept. 

Casey and Morgan knew about the breakup the night I came home from his apartment. I ran into my room, tears running down my face, and sobbed into my pillow for hours. They came in and sat on my bed with me, trying to comfort me, but it was a lost cause. I needed time to cry, to let my emotions out. I had been holding onto my frustration for so long that when I finally let it out, it was a disaster. It was as if a storm had just hit the city of LA and whoever didn't take cover would get taken out within seconds. Morgan and Casey eventually realized that this was something that I needed time to figure out on my own. For the rest of the week, they gave me the space I needed to grieve the past four years of my life. Whenever I wasn't at work, I sat in my room, alone, trying to sleep and forget the reality that I was currently living in. 

At the end of the week, I finish up my day of work and am ready to go home for the weekend. I walk to my car, buckle in, and turn on the ignition. I sit in the parking lot for a few minutes and get to thinking about the direction my life was going in and how miserable I have been the past week. I can't let myself go home and continue to sit by myself in my room, wasting time thinking about what could have been. I need to get out of the apartment, so I decide that I would drive to a place that can help me think about my next step in life. 

I pull out of the parking lot and start driving. I know exactly where I am going. I have been here once before and for some reason my mind can't forget it. It is a place that has given me a sense of hope, as if anything was possible during one of the happiest times in my life, so I am hoping that it can give me that same feeling at one of the lowest points in my life. 

I park my car and walk into LACMA, the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. I want to go back to the Urban Light exhibit and see those street lights again. I thought about the last time I was here. I was with Colin. We came during the afternoon, with the sun still shining, not a single cloud in sight. We came out to the exhibit and I connected with it. I loved the idea of restored art, restored light. But this time, I am alone. The sun has already set and it was pitch black, except for the light coming from the street lamps tightly knit together. I sit down across from the light and the tears start to fall. I can't help but think about Colin. The light burned out in our relationship, but I need just an inkling of light to spark up in me because I am feeling nothing but pain and loss. I am cold and empty without our light. I feel like I am losing everyone I love in my life, but the street lights remind me that even in my darkest times, I can find light.