clumsy | l.h.

four

"Well, at least I'm not as naive as the poor idiot that's about to go out with you." She motioned to the flowers in my hand.

I looked down, remembering they were there. Two hours was too long, it would be dark by the time I got to the grave site. It was too late.

My breathing started getting heavier, "Oh god, I can't believe I managed to fuck this up."

Violet gave me a weird look, "What are you even talking about?"

I was starting to spiral. I couldn't help the words that were falling out of my own mouth, "One thing, I just wanted to do one thing right for him. I couldn't help him that night and I can't even do something good for him now. I can't even do something as stupid as bring him flowers."

Violet's features started to soften, "Luke, are you okay? What's wrong?"

I could barely hear her over the thoughts running through my own head. I started pacing, "I'm never going to be able to make this right. He should be here today celebrating, eating cake with my parents, partying with his friends in college. He's not, and it's my fault. I can't believe I asked him to make that drive, I never should have bothered him."

"Seriously, Luke, what's going on? Please, calm down." Violet had backed up to one side of the elevator, clearly worried about my current state.

Images flashed through my mind. I saw him, and then just as quickly I saw the glow of my phone screen as I picked it up and heard my parents say the words I never wanted to hear. I felt my own anger at myself reach its boiling point, "It's all my fault!" I turned and threw the flowers at the closed doors. I watched them land in a messy heap on the floor, and then slid down to the ground myself.

Violet stood still for a moment, before joining me. She sat down across from me, "I'm sorry if I somehow brought this on."

I shook my head, "It's not your fault. I'm sorry you had to see all of that. I haven't spiraled like that in a long time. My parents would have said I needed to channel my emotions into something productive. I guess that's harder to do when you're stuck in an elevator."

She nodded slowly, "Listen, I know we aren't exactly friends, but if you need to talk about it... I'd be willing to listen."

I looked up at her, and she actually seemed sincere. It's not like I had anywhere to go, anyway. I sighed quietly, "It's my brother's birthday. His name's Jack. Was, I guess. Four years ago, he was in an accident. He didn't make it. A woman fell asleep at the wheel and swerved into his lane. She's fine. He's gone." I pulled the folded photo out of my pocket and tossed it in her direction, not being able to look at it myself.

Violet unfolded the photo, giving it a small smile, "He looks a lot like you. I'm sure you must really hate that woman, huh?"

I shook my head, "No, actually, I don't. She's a nurse, and a single mother. She had just worked a triple shift at the hospital, that's why she fell asleep. We couldn't put all that blame on her. We didn't even press charges, she had enough guilt to deal with as it was."

"And apparently, so do you."

"Well of course I do, it's my fault. It wasn't the nurse's fault, so it must be mine. The blame has to go somewhere. I was the one who called him and asked him to drive out to see me at school. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't even have been on the road that night. So, it's my fault."

Violet stayed quiet for a moment, and then slid over next to me, maintaining plenty of space between us still. She looked over at me, "You know that isn't true, right? I know you must feel that way but you can't blame yourself for that, especially not in the long term. Carrying all that guilt around will kill you."

I looked down at my lap, "I mean, I guess deep down I know that's true. It's just been hard. You think maybe it'll get better eventually and somehow it never does."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Violet's hand inching towards mine. When they met, she gave my hand a gentle squeeze. She started to pull away immediately, but I stopped her and held it there for a moment. After a few seconds had passed, I loosened my grip, and her hand slipped away again.

The small elevator got quiet again. Eventually, Violet spoke up, "Hey, I'm sorry about all that stuff I said before. You were right, I was out of line. I don't know you like that, and it's not fair of me to make judgments."

I gave her a small smile, "I'm sorry too. I don't know where that even came from. I never freak out like that, on anyone. I don't know what it is about you that always gets me so worked up, but... I guess we'll never know."

I saw Violet's eyes widen, and she looked away, staring at the wall. She was thinking about something, I just didn't know what. Eventually, she cleared her throat and then slid back to the other wall again, furthering the distance between us. 

We tried to make up games to fill the time. Violet pulled a couple of coins out of her purse, and we spun them to see who's coin would stay upright longer. The deal was that the loser had to tell the other person something about themselves. We agreed not to get too deep, figuring we had already had enough serious conversation.

I told her about Calum and Michael, how they were my best friends from high school. I told her about the time I tried to run track in high school, and once threw up on the actual track during a match. I told her about the time as a kid that I ate an entire twenty-four pack of crayons and had to stay in the hospital overnight to make sure I didn't die.

She told me about her friend Sydney, and the time in college that they both fell asleep in a bush. She told me about the time she tried to run cross country in high school but quit after the first practice. She told me about the painting she keeps hung up in her room, the one done by her mother that she says is her favorite.

Time seemed to pass less slowly after that. It ended up being three hours before we finally started moving again, hearing the elevator groan as it slowly started back up. We both stood up, and Violet handed me the picture back, "Here, you're gonna need this back."

I took it back and put it in my pocket again, "Thanks, but I think I'm just going to go tomorrow. It's too late now and honestly, I don't know why I was in such a rush anyway. He'll be there. Besides, I don't know about you, but this whole getting stuck in an elevator thing has me beat."

Violet nodded, "Well, I've still got errands to run, so I guess I'll see you around."

The doors slid open in the lobby, and Violet started to step out. I hesitated slightly, and then stopped her, "Violet, wait!"

She turned back around, giving me a confused look. I bent down and picked up one of the flowers. It was snapped slightly in half, and the petals were falling off. I laughed a little at the sight of it, and then handed it to her, "Here. Thank you."

She gave me a small smile as she took it. She stepped out of the elevator, giving me a small wave. As the doors closed again, I saw her place it in her purse, broken stem and all.

---

A/N:

sorryyy for the slight delay, I had a lot of work to do this week and absolutely no motivation so it was a rough time. thank god for weekends tho! i'm gonna go finish off a bottle of peach wine and chill out, i'm exhausted.

already feeling burnt out by this whole online school thing, tbh. 3-4 more weeks of this is just too much for me to even think about. plus i still haven't heard from my summer internship site about wtf is going on so! fun!

anywho i'm happy b/c we are finally getting into some of the good stuff. next chapter should be up soon, i gotta do some brainstorming.

stay safe, stay home,

xx colby