A Tale In Session (City Series #1)

Chapter 15

Baka wala na talagang pag-asa para sa akin?

Hindi ito para sa akin. I am not like these people. These people are good and kind. Ang layo layo ko sa kanila. Bakit ko ba pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko dito sa lugar na 'to?

God, are you even there? Do you even hear me?

"I don't know who needs this right now..." Rinig kong sabi ng worship leader. "But the Holy Spirit is really impressing something in my heart that someone needs this tonight."

Nakapikit pa rin ako habang nakikinig. My arms were not raised, I was not bowing down on the floor. I just stood there with my arms folded.

"He is with you. He has always been with you. Jesus already saw your mistakes even before you made them. And yet He still chose to die for you."

Tumayo bigla ang balahibo ko at hindi ko na napigilan ang iyak ko.

"None of us here deserve to be here, but You are good, God." The voice of the worship leader broke.

I could hear the cries of everyone else in this room. The whole atmosphere felt so different.

The overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. It chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine. I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away.

Hindi ko namalayang naka-luhod na pala ako habang umiiyak. I felt as if someone else had his arms around me, but no one was there. As if someone carried all my burdens for me. And for the first time in my life, I felt a love that was greater than anything else. A love that saw how broken I was, but accepted me. A love that saw how much I ran away from it, but still chased me down.

A love that died for me, no matter how imperfect I am. I never deserved it, not even for a minute.

I know it's heavy, I hear from my head. I know you feel like you've messed up too much. I know you feel like you've done too many wrong things. But I still love you. I'm still waiting for you.

As the worship lead to another song, I couldn't help but apologize. Not to anyone else, but to the One who was listening to me as I had my eyes closed. I'm sorry I hardened my heart. I'm sorry I closed You off.

For the first time, I feel like I've come home.

The rest of the night already made me feel so light. Like someone else took my burdens and problems. Tumatak talaga sa akin yung word, which was about salvation.

"You aren't saved by good works and faith," the pastor said. "You are saved by grace. You only need faith! Good works are the fruit of your salvation."

I couldn't help but reflect on everything I thought God was. Everything I thought Church was. I had such a wrong mindset, and I let it get in the way of me connecting with Jesus. I allowed those thoughts to consume me, to hinder my progress.

Pagkatapos ng service, nasa labas lang ako at hinahanda ang sarili kong kausapin na si Claude. Lumabas siya at dumiretso sa akin. Nakita ko ang usok galing sa bunganga niya dahil sa lamig.

"Uh.." He scratched the back of his head. "Gutom ka ba?"

"Sakto lang," I answered.

Hindi rin kami makakapag-usap nang maayos dito dahil maraming mga tao. Lumingon lingon ako at nanatiling tahimik.

"Volante?" he asked.

Ngumuso ako at sumunod sa kanya patungo sa sasakyan niya. It's only been a week but the feeling of sitting in the passenger seat of his car already feels so foreign to me. Tahimik lang kaming dalawa habang sinisimulan niya yung sasakyan.