Risks of Absurdity

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

I was reduced to walking around like a zombie again. All the students and teachers blending together as blobs of color with no importance. I tried pinching myself a few times and bumping into walls in hopes this morning was a nightmare but so much luck.

I could be pregnant with Austin Carter’s baby.

The mere thought of it made me want to run and cry again. If I was having a baby it’d be the product of lies and manipulation grown from fear of a looming threat. I couldn’t stop thinking in his own way Logan was winning, my life was spinning out of control and it was his fault. I’d never forget the rogue as long as I lived.

The last bell finally rung and I was out of there. I made it to my car and remembered Andrea was staying late again to set up for prom.  I was relieved at least I didn’t have to wait for her. I didn’t want to spend another second in this place. I got in and drove away at a speed higher than the sign suggested. I couldn’t go home because I knew Mrs. Carter wanted to talk to me and my parents if she hadn’t already brought them up to speed. I didn’t want to face them and the heaviness of the situation.

For now I wanted to just be Sydney. Not Sydney the mom to be or Sydney the victim.

My drive took me to the park, the same park I let my desires triumph common sense and slept with Austin. Before it was tainted with the memories of my lapse in judgment I liked to come to the forest area of the park to think and observe the earth in her natural beauty.

A deep inhale of the air scented with fresh grass, overgrown trees, and dirt brought a smile to my face. Time stopped when you were in the wilderness. There was no cell phones ringing, no big crowds talking over each other, or the rush to keep up with the hectic day to day life of society.

Here I could just be. I lay out on the grass and stared at a large tree branch above my head. I hoped no birds decided to crap on me, nature wasn’t always beautiful.

I closed my eyes and let all my worries fade away. I concentrated on listening. Two miles up north lay a pond and the ducks were quacking. Flocks of birds flew together in harmony. Many animal species stuck together as a pack and relied on each other for safety. 

I relied on my pack for safety and now I might be pregnant. Oops, so much for not thinking about that.

I opened my eyes and stared up at the puffy white clouds. It was a nice day out, the air was nice with a breeze and the sky was really blue surrounded by white. It was nice and peaceful but fresh tears stung my eyes and ran down into my hairline. This wasn’t working, there was no escape.

“Sydney?”

I scoffed, he was right on time to add the cherry to my sour tearful mood. “How did you find me?”

“I saw your car parked on the street.” He wasn’t saying it but I heard the words on the tip of his tongue about how I shouldn’t be out here alone. Logan couldn’t force a bond through sex but he was still dangerous and could try anything to make me agree to take his side.

“I just want to be alone.”

And of course Austin went for the opposite of what I wanted. He kneeled down next to where I was sprawled out in the grass and searched my face. There was no hiding or covering up in time, my tears were there for him to see. The sight of his face did nothing to help my scattered emotions. I sucked in a tight breath and tried not to keep crying.

I closed my eyes and willed him away. The light touch of his fingers brushed across my wet face. I should be pushing him away and storming out of here, I should be cursing him out and punching him for reducing me to a blubbering mess, I should...and instead I let myself take comfort in his touch.

His hand moved around the nape of my neck and pulled me up from the grass into his arms. I gripped the back of his shirt and cried into his shoulder. His arms were strong around my waist. He whispered it was all going to be ok, that we’d figure out what came next because he wasn’t going anywhere.

I didn’t know how to hate him when he was being like this with me. He was saying all the right things, his touch still reached deep inside my soul. His body was firm and warm all over, in his arms with my eyes closed melting into him I was able to finally let go and let my problems take a back seat. It was strange that the cause of my problems was also the relief.

My tears stopped but I still held onto him just as tight as he held onto me. I knew I’d hate myself for this later but for now I took the sweetness of the moment with no apologies.

I had my head rested on top of his chest and his heartbeat was filling my ears. With every beat of his heart mine was filling with something mushy and girly, something that felt very dangerous. It was several moments when I said, “This doesn’t change anything. I still hate you.”

He shrugged nonchalantly at my words while his hand moved through my hair. “I don’t think you’ve ever hated me, Sydney. Sure, you don’t like me a lot of the time and you even want to kick my ass but you’ve never hated me.” He sounded pretty sure of his thesis.

“You’re wrong. I hate you for letting Logan get inside your head and pushing you into thinking there was no other choice. I’ll never forgive you, Austin.”  That was the truth even as I lay in his arms gripping him like there was no tomorrow.

“I don’t believe that either.”

“We don’t agree on something, what else is new.” I let myself stay there in his arms for another few minutes before I gathered every bit of strength I had to get away. I sat away from him and kept my eyes focused on a leaf skipping across the grass because of the breeze. “Can you do me a favor? Until we know something for sure I don’t want to worry my parents. Let’s keep this between us and you stop telling your parents every little detail.”

“I’m not telling them every little detail.” That sounded vaguely suggestive but I wasn’t going to address it. I was blushing and hated him for it all over again. “I told my mom I was going to talk to you and she agreed to hold off talking to my dad or your parents.”

Finally something was working in my favor, it wasn’t much but at this point I was willing to take anything. A few days to breathe and process what could be happening sounded like a blessing right about now. “Until there’s solid proof I’m not going to jump the wagon and expect a baby. We need to know for sure and then we’ll tell whoever we need to tell. Deal?”

I glanced away from the leaf and noticed Austin’s hazel eyes were watching me. “Deal.” he agreed.