The Balcony

opinions

"No, no. Miss Heywood!" 

slowly she turned her gaze back to him. She was a little pale. He could hear her heavy breathing and this time he was not distracted by her bosom, no! But it twitched up and down excitedly. And this little application under the breast... No not this time! She held on to the door with her right hand.

"This is your room!" good that this was cleared up before, he thought as she seemed to relax.
"Mine's at the end of the hall," he pointed in that direction and she followed his outstretched arm with her gaze.

"All right." Charlotte looked at him curiously. Then what did he want from her?
"I erm, wanted..." he cleared his throat again and with a strong voice and another small stretch of his back, he went on.
"I wanted to make something clear. Miss Heywood." Her eyes got bigger, what next?
"Yes?" Her voice had a strange tone.
"I didn't do it for Tom." 

He said it so fast that she had to blink a couple of times until she was sure he wasn't gonna say anything else. Their eyes locked for a moment, then he bowed his head minimally and went back to his room. Astonished she looked after him. Was that all?

"Mr. Parker", she came after him with quick steps and waved her hand around, still holding her stockings, but she didn't seem to notice.
"You can't just walk away all the time!"

He turned around and the sight of her made him gasp for breath. She was so... adorable. There was just no other word to describe her. That dress with the little tulips or whatever on it. It was so... pretty and her hair was so shiny and her face had that little furrow between her eyebrows again and...

"What is it with you?" she asked in frustration.
"You always leave me standing."
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is. Now just like at the ball..."
"I know, and I'm sorry I did."
"Why?"
"I erm...yes..."
"You're a man of the world and now you can't even answer me?"
"Well, yes."
"what?"
"nothing."
"now you're finally saying it, what you said before and now, what do you think...."
"I had to leave because I couldn't take it anymore." he shouted.

She was immediately silent and an expression of embarrassment and pain slid across her face.

"Am I so unbearable?" she asked in a stone-hard voice.
"What? No! Yes...I..."
"Why don't you just tell me what you want me to do so we can..." she waved her stockings in her hand again and said "end this."
"I don't want that."
"What?"
"That it has an end."

Their eyes met again and both breathed heavily. Sidney saw her confusion and he briefly closed his eyes to collect himself. He leaned against his room door and let his head fall back in frustration, she saw his Adam's apple move and her heart beat wildly.

"I couldn't bear to be near you anymore," he finally said and immediately tears filled her eyes. He opened his eyes in time to see how she wanted to go back to her room, no he can't let her go!
"It's all your fault."
"Yes, I know." she barely audibly returned it.
"No, I mean..." he took a step towards her and touched her timidly on the arm. Charlotte turned to him in a rage. Tears glittered in her eyes. 

Oh, shit! He thought that before she attacked him.

"I knew it was wrong to tell you what Sir Denham and Clara......you led me to believe you cared for me."
"I do!" he shouted back in frustration.
"...I thought we could be friends."
"We can be..." he said, though he wanted to tell her what he really wanted.

"We can't, you have..."
"You frustrate me!" he shoutet.
"But why?" stunned she looked deep in his eyes.
"With your ....opinions!"
"I thought we could... I believed...."
"Stop!" he shouted and put a finger on her mouth so quickly that he himself got scared when he touched her.

"Stop now!" 

he said in the lowest and softest voice she had ever heard him say. The warmth of his finger on her lip made her breathe too fast, she couldn't get enough air. Extremely slowly he let his index finger slide down, when it caught on her lower lip she opened her mouth and her warm, much too fast breath tickled his hand. As he slowly followed her lip as if he was doing it to a precious statue, it was two fingers. Charlotte blinked excitedly and he dropped his hand.

"Forgive me."

Completely speechless she stared at him as he held those very same fingers that had just passed over her lips to his and toched his on the same way. Closing his eyes for a short moment. The heart in her chest seemed to burn, a million butterflies danced in her belly.

"What...?" she breathed her question and looked up at him with her big doe eyes.
"You frustrate me." Again pain flashed through her face. The up and down, what was going on inside her was unbearable.
"I...can't stand it near you, because I..." he looked at her so intensely that the butterflies in her stomach whirled around and were doubled by the burning in her heart.
"I can't concentrate when you're near me," he finally said, but it just seemed to confuse her more. He probably had to be more specific.
"I can't concentrate when you're not near me, either."

That little wrinkle between her brows was there again. Since he had just touched her lip and this little sensation was still chasing waves of happiness through his body, he didn't hesitate to wipe the wrinkle away with the finger of his other hand.

"You keep me from work, you're... you're the reason I'm here."
"But why..." she began, but the rest of the sentence got stuck in her throat as he moved his hand from her forehead to her cheek.
"I left because I... I couldn't stand... the realization..."
"What realization?" she whispered.
"I can't...I don't want..."
Charlotte looked at him pleading, and he heard her voice in his head, say it, say it!
"I have been hurt." he growled.

Oh, the story Mary had hinted at, Charlotte nibbled at her lips. She nodded to show him he should move on.

"I don't want it happen again." He moaned in frustration and dropped his head back to the door.
"Of course."
"I'm a broken, damned man... I've done things I'm not... proud of and I know I'm... not good enough... I know..."
"Who has opinions now?"

Surprised, he looked at her, but her face was blank. She had herself well under control, but Sidney noticed that her breath was going fast, how could he not, the dress was cut out enough for him to see it. Her hand was still holding the stockings in her fist, the other hand clasped her dress.

"I'm not good enough for you."
"what does that mean?"
"we were getting along so well and I was thinking...." he couldn't tell her what he really thought, so he said instead.
"I have to leave before it's too late."
"Too late for what?"

"To fall in love with you."

She gasped audibly for breath. A while passed and since he had closed his eyes at the words, he didn't know that she was still standing there.

"but I knew at that moment that this would not happen."

Bang. That pain again. This time the tears came so fast, because she was not able to suppress them. Charlotte nodded and turned to leave when she heard the rest of his softly spoken sentence.

"because it had already happened."