Better Than Me

Chapter 27

chapter notes: hi guys, i'm sorry it's been so long since i've updated :((

i've realized at this time of the year for the past 3 years or so i struggle with my mental health more, like when school starts up in january to around my birthday (which is tomorrow—i'm going to be 18!!!) bc last year i had my kidney infection, the year before i was in drivers ed which was traumatic bc i have vehophobia and someone close to someone i cared deeply about died, then the year before that i had like a mental breakdown and barely took care of myself for a few weeks...anyway this time of the year is stressful.

especially with all this quarantine shit, it is just the WORST for my mental health rn. i'm thankful that it's happening at an easy part of the year academically, making working from home very easy, but it is not good for my mental health at all. only a couple days ago did i briefly go outside for the first time in two weeks. only animal crossing is keeping me sane.

but the negative part is how i just have to wait everything out for other things. i have no idea if i'll get to go to prom or have a somewhat normal graduation, and for cosmetology that's a whole big mess too. i'll be able to get to my 1000 hours easy bc texas changed that we can get more online hours, but i still feel ill prepared for my practical exam and i have such bad anxiety about it adgkkghkudghssk

anyway i hope you all are doing well. i worked on this chapter a LOT to get it to where i think is its best. there is some arguing and descriptions of dan being depressed, and then something that i researched that was a bit difficult to explain so i hope it sounds as realistic as a fanfic can get.

wash your hands!!!
-floof dad

-

Dan woke up with his fragile state of mind from dreaming about the call from his parents only hours before. Luckily, though, Phil was right there for him to hug and cry into.

The sun was barely out and the curtains were shut, but he could see well enough to know that it was Phil. He'd begun to recognize his breathing and body language better. He could see some hair from his fringe messed up slightly, and a tuft of hair in the back giving him bedhead.

His closed eyes seemed tired, and god did Dan hope he wasn't stressing Phil out too much. He'd most likely gotten up after Dan fell asleep to clean up after his own birthday party, which was such a shitty thing for a boyfriend to leave him to do himself. Dan felt guilty. The last thing he probably wanted to do right now was take care of him.

Phil deserved more sweets, and sleeping in, and video games and birthday sex and all sorts of things Dan couldn't offer like this—fragile and weak and anxious. Post-breakdown. Self destructive. In pain.

Why did it have to occur at Phil's apartment, on his birthday?

Dan was partially grateful that he was at Phil's, though, because he didn't know what he would've done if he was home alone, suffering a panic attack by himself—his helpless, weak, dependent self.

But still, it was such poor timing. It was badly timed and brought forward a scary, unsure future for Dan.

It was hard to distinguish that not everything that had happened in his overnight dream had occurred in real life. It was giving him a headache trying to remember, when he already had some leftover pain from crying so much. There was pressure on his temples and tension in his back and a dryness in his throat.

He looked up to see Phil still asleep, his eyes starting to well and sting, because it would just be so much easier on Phil if the overcoming sadness took over and won, leaving Phil alone. Dan sobbed into his hands and it took a second for him to realize that Phil had woken up and begun to hug him again.