The Boy In The Flannel: Senior Year

Chapter Four

  
   April 14, and it was snowing, snowing in just about mid April, like what the fuck, a day or so ago it was amazing, about 50-60 something degrees, then this bullshit.

   Everything is bullshit now, it seems like it's going to end up how it was before, the worst time in my life, every day, just about every minute I have a free thought I make a comparison back to then, when the world stopped, I lost who I was, when nothing at all mattered.

   It just seems so much like then, wake up not do anything, live in a cluttered room, turn on some games or music or videos of I can to drown out everything, just something to do.

   After so long I lost all motivation to do anything, games weren't fun anymore, neither was drawing, waking up was pointless, there was never anything to be said, even if there was no one was around to listen.

   I understand I have a few friends I can talk to now, but what am I going to say? "How have you been", or "what's up", "what are you up to", can't really go hangout with them, not like any of them would really want that, don't blame them if they wouldn't want to even if this virus was over.

   I just want a purpose again, somehow I can be useful, some kind of goal, well yeah there's graduating but it doesn't seem like that's a real thing anymore, and that online learning bullshit, fuck that, like trig and physics I don't really understand what the hell to do with those, and graphic design is fucked since the project I was working on is only on the school computer and even if I had it I couldn't work on it here, I don't have access to the software I need for it.

   Yearbook is weird, we have to figure a way to promote, sell, and distribute them while the quarantine is active.

   Government and English at least have their shit together for the most part, English mostly since that teacher is awesome and can get so much done, my government teach is pretty cool too although he's using khan to upload assignments.

   And on all that shit I have to help with the house, that might not seem like much, but ripping carpet, moving fish tanks, painting the entire house, replacing floors. Yeah, a bit more than advertised, and that's just inside the house.

   Then because of this stupid virus I have to get my license and find a job as soon as humanly possible and try to get one that employs full time since my mom's company fired tons of people. All I want to do right now is hug Sarah one more time, hug one of my friends, hell I'd even settle for just a normal fucking day of being annoyed to no damn end at school.

   I just really don't want to lose who I've become, it feels like it did then, where time is erelevant, the sound of your voice doesn't matter, what's happening outside of you're immediate space is non existent, all feelings leave and you're hollow, everything that brought joy before is worthless, eating, drinking, sleeping are not important as long as you can move, being completely alone where no one knows you're there, that's what it felt like.