Never Enough (An Azi Montefalco III Fan Fiction)

ninth

To be asked why I loved her was like being asked why I breathe.

You don’t need reasons to love; you shouldn’t have reasons why you love. You simply do. It’s a part of you na mahirap itigil at pakawalan. Nagmamahal ka kasi kailangan mong ipadama sa taong minamahal mo na may isang taong nagmamahal sa kaniya at handang maging ano at sino pa man para sa kaniya. Nagmamahal at magmamahal ka kahit pa imposibleng mahalin ka rin niya. At ‘yun ‘yung ikinakatakot ko.

Natatakot akong malaman na sobra ko na siyang mahal na mahirap nang kumawala. At natatakot akong marinig mula sa kaniya na hindi niya ako kayang mahalin.

“Do I have to answer that?” I asked in return instead. I couldn’t believe my balls were turning their back on me.

“Azi… you know what and how much you mean to me. Bakit kailangang umabot sa ganito?” she asked again, facing me with her eyes full of confusion.

“I don’t know,” I gloomily shrugged. “I just woke up one day having these feelings for you.” Bahagya akong tumawa. “Trust me, Klare. It drives me crazy, too.” But even a forced laughter didn’t help in easing what I was feeling that moment.

“Azi…” she motioned to hold my hand and I let her. Kahit sa oras man lang na ‘yun, maramdaman ko ‘yung init ng palad niya. I held both her hands and kissed each one. She did not fret. Hinayaan niya lang akong gawin ‘yun. “Azi, you know this is wrong in so many ways,” she softly said. “Magpinsan tayo.”

That statement triggered the hope I had in me. She still sees me as a cousin. Siguro, kung maipa-realize ko sa kaniya that she was no longer a cousin to me, that she was never my cousin, maybe I could have a little more hope that we could still be possible—the way Elijah and her became possible.

“Azi…” she breathed my name once again.

“Hindi tayo magpinsan, Klare. We both know that,” mahina kong tugon. “Klare, hindi magkaparehong dugo ang dumadaloy sa mga ugat natin. You are a Ty, ako ang Montefalco. Hindi tayo magpinsan. Can’t you see that? Can’t you give me the same chance you gave Elijah? Magpinsan pa kayo ni Elijah nang mahalin mo siya.” Mentioning his name was painful at that moment pero ‘yun lang ‘yung naisip kong paraan para makita niya 'yung ipinupunto ko. “Klare, it’s been 4 years since we knew na hindi tayo konektado ng anumang dugo. We are not cousins. We can be possible, Klare. We are possible, too.”

“Azi, no…” Umiling siya nang paulit-ulit at kitang kita ko ‘yung pinaghalong lungkot at awa sa mga mata niya. “Magkaiba kayo ni Elijah. And we are cousins in my eyes. Please, try to understand that.”

“But I love you!” nawawalan na ng pag-asang amin ko sa kaniya.

Mariing pumikit si Klare at ramdam kong nahihirapan siya. She opened her eyes and said, “I love you, too, Azi. But I am in love with Elijah. And nothing… no one can ever change the fact that I am for him, and he is for me.”

Naramdaman kong nag-init ‘yung gilid ng mga mata ko. I pulled her hands closer and pressed my lips on them one more time, this time, mas mariin. Nagmamakaawa ang mga matang hinarap ko siya. “Klare, please…” But she continued shaking her head. Yet, I pleaded even more. “I may be the greatest jerk you know but I can change for you. I will change—for you. Please, Klare. Give me a chance…”

Her breathing heavied as she continued to say sorry. She was sorry because she couldn’t give me what I was begging her for. She was sorry because she just sees me as a cousin. She was sorry because her heart was already taken. She was sorry because she couldn’t love me back the way I was asking her to.

And as realization hit me, ako na rin ‘yung sumuko. “Pero kahit ano pa ang gawin ko, alam ko na hindi iyon sapat para mahalin mo rin ako. Nothing that I do will ever be enough. Because in the first place, I was never enough.”

“Azi, we both know that isn’t true.” Hinawakan niya ako sa pisngi at iniangat ang mukha ko. Nang magpantay 'yung mga tingin namin, she sadly smiled at me. “You are always enough, Azi. But not just for me. Mahal namin ni Elijah ang isa’t isa. You know that, right? You were there with us. You fought with us. Alam mo kung gaano namin kamahal ng pinsan mo ang bawat isa. And now, everything has paid off.”

I seriously couldn’t find my tongue. I wanted to ask her what she meant pero lalo lang akong natakot malaman 'yung gusto niyang sabihin.

“Elijah and I are getting married, Azi. And we want you to be a part of our wedding.”

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ‘yung mas masakit. ‘Yung malaman na hindi niya ako kayang mahalin dahil mahal niya si Elijah higit kanino pa man, o ‘yung malamang ikakasal na sila at wala na akong ano pa mang magagawa.

Napapikit ako as she pulled me close to a hug. “I will always be here for you, Azi. You’re my favorite guy cousin, remember?” she said, trying to make me feel better and I wished it was that easy.

I knew that moment that it was the end of it for me.

“I’m sorry for loving you, Klare,” I uttered as I nestled my head on her neck. “I’m really sorry…”

She hushed me momentarily. “No, Azi. Never say sorry for loving someone. Ako ang dapat na mag-sorry. Sorry dahil hindi ko maibabalik ang pagmamahal na ibinibigay mo.” She pulled away from the hug and tried to make me smile. “Come on, cheer up. Hindi bagay sa’yo ang umiyak.”

Napangisi ako bigla. “Bakit, kay Elijah ba bagay?”

She pouted, as if picturing his image on her head. “He’s gorgeous kahit ano pa'ng gawin niya,” she said.

“At talagang ididiin mo pa? Mas gwapo naman ako sa gagong ‘yun.”

“Hey!” palo niya sa braso ko habang nakangiti. “Stop calling each other names. Para kayong hindi magpinsan.”

“He started it!” I answered, laughing.

I felt lighter somehow. Kahit na kumikirot pa rin ‘yung puso ko. I just didn’t want her to worry even more.

Bigla rin akong nagseryoso at hinuli 'yung tingin niya. “But just in case, Klare, I'm here.”

Yet again, she shook her head. “No. Kahit pa masaktan ako ng ilang ulit, I will not resort into being with you. You are worth so much more than just a rebound.”