Phoenix Fire (Book 2 in the Winter's Series)

Chapter Fourteen: Reminiscence

"Steve... I know that name, I read about him in the museum."

"Steve was your friend back before your lost your arm. He was your best friend. I spent a lot of time with Steve, Sam, and Natasha. He told me about you."

"I don't- I can't remember him." He says sightly dropping his head.

"It's okay, it'll come in time. Don't push yourself. What happened to you when you got to Serbia?"

"I went under, I had my brain scrambled again and again. I had orders to hunt and kill you for being a traitor to HYDRA, I remember that. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I found you."

"Oh you know just the usual. Broken ankle, shattered collarbone, dislocated finger or two. Nothing to be sorry for, you did get beaten half to death on my account so apology accepted. Hey do you think there's wine here?" I say changing the subject for a second.

"In the kitchen second cabinet to the left." Buck says with a small smile. I get up and go to the kitchen. I pull two wine glasses and open the cabinet. Rosé wine, the best wine.

"Hey this is the good stuff. Do you want a glass?" I ask trying to pull the cork out.

"I'm okay, thanks though." He answers and I finally open the wine. I pour myself half a glass of wine and return to my seat.

"So what else do you want to know?" I ask taking small sips from my glass.

"What was your life like before?" His question makes me ponder my history.

"Before what exactly?" I question trying to get specific.

"Before HYDRA."

"There was nothing before HYDRA. I think I was born into it. I'm not really sure, I was always a low ranking agent. I didn't really have friends but my comrades tolerated me I guess. I didn't really socialize much, it was hard fitting in and being accepted. It's like they all knew something about me that I didn't. What about you? If you think you can remember."

"I was a soldier with Steve Rogers."

"You learned that at the museum?"

"Yeah. I don't really know much about my past that I haven't read about from other sources."

"It's okay, it'll all come in time don't rush it."

"I'm glad I remember something that's my own. Even if it is small."

"Baby steps... baby steps." I say taking another sip from my glass.

"Tell me how you met Jesse." He says looking at me expectantly. I shake my head vigorously.

"That's a story for a different day. Trust me." I say wanting to get on a different subject.

"Bad?"

"...not exactly... but... another time." I say with a closed eye smile. "I'll tell you about Giovanni instead. He was the son of the Mob boss Antonio Graffanino. Giovanni was a naive man in the beginning. He didn't know what he was born into especially when dealing with HYDRA. His father was doing dealing behind HYDRA's back and spreading his ideals to his son. Which is why I was assigned to take him out. I didn't know he had a son, until HYDRA sent me back to assess the effectiveness of the agent that was to groom Giovanni. Gio showed me the world of Rome, it's secrets and it's gifts. I grew attached to Giovanni quickly because I empathized with him. We got close, intimate even. When Giovanni took over the family business, HYDRA called me back. I never told Giovanni about his father, but he found out anyway..."

"You loved him."

"I did."

"It must have been hard for you to face him again, after HYDRA fell."

"It was. I was hoping to let him ease into the pain, but he dived in. He's the one I went to for the supplies. I came back and you were gone."

"I see. I'm sorry about calling you a liar. I wish I could take it back, but I can't."

"It's okay, you went through hell, I can understand where you were coming from."

"I still want to know more about you, if you don't mind. Whatever you're comfortable with." He says still intrigued with my past.

"Okay, um let's see. I started training at a very young age; in fact my earliest memories are just training. Conditioning, mental conditioning which every HYDRA asset had to go through. It was terrifying for all of us. The blackout, the recollection. I hated it, I've never felt so out of control in my life. It was like riding in the backseat of your own life. You know exactly what I'm talking about." He nods along with my story, agreeing with me at each step. "I remember one of my more important missions was to take down a small government in Monaco. I was given 24 hours to do it and I've never felt such a rush in my life. I mean looking back it was obviously a bad thing to do, but at the time it was invigorating."

"Do you think we've gone too far? Can we make up for the damage we've done?"

"I think you're redeemable. You weren't in control."

"But I did it."

"I know, but it wasn't you. It was the asset, you were being controlled."

"Does that really make a difference? I still did it."

"Buck-"

"James. Call me James." He tells me, and I smile a little bit at the ground I've gained with him.

"James, you're a great man. Don't let your past define you, it's what you do now that matters." I say to him leaving myself out.

"What about you?"

"It's different for me. You didn't have a choice, I did. I wasn't being controlled like you were. I wasn't a switch they flipped. I willingly did what I did, most of the time. They rarely triggered me, so my actions were most of the time were my own. I don't think I can be redeemed, truly redeemed."

"You were blindly loyal to the wrong cause, you were born into it. They were your family, I don't think that constitutes as being nonredeemable."

"I killed people, toppled governments, inserted agents, I did bad stuff buck- James. I can't undo that."

"I did too, regardless of what state I was in. If you say I'm redeemable, then so are you."

"My path of redemption is longer than yours."

"No, we will spend the rest of our lives making up for what we've done." I nod in agreement while I try to squelch the shame that's ever growing inside of me.  

"Enough about the past for now. What about the future? What will we do now?" I ask. I feel like we're running out of time and I have no idea why.