Project Depression: Your Story

@rocketstarletta's Story.

** Please know that this chapter includes mention of suicidal thoughts so if you're triggered by that, be sure to avoid this chapter!

Hiya, my name is Rocket! From @rocketstarletta ! And I am here to tell you my story of depression. <3

I was invited to tell my story by the lovely members of @projectdepression ! <3

I used to love going to school. My mom told me I was the one who would grab my bookbag and shout goodbye and run out the door to go to school. I loved socializing, making friends, and talking to new people. I was pretty much a social butterfly at my school. I'd always jump at the chance to talk to anyone... But, that was only elementary school...

Shifting over to middle school was where my troubles started.

During my 6th grade year is when I started to get picked on... And this was the exact time my dad lost his job. My family couldn't afford much at that time. Most clothing I had was hand-me-downs from my cousins and other family. I remember always wearing basic t-shirts, shorts, and pants because that's all I had at that time.

There was this one boy on the bus who always had something new to say to me... Most of the time, he commonly called me out for my size.

I was a curvier girl then, given, I had a lot going on in my life at the time. There were numerous occasions where he blatantly called me a three letter word and it hurt me so much. I told my mom about the situation when it got too much for me.

That's when she called the school...

And the school didn't do much for me... Other than gave him warnings and asked him to stop talking to me. But, during that time, I could remember crying and locking myself in my room because I just didn't want to go to school anymore because of this kid.

Fast forwarding to 7th grade, I got asked out as a "joke" from a different boy.

I could recall screaming at him and his friends as they laughed around me

Sometimes the only thing to keep me sane was my little group of friends, I had my three best friends ( let's call them Sadie, Nadia, Amelia ) since third grade. I joined them together to create our group. We had so much fun until my one friend, Nadia became so mean to me and I wasn't sure why.

Every time I talked with Sadie, Nadia always told me not to because, I always talked to her and I had to share her. Which made me upset because I treat everyone fairly, I talked to everyone and I never left anyone out.

Even at lunch, my seat was beside Sadie's and I remember before I'd even get to my seat, Nadia would always sit there first. But, the confusing part about this was when I would hang out with just Nadia, she'd be fine. She became super nice to me and we'd get along just fine.

At this time, all of me and my life, started going downhill...

During this period of my life, I was in and out of the hospital for my depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I went to 4 different hospitals and several outpatient visits because I felt so sad. I could remember feeling so hopeless, so alone, and that everyone's life would be better without me in it.

But...

There was still hope for me when I kept going...

After I finished my last outpatient visit, my mom decided to enroll me in homeschool. Which made me feel better with my academic situation. At this time as well, I started counseling for my depression, suicidal thoughts, and my anxiety. For a while, I had lots of ups and downs but after 2 years of counseling, I was doing better.

Flashing to 10th grade, I decided I felt brave enough to go back to public school. I lost a healthy amount of weight and felt so much better about myself. First day going into it, I felt alright until the hallway filled up so many students, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I could barely move too in the elbow to elbow space. I could clearly see in my mind that when I walked down that hall, I couldn't even see the floor.

Going into the second day, I thought it would be a better day, but, it was the day I had a panic attack there.

For two reasons...

One, it was too much...

And two, I met up with my group of friends again and they moved on without me...

I sobbed to the guidance counselor that day and I told him I needed to go home because I didn't feel well enough to keep going. He told me to try to and I told him again, I couldn't. That's when he sat there at his computer and began typing. After a few minutes, he told me to try again. I refused once more and I asked him to call my mother.

He stared at me blankly as I was still in the middle of my panicked attack and that's when he sighed and dialed my mom's number.

I went home that day and I was officially enrolled back into my homeschool again. I knew for my own well being, it was the best choice for me. As much as I missed being social, my wellbeing came first.

About this time, I kept going to counseling and managing my anxiety, depression, and dark thoughts. I was fighting, fighting, and fighting... And I wasn't going to give up.

I felt better as I kept at it...

And then, I hit one more set back...

There was also this one particular girl, ( we'll call her Maggie ) who I knew since elementary school but I never talked to her much...

One day, my older sister, my younger brother, and I went to a store and Maggie and her family happened to be there too. I got a bit nervous because I also had self-esteem issues too. Me and my siblings were all walking down the aisles and grabbing what we needed until one of Maggie's younger sisters started following us down each aisle and then proceeded to make gagging sounds.

It got so repetitive my brother told them to stop...

The first time, they ignored him...

The second time, he said stop, it was annoying...

After that, thankfully, they stopped...

I felt so embarrassed and so small.

And to make matters worse, I could remember Maggie standing off into the distance, shooting looks at me and pretending like she wasn't watching the whole scene. When I got home with my siblings after that, my family comforted me as I was upset about the whole situation. It took me a few days to get over it since things like these leave a lasting impression on me...

Now leaping over to the present...

Today, after all that I have endured, I've been feeling a whole lot better. <3

With the scars, marks, and bruises from the battle to prove it. I still have a long journey ahead. Crossing many dead-ends, obstacles, and forks in the road along the way. I say heck with them! I need to seize the medallion of happiness and I am not stopping for anything!

Whatever it takes, I'm going to get it! <3

If you are struggling with anything, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc.

Just know this...

These are temporary problems that can and will be fixed! It will be okay, promise! Even at rock bottom, there's always a light. <3

So, keep fighting, keep battling, stay strong, stay safe, stay healthy, we're going to make it out with that medallion! Whatever it takes! <3 <3 <3