Better Than Me

Chapter 27

"Phil. Phil. I'm so—I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay baby, I'm here," Phil reassured, "You're safe, I'm right here and not going anywhere."

With silent tears streaming down his cheeks, Dan nuzzled into Phil, trying to calm down. His heart raced, breathing with sniffles and hiccups. Phil sleepily talked him through it, holding him still.

Being in his arms felt like he was trying to squeeze the shakiness out of Dan. He was still trembling, especially his hands and knees. Although it was most likely just because of his anxiety, it made Dan feel like something worse could be wrong.

He wished that the shakiness would leave his body—Phil could pull the tremors out of him like a long coiled rope, or hug him so hard the shaking jumped out of his chest, or maybe it could melt away from Dan, letting him be still.

But no, he still shook nervously, his hands especially, but he felt it all down his arms and legs, too, and all he could do was sit and take it.

Phil asked calming questions. If he was too hot or too cold, if he was hungry, simply yes or no questions that shifted his focus away for a moment or two.

"Do you want me to make you some breakfast?" Phil asked.

"No—it's your birthday week—I should be doing stuff for you," Dan said, "I'll make us both some cereal."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it might make me feel better."

So Dan got up and made cereal, feeling tired and shaky. He even felt lightheaded, grabbing the edge of the kitchen counter when his head felt fuzzy. Eating and drinking some water helped him feel a little better, but soon he just wanted to be back in bed.

He pulled back the covers and got under them again, waiting for Phil expectantly to come cuddle him. Dan was overthinking, fragile, stressed—he held his hands up in front of his face and watched them tremble.

"You're shaky, hm?" Phil murmured, reaching out to hold him and kissing his forehead.

Dan felt Phil's chin press lightly onto his head. "I don't feel safe."

"How come?"

"My mum and dad found out," Dan cried, "That I'm gay and stuff...I'm scared."

Phil nodded, "Is that what they called about yesterday?"

"Mhm," he whimpered and sniffled, "I'm really upset with them. And myself. It just seems like it'd...I don't...I can't deal with it..."

"I'm here to help you, remember?"

"No, Phil..."

Confused, Phil looked down and pet the back of Dan's head lightly, "I don't think I understand."

"I know you don't," Dan said, "I know you don't understand the feeling of being unsafe in your own home with your own family since you were little. I know you don't understand dinners that aren't at the table together while you tell each other about your day. You don't understand arguing and bickering and crying with your family, or holding secrets from them, or avoiding having to talk to them at all costs."

"I don't, but I'm here to do what I can."

"Maybe...maybe you can, Phil, but I ca-can't. I don't know what you would do or want to do if you were in my position. My mum and dad—" his voice broke, and he began to cry again. "They want to control everything about me, Phil, and I'm so sick of it. Where I live, where I work, who I love, for fuck's sake. Everything. I'm so bloody sick of it that it hurts," Dan rambled on, "Thinking about going back to Wokingham when I've only heard their hatred toward me, it makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die. I don't wanna be so goddamn scared and fed up with my parents anymore," he heavily inhaled, "I wish I could just scream at them, I don't want to be a fucking lawyer! I don't want to fucking live with them! I don't want to do what they want, verbatim! But I can't!" Dan yelled through sobs. "They've ruined my life, and I fucking hate them for it! It makes me want to fucking kill myself again!"