The Complexity of a Perfect Date

Complexity of Trust

Tate noticed it and quickly wiped her tear and hugged her.

He never thought that Vivian would have those thoughts. He never wanted to hurt her and plant those thoughts in her head, but he felt guilty when he heard her side. He really loves her, and only wanted the best for the both of them. He never intended to make Vivian feel inferior.  If he knew that Vivian felt like this, he would never consider rushing her in the first place.

"I would never think of you like that. I love you, Vivian. I'm really sorry." He said and kissed her head.

"No." She suddenly said.

"What?" He said, in disbelief.

"I'm sorry." She said, a bit shy.

"Y-You're sorry?" 

She turned her gaze away from Tate. 

"Since I stopped studying and nagtrabaho ako para sa pamilya ko, ambaba na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Pwedeng sa social status kasi hindi rin naman kami ganun ka stable as a family, at mababa din yung confidence ko sa sarili ko. I always thought na hindi ako enough para sayo. Aaminin ko, medyo bumaba tingin ko sa sarili ko tuwing trine-treat mo ako sa mga resto na mahal yung mga foods or sa mga gifts mo."

"Vivian..." He said and tried to hug her when she started talking again.

"When you came into my life, I could never be happier. For once, someone made me feel special again. Alam mo yun? Yung nasa point na ako ng buhay ko kung saan, sinasabi ko na sa sarili ko na mag focus nalang ako sa work para makatulong kila mama at papa. Wag ko ng iisipin yung sarili ko ganun. But nung nakilala kita, you always made me feel like I'm someone to care for. Na kahit binubuhos ko yung oras ko sa trabaho, andyan ka lagi."

She tried to fight back her tears but she couldn't. Tate didn't know what to do as he stayed silent.

"Noong first date natin, alam mo ba nahihiya talaga ako sayo noon kasi parang ang plain ng itsura ko noong una tayong nagkita. Ibang iba yung dating nung sayo. I'm not talking about looks, though. Kapag tinitignan kita, antaas ng tingin ko sayo. Tapos yung tingin ko sa sarili ko, hiyang hiya ako. Magkaibang-magkaiba talaga tayo, Tate. Parang antaas-taas mo tapos ako ambaba baba ko. Akala ko nga noon, wala tayong pagasa. But I was very happy when we matched at most things. Sa tuwing kasama kita, nakakalimutan kong magkaiba tayo. Pero kapag magisa nanaman ako, awang awa ako sa sarili ko."

Vivian felt lighter as she's letting out whatever thoughts that's been bugging her for the past months. She doesn't know what would happen after she's let all of it out, but she won't regret saying all of it to Tate. She trusts him, and she loves him. He may think that she's ranting, or she's self pitying. But that didn't matter at the moment. She has to let this out.

"I'm used to other people pitying me, kaya yung mga ginagawa mo sa akin, iniisip ko kasi kinakaawanan mo din ako. And I hated that thought. Ayaw na ayaw kong kinakaawaan ako pero natatawa na lang ako kasi ako nga eh awang awa sa sarili ko." She chuckled even though tears were rolling down from her eyes. She felt Tate's hand squeezing hers.

"I interpreted your actions as an act of pity. Kasi alam mo naman yung struggle ko diba? And I'm grateful na iniintindi mo lagi ako, na andyan ka lagi kapag pagod na ako. Pero hindi ko maiwasan isipin na naaawa ka lang sa akin kaya tinutulungan mo ako." She saw how Tate shook his head in disapproval.

"Pero kahit ganun ako magisip, Tate, sigurado ako sa nararamdaman ko sayo. Mahal na mahal kita Tate. Lahat ng ginawa mo para sa akin, yung pinakilala mo ako sa parents mo, yung mga regalo mo sa akin na bigla bigla nalang." She said and chuckled. "Yung time na binibigay mo para sa akin. Pero yung effort mo para sa akin, sobrang thankful ako doon. Hindi ko rin alam kung deserve ko ba yung pinapakita mo sa akin kahit ang hina hina ko and ambaba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko."

Tate couldn't take it anymore and pulled her in a tight embrace. He can't stand seeing Vivian cry because of the thoughts inside her head. He never thought of her as someone lower than him. For him, Vivian is an important person, and he wants to be with her. All he has done, was because of love, not because of pity.

"All these time, lagi kong hinahanap kung anong kulang sa akin. So that when I'm with you, hindi ako maging pabigat. I want to be complete when I'm with you, para hindi ko iniisip na mababa ako, para mas maging affectionate ako sayo. You're an amazing guy, Tate. And I knew you didn't deserve someone who thinks like this. But I try my best para maging okay sayo." 

She was still crying in his shoulders.

"Don't say that, Vivian. That's not true, you're perfect to me..." He said, trying to calm her down.

She looked at him and cupped his face. "I know." And she smiled. 

He was, hurt listening to what she's feeling and he wanted to console her. Looking at her, smiling genuinely, made his heart flutter and calm down. He realized that Vivian was hurting all along and he wanted to stop that. So she would feel loved, and erase all those thoughts. 

She cleared her throat and took a deep breath before talking again as she held his hands. She smiled. "A fateful situation made me realize that it's pointless for me to search for something na kukumpleto sa akin. Na hindi naman kailangang laging sundin yung opinyon ko. I didn't want to be superior in our relationship."

"Alam mo ba kung bakit gusto kong nasusunod yung opinion ko?" She asked him.

He shrugged his shoulder. "Because you're happy with that?"

She chuckled. "No. Because tuwing naiisip ko yung mga outcomes ng opinion ko, nagiging maayos akong tignan sa paningin mo. I wanted to look and act perfect when I'm with you. Not because I'm self-conscious, but because antaas ng tingin ko sayo and I don't want people to think na bakit ako yung kasama mo ganun, bakit parang hindi naman tayo matched. Na ibang iba ka sa akin."

"Ayaw kong maging narcissistic, hindi ko naman gustong itaas sarili ko eh. Ang gusto ko lang, wag bumaba tingin nila sayo. And I want to be good enough for you."

He looked at her with adoration and for the first time, pity. He was hurt how the girl he loves thinks of herself like that. That she wants to be good enough for him, when in fact, she's perfect already. 

"Tate, all this time, I wanted to be enough for you. I always thought about what's missing in me. But I realized that, I've been looking for nothing. Because it's you. Ikaw yung kumukumpleto sa akin, Tate. You always bring out the best in me. 

All this time, you made me feel complete. Nawawala sa isip ko na ambaba ko, lahat ng worries and insecurities ko parang nawawala agad tuwing kasama kita. Because you make me feel special."

And now, she knew that she's ready.

"Let's move in."