Thantophobia

36*

If you ever feel like falling, I'll be there to catch you.

H

~

I've never been one to feel things so vulnerably, so intensely, so fearfully. The misery and grief that comes along with dependency, not knowing or wanting to be alone. Don't get me wrong, the feeling of having someone, especially her, is more than I could ever imagine. I just hate the way my heart feels anchored to my stomach with the thoughts of losing her one day. The pangs of anxiety I get, that makes me question if I'm even worth her time. If I'm the one she really deserves. But then, it's her eyes, her laugh, the way she hugs me, her lips that I could get lost within forever, that speak her devotion. Her devotion cures my anxiety. I've become overwhelmed with emotions, that I never knew existed until she helped me discover them, when I think about our future together. Hope. I'm more hopeful about my future because I know that she will be in it and that's all I will ever need to be happy. It's all I want.

If I know anything about being in love, it's because of her. My hope and my devotion.

~

I close my journal and set the pen on top of it. I hear the bathroom door open. I twist my head to the side to see my angel of a fiancé walk out. I can't take my eyes off of her. How did I get so lucky to be loved by the most beautiful human to ever grace this planet? I watch her as she looks at herself through the fully body mirror that rest on the opposite wall in front of the bathroom door.

I know she trying to decide if she likes what she put on. The scrunch of her eyebrows and the tiny pout of her lips is an indication of her unsureness. To me, she looks stunning in anything she wears.

"You're beautiful." I compliment her, standing up from my chair and walking toward her. I see a faint hint of redness appear on her cheeks. I love how I can still make her blush after knowing her for so many years.

"Are you excited?" I ask as I wrap my arms around her from behind. I watch a saddened expression take over her face as she leans back against my body.

"What's wrong, angel?"

"I'm nervous." She admits, turning around in my arms, avoiding my eyes.

"How come?" I quietly ask her, rubbing my hands gently along her back trying sooth her discomfort.

"I'm nervous to see everything. I wish I could remember it all. This is where my parents got married. They were here. Now we are here and engaged to be married. It just makes everything feel more real. They won't be here to watch us get married." I hear her voice start to shake, so I pull her closer to me. She grips my shirt in her hands and lays her head against my chest.

"I know how hard this may be for you. I'm sorry that they aren't here to witness the rest of our lives unfold. It's moments like these where you truly start to miss the ones who aren't around anymore. It brings back all those memories once shared. I know thing is going to be difficult for you. But I'm going to be right beside you through it all. For the rest of our lives, I'm going to stand by your side when you feel like giving up or when the pain is too hard for you to handle. On those days where you can't seem to find the light, I will sit with you in the dark. I will do everything and anything it takes to remind you that you are the light of all lights and it's okay if there are days where all you do is flicker."

She lifts her head up slowly to look into my eyes. I see the tears that are slowly making their way down her soft cheeks.

"I love you and I will continue to love you through it all." I bring one hand up to wipe away the tears that keep escaping her hazel eyes.