The Test

2

"Carly," mahinahong saad ni Yaya Tri, "huwag mong sisihin ang sarili mo, hm?"

This wasn't the right time for reverse psychology to work. But life was cruel because her words hit me that way, even if she only wanted to make me feel better.

To me, it felt just like that. Na iyon ang totoo. Na kahit papaano, may kinalaman ako sa pagkamatay nila.

Iniwanan din ako ni Yaya Tri sa bench na iyon nang dumating ang asawa ng driver namin. Hindi nga niya ako pinansin. Siguro dahil eighteen lang ako. Siguro iniisip niya, masyado pa akong bata para makausap niya nang matino tungkol sa kalagayan ng asawa niya. I envied her a lot, because she managed to keep a straight face. Hindi siya makaiyak dahil siguro hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala sa kinahinatnan ng kanyang asawa. I don't really know. But her eyes were red on the rims, drooped in internal turmoil.

Sinamahan siya ni Yaya Tri sa mga nurse para asikasuhin ang mga form na kailangang ma-fill-up-an. Yaya Tri promised me that she would give me a drink when she returned.

Pero hindi ko na nakuha iyon.

Umalis na ako sa ospital bago pa niya ako nabalikan.

Nakarating na ako sa subdivision. Naglakad ako pauwi. Nawala sa isip ko ang tungkol sa sobrang layo ng bahay namin mula sa main gate. Nawala sa isip ko na wala nang nagpapapasok na tricycle sa subdivision namin kapag alanganing oras ng gabi. Nawala sa isip ko ang tungkol sa mga bastos na construction worker malapit sa bahay namin.

My body was present where I walked, but my mind was drifting.

How would I explain this to my mother?

Paano ako mabubuhay ngayong wala na si daddy?

I wanted him back.

And I could not help feeling so sorry for what happened to manong. Ni hindi ko matingnan sa mata ang asawa niya kanina. But from her shaky voice, I could tell she was resisting the urge to cry in the hospital. Buti pa siya, napigilan niya. I wanted that kind of strength in this very moment. I wanted that kind of control and composure.

I bit my shuddering lower lip.

I heard my shoes scratch on the ground.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko.

Kung bakit tumakas ako sa driver kanina. Kung bakit ginawa ko ang isang maliit na bagay na ganito kalaki ang magiging epekto sa akin, at sa driver, at kay daddy.

At eighteen, everything felt bigger for me. Everything had deeper meaning. Everything were connected. Everything could hurt so much than it actually could.

And everything that happened to me had to be my own fault.

Because when I was eighteen, I believed I was given the freedom to create my own fate. Why not? Eighteen was the legal age. At eighteen, you're expected to be old enough to make sound decisions, but young enough to be open to learn more in life. But in that very moment, whatever I was going through had to be nothing but my fault.

May nakita akong namimili sa isang tindahan na matandang lalaki. Saktong nakapagbayad na siya nang sumingit ako. I bought a softdrink. Nang bigyan ako ng boteng may straw, umupo ako sa bangko roon. Wala sa loob na uminom.

At saka ko lang naramdaman ang panginginig ng mga binti ko. Sobrang pagod sa paglalakad.

I was oblivious of the group of men who were murmuring from a house on the far right across the street. I was oblivious of the push and pulling they were doing to him.