Our Future (BILLIE EILISH)

- T h i r t y o n e -

Billie and I were still laying in my bed, her head is rested on my chest and I was running my hand through her hair. Even though my mind is constantly filled with these thoughts, I'm pretty good at pretending that everything is normal.

I mean I really have been quiet, and I don't know what to say. I haven't been able to start a conversation, and I haven't been able to joke around with her like I normally would. That hurts because I love talking to her and I love joking with her.

She looked up at me, and I looked into her eyes. I was trying so hard to hide my thoughts, because this bitch can see right through me. She was looking into my eyes, and she furrowed her eyebrows. She can probably see my thoughts.

Maddie: "Why that face?"

She looked away from me, but she was still looking at me because of the mirror across from us.

Billie: "Something's wrong."

I pulled my lip in between my teeth, and stopped running my hand through her hair. We're really about to have this conversation now, and I'm not fucking ready.

Billie: "I know what's wrong, and I feel like shit for doing that to you."

Maddie: "What are you-"

Billie: "Shorty, I- how the fuck do I word this?" She exhaled, "You watched me almost leave. I know how insecure you were that I was going to leave, and I tried so fucking hard to convince you that I would never leave. I'm not going to leave, but like I don't know. I hurt you."

Maddie: "Why were you angry?" I asked softly.

Billie: "I asked myself the same question, that's been on my mind since it happened. I don't know why I was angry, I guess it's because I was talking to Finneas about you before it all happened. And then I see that, and I guess I felt like what I said was pointless."

Maddie: "I didn't mean for any of that to happen-"

Billie: "I know that, I really do."

Maddie: "I-" I cut myself off.

Billie: "What are you thinking?"

Maddie: "I can feel my sadness coming back." I said quietly.

She turned around to face me, "It's because of me."

Maddie: "No, babygirl I refuse to let you blame yourself for my sadness. I mean I had it coming, shit was going too good for too long."

Billie sighed, "You deserve to be happy and you said that yourself."

Maddie: "I know I did, but I don't believe that happiness is permanent. I do deserve happiness, and I still feel that way. But I had it coming, I was happy for too long and I took it for granted because now I feel like shit so."

Billie: "You didn't take your happiness for granted, you had fun, you were happy and you were glowing. You were always smiling. You enjoyed your happiness, and that's what you're supposed to do with your happiness."

Maddie: "I hate the fact that I let this one little thing get to me."

Billie: "No, I blew it out of proportion. It was not that big of a deal, I shouldn't have reacted like that. I bet you anything, if I didn't react like that you would not feel this way."

Maddie: "You tried so hard to convince me that you weren't going to leave, and I believed you and I still believe you. But I always told myself not to, because everyone leaves and no one's permanently in your life. But I believed you, even though that stood against everything that I stood for."