Lonely Christmas - A Sailor Moon Fanfiction

Chapter 10 - No Right Time

If she only knew how wrong she was…. partly, anyway. I could still do without my best friend dating the girl I’m so in love with it hurts.

“Yeah, well, I figured there would be a big crowd and it’d be harder to find you if I came any later. I hope it’s okay.” My eyes glance down at her glossy lips and quickly back up to her eyes. I feel like I can still taste that strawberry gloss on my tongue. “Is… there something I can help you set up, or anything?”

Usako seems to hesitate for a moment before shrugging and shaking her head. “Nah, we’re all set!”

I’m about to respond when I see her eyes travel down my arm and to the gift bag I’m holding. She stands on her tippy-toes and leans forward to see what its contents is, but I hastily pull it behind my back and I’m pretty sure I start to blush.

Usako lets out the most adorable giggle I’ve ever heard and straightens up, her gorgeous blue eyes sparkling as she looks back up at me. “What’s that you got there?”

I exhale on a small laugh and scratch the back of my head nervously. “It’s nothing. A surprise. For later.”

“For me?”

“It might be.”

I must be imagining her reaction to this news. Suddenly the girl is bouncier and… blushing just as much as I’m sure I am? Nah. It must be the cold. Still, my heart jumps in my chest.

Ugh… no more waiting. I can’t keep holding off until I think the moment is right.

I bite the inside of my lip and pause for just a moment before swinging the bag in front of me again. I part the handles look down at the top of the rabbit’s fluffy head inside before tentatively extending the gift out to her. She watches me, then looks up with a hopeful, innocent expression like a child who’s looking at what Santa left them on Christmas morning.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” I hold the bag up a little to prove it to her.

She’s beaming as she accepts the bag and adorably tries to contain herself, but I can tell she just wants to split the damn thing open and get right to the contents inside. I would never have guessed that she would be so excited over a gift from me, but my heart is surging with so much love and nervousness that I feel numb. Time seems to slow as I watch her part the tissue paper and pull out the stuffed animal.

“Oh, Mamoru…” she gasps, holding the rabbit gingerly in her hands and looking it over wide-eyed as if I’d just given her a newborn puppy. She runs her fingers down the ear that’s poking out of the Santa hat, then toys with the pom-pom on the end of the hat itself. My breath hitches in my throat. This is just too precious a moment for such a simple gift that I feel the backs of my eyes stinging, but I quickly blink away the sensation. The last thing I need right now is for Usako to see me crying over giving her a toy.

She continues examining the rabbit for a long moment and I want nothing more than to freeze time. I try to take a mental snapshot of her expression, the way she’s holding the gift, her soft voice saying ‘oh, Mamoru...’

“You didn’t have to get me anything…” she whispers, so low I have to lean forward to hear her as she keeps her eyes locked on the rabbit.

I shrug. “I know… but I wanted to. I saw it and I thought of you, and I knew you had to have it. You deserve a gift from me after all the torment I’ve put you through, Meatball Head.” I smile as I pat and ruffle the top of her head, then do the same to the rabbit’s. She laughs, and I continue. “You deserve a lot of things, Usagi. I’m sorry I’ve teased you so relentlessly this year.”

She shakes her head and hugs the rabbit to her puffy, bundled-up form tightly. “No need to apologize, Mamoru… I know you just do it out of love.”

I run a hand through my hair and can’t help but laugh a little, unable to hold back my next comment. “You have no idea.” I gasp so quietly I can barely hear myself, but I think Usako’s alarmed at how quickly my expression turned to one of shock. I clear my throat. “The… love thing. You have no idea.”

She looks up at me with the same surprised, wide-eyed expression that she’d given her new rabbit.

“I… love you, Usagi. Like... really love you.” There. It’s out. I said it, and there’s no going back now. My hands are tight fists at my sides and I’m suddenly sweating profusely. How does it get so hot in freezing temperatures? I find myself breathing very loudly. “I’m sorry… you probably don’t want to hear this, but I need you to know. I was going to tell you when you came to my house, that night when we decorated the tree. That was truly one of the best nights of my life. I’d tried mustering up the courage to say something, but by the time I had, you’d asked me about Motoki. And what could I say after that? So I kept my mouth shut… but it’s been killing me ever since. I know it’s selfish to dump this on you, and I was going to tell you and him together so it wasn’t so weird, but I keep trying to wait for these right moments and they just never seem to work out…”

I realize I’m just spewing words a million miles an hour and pause to catch my breath and gauge Usako’s reaction. I can’t believe I just told her all of that, though I suddenly feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It looks like, however, I’ve transferred that weight to Usako. She’s staring at me, pale, wide-eyed, and looking like she might be sick. My lips are parted and concern is written all over my face as I wait for her to say something… anything.

“I… I have to go,” she says hastily, and before I can even reach out and touch her shoulder, she’s disappeared into the growing crowd.