Bourgeoisie Birds

Bourgeoise Birds

"All of the birds died in 1986 due to Reagan killing them and replacing them with spies that are now watching us. The birds work for the bourgeoisie." –Kendrick Smith

Bourgeoisie: the capitalist class who own most of society's wealth and means of production. -Lexico by Oxford

***

"Sir, the council has come to a resolution," Robert Collins, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, announced.

"And what resolution would that be? Come on, Collins, spit it out," President Reagan replied.

"Mr. President, sir...one camera in the sky could do the work of a hundred on the ground. It would make it much easier to track anyone we wanted if the cameras were in the sky."

"I'm listening," Reagan promised.

"Well, sir, frankly, the American people are completely fed up with pigeons, as you know. The amount of fecal matter is simply astonishing. They're the absolute scum of the skies."

"Get to the point, Collins." The director was a smart guy (heck, he was working for the Central Intelligence Agency) but he had a hard time stating things as they were.

"What if we killed the birds? More specifically, pigeons. We would replace them with surveillance cameras disguised as pigeons. Eyes in the sky, if you will."

"Interesting." The President paused. "And just how do you plan to accomplish this?"

"That's the problem, sir. We would need hundreds of thousands of dollars just to begin research on how to kill the pigeons, and millions to begin building prototypes."

"So stop worrying about the money. You know we can provide any materials needed. I want this to begin immediately."

"Yes, sir. I'll make sure of it."

"And Collins?"

"Yes?"

"This needs to be an extremely covert mission."

"Of course, sir."

***

Come on, Collins. Think. Director Collins had been sitting at his desk for hours on end, attempting to think of a way to kill all of pigeonkind, without killing birdkind, and without the general public knowing.

"Poison would be the easiest way," he muttered to himself. "But how to get a poison that kills only pigeons, and not all birds?" He eyed the telephone.

"It's a covert mission, Collins," he said in a high-pitched, imitating voice. He picked up the telephone, pressing the button for a no-trace phone call. "Hello, Watson? Yeah, I need you to come in for a quick chat. I've got a job for you. No, no, of course you shouldn't tell anyone."

***

"So this is it?" Collins asked.

"This is it," replied Dr. Watson, a scientist who was also employed by the CIA.

"And you're sure it will only kill pigeons?"

"We've done months of extensive testing. We've tested it on every bird in the United States, and only the pigeons have died. Now, I'm not saying it's a good idea. Of course not. But I'm saying it could do the job."

"And it won't kill any other animal, human, or any type of plant?"

"I wouldn't have asked you here if it weren't what you wanted."

"Perfect," the director said, an evil sort of smile on his face. "The president will be pleased."

"I'm sure he will," Watson replied. "Now, if you will come this way, we have a finished prototype of our surveillance bird." He led Collins over to another area of the lab, where a pigeon was standing on a table. Or at least, what looked exactly like a pigeon. The prototype's imitation feathers looked extremely real, and you couldn't even tell that its eyes were tiny cameras. It was even acting like a real pigeon, pecking at a few crumbs that were on the table.

"Now, if you will observe," Watson explained to Collins, "the surveillance bird acts just like a real pigeon. It even eats crumbs. We had to make sure the American people didn't suspect anything, and seeing as they feed the birds quite often, we had to make it believable."

"Of course, that's perfect," Collins said. "But where do the crumbs go? Part of the reason we chose pigeons was to get rid of all the fecal matter."

"The crumbs are compressed, and released once a week. If all pigeons suddenly stopped digesting their food, people would highly suspect something."

"Oh, right. That works. How soon can we have this mission going, Watson?"

"Do you have the planes ready, director?" Watson asked. "We can start this mission as soon as possible."

"Of course, I've had them ready for months now."

"Then Operation Water the Country is a go."

***

Operation Water the Country was the code name for the killing of the pigeons and replacing them with surveillance cameras. Several bomber planes had been outfitted with water tanks, which were filled with the pigeon poison. The poison would be sprayed at 8,000 feet above sea level, and either be consumed by the birds, or latch onto their feathers and work its way into their bloodstream. Of course, the specially formulated poison was only to affect pigeons.

"Sir, Operation Water the Country has been an extreme success," Director Collins told President Reagan. "We've managed to wipe out almost the entire pigeon population in America, with only a few thousand birds left in rural areas."

"I want the rest of them gone," Reagan said. "They will repopulate, and then we will have an astonishing amount of 'pigeons' in the skies. People might get suspicious."

"Of course, sir, we are working on it."

"How many birds have we released into the sky so far?"

"Over eight hundred thousand. Of course, as you know, the birds will eventually die off and will need to be replaced."

"Yes, I know that, Collins. I'm not stupid; I'm President of the United States for a reason." Reagan paused. "And the pilot operators had no idea what they were doing when they distributed the poison?"

"No, sir, I don't believe they did. All they know is that they were literally 'watering' the country-spraying water all over the country to assist in plant growth."

"Very good, Collins."

"Thank you, Mr. President."

"Well," President Reagan said, folding his hands. "The birds-pigeons to be specific- now work for the bourgeoisie."