Callum PTSD One Shot

PTSD One Shot

"Hey, what's happening?"
Callum snaps back to reality with a crash, eyes wide and bewildered, his breathing frantic, heart racing faster than a car going at top speed. He begins to sweat, and feels as though his throat is closing, which in turn caused him to panic more.
"Cal look at me, deep breaths okay, you need to have deep breaths." Callum focuses his eyes on Ben, who is performing some sort of breathing exercise, his lips pouting as he performs them. Callum struggles to breath, feeling as though he is back in the mine, back watching the man who meant to most to him die.
"S'all my.. fault.. he died" Callum breathes out, in between his attack.
"Callum nothing is your fault, now I need you to look at me. Now." Ben's eyes come into focus, the blue of the sea dancing within them. "In and out"
Callum follows his instructions, allowing his breathing to regulate.
"That's it, keep going, in and out."
Before long Callum's panic attack has subsided, and he's being pulled towards Bens chest once more. He holds on to him, scared if he lets go, he'll leave him too. He'll be taken away from him. He couldn't shut his eyes, because all he sees is Chris, terror reining as he realised he was going to die.
"Cal, hear me out okay? What if... what if we went and visited Chris's grave? I mean it might give you some closure?"
Callum looks at Ben, panic forming in his eyes.
"I'd need to go out?"
"Well, yes, but I'd be right there with you. I've got you remember."
Callum thought about what Ben had said. Maybe visiting would be a good idea. Maybe it's what he needed. Nodding slowly, he begrudgingly flung himself in a shower, standing under scalding water, willing the memories that were burned in his mind to melt off and slip down the drain with the water. They don't.
Stepping out and into grey joggers and an oversized hoodie, he stood before Ben, who subconsciously ran his tongue across his lips at the sight of his boyfriend.
"Let's go."
"You can do this."

Pulling up to the cemetery, Callum's palms become sweaty, his heart races. They step out of the car, and go in search of his grave. It wasn't long before they found it, and Callum stood frozen on the spot. Ben presses a hand on Callum's shoulder, before walking away and sitting on a nearby bench, allowing his broken man some time to fix his pieces.

Chris Kennedy
05/07/1991 - 12/03/2020
Loving and loyal friend, special brother and wonderful son.
Bravely taken, always remembered.

Sinking to his knees, Callum runs a finger along the gold lettering. Tears spilling freely.
"It was never supposed to end like this Chris, you were never supposed to be taken from me like that. You should be here, happy, living life to the fullest. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, I wanted to, and I think about it every night. Sometimes I wish it was me, I wish I had died. It would be better than this hurt, the constant aching I feel, the emptiness knowing you aren't here. Nothing helps, I sleep and you're in my dreams, I wake and you're in my vision. Psychiatrists don't help, they don't understand."
Playing with the grass, he looks over at Ben, who offers a smile and nod of encouragement, which causes Callum to focus back on Chris's headstone.
"I found Ben, well he found me technically, but you'd have loved him I reckon. I love him so much C, and he loves me, but I miss you. He had a special someone too. Paul his name was. He was taken from him before he should have been, so I guess that's why we clicked.
I'd give anything to go back to that day, I should have been more vigilant, I was in front. It was my duty to protect everyone with me, and I failed you. I'm so sorry Chris." Callum rests his head against the gravestone, heartbreaking sobs wrenching their way through his body, as the months of built up anger, hurt, hatred and pain surface. Anger at himself, for not doing his job properly. Hatred of himself for not being the one to die. Hurt at loosing Chris so soon and pain, from loving someone so much and having them teared away.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out the letter Chris wrote for him, it was handed to him after the funeral, but never bringing himself to read it.

My H, if you're reading this, I've probably gone and got myself killed, but I want you to know things. I dunno what I'd do without you to be honest, you've been my rock. There's been times where I've wanted to pack it all in and go home, back to my mam and dad, and sis, but you've been there. You know how to always make me feel better, how to make sure I'm doing okay, and loving me without even trying. We have some right laughs don't we eh? You always seem to know exactly what I'm thinking. You don't even know how amazing you are, but remember Halfway, the world ain't as bright and kind as you, you're a good person and I don't ever want anyone to take advantage of you. I don't want you to blame yourself for this, none of it is your fault, and I wish circumstances could have been different, but life has ways of working itself out in the end.
See the world, be brave and daring. Find yourself a perfect guy, who'll love those ocean blues you have as much as I did. I will forever and eternally love you.

Folding the paper up gently, Callum allows a few more tears to spill over, before he places a hand on the stone.
"I'll do you proud Chris. I promise."

Standing up, he looks at Ben, who's been silently watching, wanting nothing more than to comfort him, but knowing he needed this closure to be done alone, before making his way over.
"I'm ready to go, I'd like to start coming regularly though, maybe we could even visit Paul's?" The question feels sensitive falling from Callum's tongue, but as Ben smiles and leans in to place his lips gently on Callum's, he knows Ben will do whatever it takes to make him happy.
They wander back to the car hand in hand, Callum, still hurting and needing to heal, but knowing Ben is by his side, feels his heart slowing fitting it's pieces back together.