A World of Differences [1DFF]

Chapter 57

I finished dressing with thirty minutes to spare. Not wanting to talk to anyone, especially Louis, I made my way up the stairs to the highest balcony.

Liam was wrong. He wouldn't listen to me, and if he wasn't going to listen then there was no reason to work the nerve up to talk.

I worked my way through the stands and stood at the edge. I looked over at the people. Sound and stage crew were fighting with the lights crew. Amalia and Niall were sitting at the end of the catwalk laughing. Zayn and his lips were preoccupied because Marisa had just arrived. Everyone seemed happy, buzzing with excitement. I had never felt so disconnected from the world.

"Lauren," the world's most familiar voice shattered my thoughts.

"Louis, no offense, but you are the last person I want to talk to right now," I sniffled without turning around.

"Give me one minute." He pleaded.

I folded my arms across my chest willing my sudden anger towards him to stay inside. "Starting now," I snapped.

"I was an idiot." That's how he started. "I should have never kissed you that day. Four years isn't that big of an age difference but when you are thirteen it is. I shouldn't have kissed you but I wanted to and... and well I guess I'm not sorry. But Lauren, I never stopped caring about you. And more importantly, I never, ever, stopped loving you. The kind of love I have for you, I don't think it ever goes away." His expression was unreadable. The pain mixed with frustration led me to believe that saying these things was killing him. "But you have to understand that when I found out you were doing stuff with Liam I was crushed."

"But..."

He cut me off, "Let me finish."

I snapped my mouth shut and he continued. "I never had the nerve to tell you how I felt because I wasn't prepared to face the pain of rejection that I had felt a few years ago. I was so afraid of the pain that could have happened that I convinced myself to not say anything. When you went off with Liam, I thought you didn't love me. I kind of always doubted it anyway, but when you went with Liam I assumed you were over me. More than anything, I was mad at myself for letting you go, but how do you express anger at yourself? You take it out on other people and that is exactly what I did."

He took a deep breath once he was done, clearly feeling weight off his shoulder. Tears were forming in the back of my eyes again.

"You never let me explain," my voice caught in my throat.

"I know," his eyes dropped to the floor. "That was unfair of me."

He hadn't given me permission to explain, so I kept my mouth shut. He had been a jerk to me, and I wasn't going to just fall back into his arms. I was going to stand my ground.

"If you don't hate me, I want to hear you out." He bit his lower lip.

"I was scared Louis. Thirteen. Never been kissed. Suddenly being kissed by a seventeen year old and things just felt wrong. When I ran away from you that day, it was because I wasn't ready for what was coming. But the thing was, that sick feeling never resided. Because every time I saw you and Hannah or you and Eleanor that sick feeling came back. Jealousy, hatred and the pang of making a mistake: that's what it felt like. I stayed strong though. For a really long time I didn't let the pain crush me. I was happy. Kind of. I had my friends. I had James and I still had you. But it wasn't right. When James and I broke up, then you and Eleanor broke up, I got this surge of hope that maybe it was time... for us. You know? But you didn't seem into it. I felt like I had lost my chance and Louis what am I supposed to do when I think the person I am madly in love with will never love me back?"