Cricket and Crossbones - The Secret Diary of Rod Marsh

Day 1

Packed my bags, another cricket match. Would rather have the feet up sinking tinnies and playing Darts at Kim Hughes Head. I suppose doing a promo tour of Fiji can’t be half bad, only problem is that the Kiwis will be there. At least there will be more tail to chase, seeing though the West Indies are back in the Caribbean.

Day 2.

Dennis picked me up at the airport. We backstabbed Kim Hughes for the forty minute trip to the airport. Some guy at Customs gave me some Jack Daniels and a slab of beer. Thought about sharing it decided not to. We have to wear our Green and Canary Yellow one day game outfits and so the Kiwis. They are catching the same plane. I should give them some lessons on how to do an insult. I swear those Kiwis have the insult standard of an Australian five year old. I shook hands with Richard Hadlee on the way in. He something smart arse about me being too wasted to sit down and that I smell like a troll. I better start drinkkkingggggggg.

Day 3.

I recovered my diary out of Shark’s mouth after I punched it. I didn’t think Sharks could vomit. This one sure did. I don’t remember much. I was asleep in my chair and the plane is going down. The Kiwis were holding each other’s hands – pussies and crying. There was no way none of our blokes were asking for their mother’s. Well maybe Kim Hughes was. The plane hit the drink and water started pouring in. Luckily I had put down 12 tinnies and I was floating already. Luckily I could see Hooksey and Kepler up ahead on the shore. Thank God they wore those Canary one day outfits. Then again I think that colour might of attracted the Shark. Both teams are stuck here. Opposite ends of the beach. Hopefully we can shake hands soon. I know they are still dirty over that under arm incident, yet this is true survival.

Day 4.

Kim ordered my around this morning. I was hung over and very pissed off. So I punched him. Then Dennis punched him and the rest of the boys broke it up. The Kiwis are still on the other side of the beach. Maybe we should have a game of beach cricket to break the ice. I can see us getting into factions already. Ten of us and Kim Hughes, then the Kiwis. Kim can go hang with the Kiwi’s if he wants to. I went to take a nap under a coconut tree and claimed it as Marshy’s tree.

Day 5.

Kim went and joined the Kiwi’s, thought so. Little pussy wimp. They can go and play with each other’s golden curls. Asshole. Asshole Kim Hughes!!! I’ll get over it. Plus I’m starving. Those guys better not get any ideas about eating me. I banded the boys together and we had a team meeting how are we going to get out of this mess. Hooksey suggested we write help on the sand. John Dyson suggested we search the plane wreckage for any flares. The plane is stuck in a coral reef and I’ve heard of a species called Reef shark, so I’m not too keen to get back in the water right now. Kepler went hiking this morning and I haven’t seen him.  Graham Yallop is starting to get on my nerves. Thommo is the best survivalist we have out here, he can hunt pig and can fish. I better make that guy my best friend.

Day 6.

Where is that rescues plane. I it was only two weeks ago I had a beer with the Prime Minister of Australia, the Honoury Mr. Bob “Skull King” Hawke. Hawkie knew I would take him in a sculling contest to he backed off. That’s probably why he hasn’t sent rescue. He doesn’t Rod Marsh taking his title. Gees some people are pedantic. Man I wish I had a phone so I could call my mate Kerry Packer right now. He would get this off this island. This Kiwi invested island. Why can’t they hurry up and invent the mobile phone!!!!!!!

Day 7.

No sign of rescue. No sign of Kepler, probably crying under a tree somewhere. He may as well join the Kiwi’s. The Kiwi’s and their spit roast and their water catchers. You think they might of shared some with us. Assholes. I’ll have to tell Dennis next time the Kiwis offer us some food not to throw sand at them and sledge them. Can’t question Dennis’ commitment yet we are on a desert island. Saw some shark fins by the plane wreck today. Can’t stop thinking about food. I bet that plane wreck has some food, it would minimum have some cricket get and some stumps to go spear fishing or something.