Wrinkles

The End

This story starts here. 

I looked at my hands; hands of a twenty nine years old woman and a tear battled against my eyelashes. The night has grown colder than ever. Maybe it is my exhausted body almost ready to collapse. 

Our days together were everything but mundane. Except for your favourite omelete in breakfast, nothing happened twice in our life as a couple. Your passion for amateur filmmaking and souvenirs collectomania exposed me to the extremes of wanderlust. Now here I am, in the lounge waiting for the boarding to start, and my eyes are wandering here and there. I am waiting for you to come to me, close the book in my hands and show me the new luggage tag for your next trip or cheap keychains having our initials. You'd not take a moment in adorning my handbag. Why did you leave me? 

Is missing someone the most painful thing in the world or not being able to tell them that you miss them is? Does waiting hurt or not being able to forget everything makes you more miserable? 

But—why did you leave me? 

People would tell me you are very careless and I would get defensive because only I knew that they were wrong. Absolutely wrong. My fingers are grazing twenty one tiny keychains in the main zipper of my handbag and my throat is churning up. Why did you leave me? 

Your fingertips making meaningless patterns over the back of my hand while watching your favourite documentaries for the eleventh time. Sudden kisses on my hair at least ten times a day. Hundreds of laminated sticky notes here and there in our house reminding us of what happened when like the one pasted on the extreme left of the living room's chester saying, "You look so beautiful when you have runny nose. 12.12.2012." Why did you leave me? 

Life always gives you a second chance. At times a whole new lifetime within this lifetime. You were this lifetime to me. Your chuckles and absolutely bad dad jokes always made me question why were we even together while I would laugh helplessly. You had an absolutely horrible sense of humour, better say close to zero; no sense of humour at all, and initially I used to laugh pretentiously just not to break your heart until one day you came to me, your eyes mischievous, and then you laughed. I looked at you confusedly and then you said while pulling my cheeks, "Not all my jokes are meant to be laughable." Why did you leave me? 

We had no typical rules. I would watch all episodes beforehand and would watch them with you once again and of course, spoil them for you too and you'd ask for more let alone get mad. You were strictly against the idea of formal dress code at work while I would never leave for work without stilettos. "We look so odd when we leave for work everyday. Look at your heels and I am in my chappals." You would say while pointing at your loose jeans and sweatshirt and unlock the car. Why did you leave me? 

You made sure everyone knew I was in safe hands. Your love would show from my eyes, your care from my habits. I would miss you even after two hours of you leaving the house. You would call almost three times during the day and off an on texts would just help us spend the 9 hours of work while being away from each other. Your remarkable performance earned you lots of recognition while I just felt like quitting my job. Why? It was getting unbearable for me to live without you. Your belongings would come to my rescue when you'd not be home. I clearly remember it was nothing short of at least a thousand times that you asked me if I was okay since I used to be very career oriented and had high ambitions. I would just look at you and smile as I would say, "I want to stay home with you." Why did you leave me? 

From that rainy morning of August 2010 when we tied the broken strap of my handbag while being complete strangers drenched and stranded at the subway in Birmingham till this day, I have never fallen out of love. Why did you leave me? 

You'd kiss the pivot of my nose softly immediately after waking up every morning even after nine years of our marriage and I would still ask you to stay home. Why did you leave me? 

You knew it really well that co-habitation did good to me but it deprived me of my ability to live independently. You became my world. My everything. And exactly a year ago today, August 9, 2018, you never opened your eyes. I kept screaming your name at the top of my lungs, you never listened. You left me alone. Why did you leave me? 

Today, sitting in this corner couch waiting for the boarding to start, my hands are empty. You left me with nothing. Nothing to begin from; nothing to end on. My fingers are still grazing the cluster of keychains in the main zipper of my handbag. Out of 21 keychains, 20 are by the courtesy of the most important person to me who left me stranded forever. This moment is a moment of self reflection, catharsis and discovery. In this moment I love you the most. In this moment my grief is re-energizing. In this moment I am the most lonely. In this moment I am just yours and no one else's. 

What is the use of this life? I don't feel like waking up to anything else after you left. My laugh lines have transformed into the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth. Your belongings want to come to my rescue but I don't let them. It seems like my mind just registers your numb motionless face now. I want to recall your laughter and chuckles but all I hear is eerie silence of death. 

Why did you leave me? 

I don't know why I booked this flight. Maybe it is one of those thousand ways to keep your feeling close by. Maybe I am hoping for you to come to me and show me something that never caught my attention. Maybe I want you to take a guess that I am hungry and get me the most delicious food this airport can offer. Maybe I just want to be held. Maybe I just want us to die together. 

They say that the widowhood effect is real. I desperately want it to be real. I want to die only to live once again with you. I thought crying my heart out having your grey sweatshirt clenched in my fists would help, it didn't. I thought watching your films would help me remember your art, it didn't. It left me recalling everything you touched and every single time you'd ask me to adjust the casement of our living room for a natural light effect. The laminated sticky notes pasted everywhere suffocate me. 

Right now, I feel something building up in my throat. I think it is irreversible that my heart rate is going downhill. What my eyes can see is fading out. I am lapsing in and out of consciousness. I feel cold, very cold. 

Ah yes, that's the end. I cannot see anything but your face. You are kissing the pivot of my nose; softly, gently. Your arms are holding me and ......

~*~ 

Hi guys, 

Long absence. I hope you're doing well and staying safe. 

Tell me if you liked this one. The Way She Smiles was my last work here at Wattpad. Had to unpublish it for better and grander. 

The next stop is Wallflower. I just realized that it has really been a while. But yes, a lot of things have changed. Career, academics and personal life, 100% changed. 

Please stay safe and get vaccinated if not already and remember me in your prayers. 

Stay tuned, I guess I am back :) 

Much love, 

Sarah