Scared to Change

Chapter 1

Authors note: Hey! this is my first story. i hope you guys like it. if you have any feedback its much appreciated as long as its phrased in a nice way :) this is a second trigger warning for sensitive subjects such as Eating disorders, Self harm, negative self talk etc. please don't read this to trigger yourself- its hypocritical of me to say that because i do the same thing but i don't want my story to cause harm to anyone. I'm using this as a way to get my feelings out, i'm using it as a creative outlet. I myself struggle with the things i mention in this story. if you need to talk im here. i hope y'all enjoy!

Elliana pov-

Lights. Camera. Action. Live audience shows are the worst, it feels like everyone is picking apart every little thing I say or do. There is no double take. If I mess up, if I embarrass myself that's it. Every single person in this room will have seen it.

I stood studying my appearance in the full-length mirror situated in the corner of my dressing room. The Ellen Show. I'm about to be interviewed by Ellen about my new TV show, when you rise to fame in 6 short months everyone wants to interview you, they're all dying to talk to the new face on the scene and well I'm the new face.

This is all I've ever wanted; it gives me a purpose in life. Acting is what motivates me, and fame is the ultimate "you made it". So, I guess I could say I've made it, I should be happy right? Well I am... I guess. I am happy with my career, if I could marry it I would. But I've never been truly happy, I have a life time of traumatic experiences that have never been addressed, I've had an eating disorder for the last 3 years, self-harm has been a big part of my life since way before I was in the public eye and self-medication was the only form I was ever taught. None of that matters though- because people think I'm perfect and that's all I've ever wanted. To be good enough. Being an actress comes in handy when you're hiding your demons.

Suddenly I was ripped from my thoughts by a knock on the door. "Come in" I said smoothing down my light pink blazer turning to see who it was.

"hey Eli, you okay?" Jordan, my manager, asked. Jordan is amazing, he stands at around 5'10, light brown hair with a neatly trimmed beard. He's more like an older brother than a manager to me, getting to grips with how the industry works In 6 months has been difficult especially as an 18 year old who has just moved across country away from her family, but he's been by my side every step of the way.

I smiled and nodded, softly replying "I'm good, you need something?"

"oh no I was just letting you know they want you stage side so you're ready when Ellen announces you" I looked a Jordan with uncertainty, this is all still so new and its incredibly anxiety provoking. He must have noticed my apprehension because he walked over gently bringing me into a hug "you're gonna be awesome out there kiddo, you were made for this"

"thanks Jord, let's go before I get in trouble" I handed him my phone and we made our way to the stage.

"welcome back everybody, now we have a first-time guest on the show today. After rising to fame in just 6 short months I want to welcome actress and model Elliana Carpenter." I hear Ellen say just as I'm given my cue to walk onto stage, everyone is clapping. Wow this is overwhelming. I smile and wave as I make my way over to Ellen who gives me a quick hug before we take our seats. As the clapping beings to quiet Ellen begins to talk.

"Elliana, that's such a beautiful name anyway thank you for being here today "

I smiled wide looking around me at the audience and back to Ellen "aw thank you, it's a pleasure to be here. Honestly its surreal"

We spent the next 10 minuets speaking about the show and how I'm adjusting to life as an actress In LA. I was focusing so hard on not embarrassing myself and pulling my blazer over my stomach to hide it from the audience that I zoned out momentarily before I heard Ellen say something I was not expecting.