Oh How Times Have Changed

X

"I came to check on you. I feel responsible." He shrugged, studying my room, "I like your room. Didn't notice it earlier; bit preoccupied."

My room was pretty minimal. I didn't have many hobbies, or obsessive interests. My room reflected that, the only noticeable feature being my large wall of records. I kept them here, rather than at my mums, because Daxx and Connor had gifted me a great number of them. Plus, Mum didn't exactly like my music taste. Too much screaming and electric guitar for her. 

I furrowed my eyebrows, snapping out of thoughts of my room. Was I living in dreamland? Maybe the blow to my head earlier was making me imagine things. Jimmy Wellot and I had barely exchanged more than a dozen words between each other in the last ten years, before these two weeks at least. All of a sudden he's checking up on me, just because I got the shit kicked out of me? 

"You didn't answer my question."

"Yes I did... I came to check on you."

"No, I mean my question from earlier."

"No clue what you're on about. Is lover boy worried about you?" He questioned, scanning over my bruised body.

I frowned. Will hadn't texted me. He might have just been busy though, or unsure what to say. He could message me tomorrow. Plus, why the hell did Jimmy care? I had a good suspicion as to why, but I didn't want to make him freak out when he was blocking my bedroom door and the only other exit is a balcony. 

"I'll take that as a no, then." Jimmy shook his head, a smug smile on his lips.

"Don't act as if you're hero of the hour." I snapped.

His startled expression made me regret saying that. I couldn't control the anger I felt towards others sometimes. I shook my head, forget feeling sorry. I had every right to be angry at him. He caused this, even if he does regret it now. He's had ten years of missed opportunities to say sorry, to regret it or to do something about it. It's all entirely too convenient that he chose our senior year to say sorry. The room was silent.

"I really am sorry. If I could change it, I would. I really didn't know they were being that hard on you. I thought it was just pushing around and name calling- stuff you could handle."

I scoffed audibly, making him cringe. 

"Oh, that makes it okay does it? You thought it was just light bullying?"

Jimmy went quiet at that and dragged his hand down his face, looking over me once again with sorrowful eyes. Maybe I was being too harsh on him. He had cared enough to come check on me and he had stopped the attack. I was incredibly conflicted. I sighed, leaning back onto the pillows.

"It's fine. Just forget about it. I'm fine." I told him, "You should just leave, forget about it. I've handled it by myself for this long."

"You aren't fine." He snapped, "It's my fault. I take full blame. I've hated myself ever since that day."

"Hated yourself for what you did or what you are?" I joked lightly, touching a sensitive area.

Jimmy let out a bitter laugh and shrugged. We settled into another silence and I looked over Jimmy. Despite looking worn out, he was undeniably attractive. His features were incredibly pronounced, his jawline sharp enough to cut. His eyebrows were curved into a neat, dark arch that made him permanently look smug or cocky. His full lips looked soft, too. 

No wonder he has a new girl every time I see him. I'm pretty sure that he could convert a nun with just a wink and a smile. However, a smile seemed to be a rarity at the moment. If he wasn't angry, he looked sad- even when he was with his friends. Not that I was looking...

"Would you have told anyone what I did, if I hadn't said anything?" Jimmy suddenly asked, referring to the infamous birthday party incident.

I shook my head. I wouldn't have done that to him. Even back then, I knew kids were mean. Besides, who would I have told? I had no friends, other than Daxx. Plus, I'm not even sure if I knew what it meant. I had always known Daxx was gay, so I thought it was normal. Daxx was my main male role model, after all. Jimmy sighed dramatically, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry." He stated, for what now seemed like the millionth time.

"The night of the party, the other day, what was going on? What made you like that?" I asked, hesitantly.

He seemed pensive for a second, reluctant to tell me. I had only asked because I was so curious- since it happened I couldn't stop thinking about how vulnerable he looked. He seemed desperate for somebody to tell him it was going to be fine, and for me to forgive him.

"Seeing you with a guy who isn't me."

That came like a smack in the face. I was still processing it when he abruptly stood up. He slipped his shoes back on and headed across the room, sliding the balcony door back open. I tried calling his name to get him to stay, but he was gone in a flash. I stared at the balcony door for a good five minutes, trying to understand what had just happened.

I knew he liked me! My intuition really is spot on. I mean, why else would he have cared so much about who's hoodie I was wearing and whether Will had texted me or not. I felt smug at being right, but it was mixed with another emotion I couldn't identify. I don't know whether I'm happy about this or not. I mean, sure he's hot, but he's been a dick to me pretty much since we were five. Today's the only exception. I understand he's conflicted with himself, but is that really an excuse to be the cause for ten years worth of hell?

I laid down fully in bed, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about him.

He was so back and forth with his emotions. One moment he was trying to open up, the next he was cold again. It wouldn't surprise me if he was back to his usual self next week. Jimmy has problems of his own he needs to sort out. I didn't want to get involved. I wouldn't get involved. 

If the little smile playing on my lips was any indicator, my heart seemed to be a traitor to my brain.