Thantophobia

17

You are always my fate.

E

"I know you say that I'm mysterious, but I only know your name and what you do for work." I look over at Shawn as we walk down the sidewalk. He has his hands in his pockets and I can see his breath as he exhales from how cold it is outside.

"I'm not that interesting." He looks at his feet.

"Everyone says that." I bump his shoulder with my arm. He laughs.

"What do you want to know?" He looks at me.

"I want to know more about your dad's bakery." I softly smile at him. He smiles back and turns his head to look forward.

"He opened it when I was about 5. My mom was finishing nursing school and my dad was a construction worker. He liked building things, but his passion was food. I always remembered as a kid my dad being the one in the kitchen instead of my mom. He would teach me all these different recipes and we would surprise my mother with a new dish every night. Those were my favorite memories growing up." He takes a pause and clears his throat. I look over at him a few times as he speaks.

"When he got the building that used to be an old shoe shop, he worked day and night to fix it up. I would help him carry things in and paint the walls. I couldn't do much because I was only five. My uncles would come and help him when they didn't work. It took a while for everything to get settled, but once he opened, it never stopped. There would always be a line all the way out to the sidewalk. My dad never expected any of what he was given. I grew up by his side, watching everything he does. I have never seen some one more driven and inspiring than my dad. I knew when I was, I think ten years old that I knew I wanted to work with him. I didn't want to do anything else. He started working me when I started high school. I was so excited." He smiles brightly. It makes me smile.

"I've worked there ever since." He glances at me again.

"That's a beautiful story." I tell him.

"Thanks. Now, it's your turn to tell me your story."

"Not much to tell. Normal childhood with my parents and older brother. My parents worked a lot of the time but weren't absent in our lives. They tried their hardest to always show us love and affection and spend quality time together." I take a moment and breath before continuing.

"When I was a sophomore in college, my parents died. It was really hard on me. My brother was constantly busy with his job and I was just trying to get through my classes without breaking down every day. I slowly became depressed. I never went out. I was always by myself. I moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. I mainly took online classes because I never wanted to leave the home. It was a rough time, but I look back on those moments in my life and then I look at where I am now and realize everything happened for a reason. I'm where I am meant to be. I love my job and I've made some friends." I tell him. Shawn stops walking and turns to stand in front of me. I stop and look up at him.

"What about happiness?" He gives me a serious look.

"What about it?" I wrap my jacket around me tighter.

"Are you happy?"

I look down at my feet and the first thing that pops in my head is Harry. I always thought he was my happiness. I was always my happiest when I was with him. He made me so happy. Now, I'm not so sure. I think it's more of the memories that maintain my happiness.

"I don't know right now." I say simply.

"Why is that?" Shawn asks me.

"Because it seems like every time I get my hopes up, something comes along and shuts it all down." I whisper.

"Like what?" He questions. I look at his face and our eyes meet. He walks over and leans against the brick wall of a building and crosses his arms. I slowly walk and stand in front of him.

"Love." I mumble. He snaps his head up from the ground and stares at me. I can't quite tell what he is thinking. I sigh and look up at the sky.

"Sometimes it's not the butterflies that tell you you're in love, but the pain." I slowly back down and at him. He is looking up at the sky himself.

"But how do you say goodbye to something when your heart still wants to hold on it?" I quietly leave the question in the air between us.

"Who knows." He mumbles and pushed himself off the building. "Come one, let's get out of the cold." He wraps his arm over my shoulder, and we continue to walk. We walk for a few minutes then arrive at my place.

"It was really nice talking to you tonight." I stop in front of my steps leading up to my door.

"I had a great time. Having a real conversation instead of taking care of my drunk friend." He laughs lightly and I do too.

"Goodnight Shawn." I smile wider and turn around and take one step.

"I guess I'll have to wait for fate again to get your number?" He says. I stop on the middle step.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I look over my shoulder at him. He nods and smirks before turning around and walking back down the way we came. I continue up my steps and into my apartment.

////////////////

It's been almost two weeks since my spontaneous trip to LA where I practically ruined my own life. I haven't heard a single thing from Harry. The ache in my heart is there every day. It never leaves.

It seems like every night my thoughts before I go to sleep are always about Harry. I don't mind them. Old moments that we've shared pop up and make me smile. During the day, when I see couples on the street and in restaurants, it hurts a lot and reminds me of how Harry and I left things. When I get back home and it's just me and my thoughts, I tried to think of all our happy memories we had together.

I realized I'm never, ever going to forget him. I'm always going to love every part of him. I'm always going to search for others with a contagious laugh like his. The color of his eyes are forever my favorite color. I know I'm never going to fully get over him. I'm going to always have those nights when all the regret of my truth and all the pain my honesty caused me, comes rushing back. I'm going to miss him with all of my heart. Every day of my life. But I know that I will be okay.

Whether I'm without him or if we do end up together. I will be okay either way.

I wish I knew how he was. Was he in pain? Was he hurting? How is he? I want to call him or text him and see how he is, but I know I'm too vulnerable. No matter how much I want to hear his voice, I need time to get better.

I'm starting to learn that if you really love someone, learn how to wait. Maybe you're not meant to be together today but meant to be in the future. I hope this is true. I couldn't imagine my life where he isn't in it.

Its also comes to my attention that you know you are in love with someone, when you don't hate them for breaking your heart. It may be the most unbearable pain you've ever felt. It may linger inside of your chest for a very long time. It may be scary to know things have completely changed between you two. But deep down, your love for them will always over power the hate.

Harry specifically, is one of the hardest people for some one to hate. He may look like a badass guy with his tattoos and long hair, but he has such a good heart. He is soft, but strong. He is unapologetic but honest. He is the type of man that girls and even guys dream of. He's all I ever dream of.

Harry and I may have never dated. We may not have been together. He is not an ex of mine, but he is something that has never stopped. Something between yes and no. Sometimes the best and sometimes the worst thing in my life. He never completely goes or leaves my mind. Others may come and go. The love and admiration I have for him, deep down inside of me, will always make me go back to him.

I truly believe he is the love of my life.

He is my fate.

He is my life.

And nothing scares me more.