As Things Should Be

-4- Guilt

Months passed and Doma found it harder to eat. Every human he killed suddenly tasted... different. Each and every woman began to remind Doma of Kotoha and that made something foreign in his stomach twist so viciously that he felt he may be sick.

For a while, he thought he was dying. That was a foolish thought he dismissed; demons don't just... die.

Right?

He slowly began to feel as though there was some weight in his chest, pressing down on him with each and every day. He didn't know what it was or how to make it go away. It worsened whenever he was away from Kotoha and became nearly unbearable when he feasted.

The only time that weight left him was when Doma was around Inosuke and Kotoha... especially Kotoha. The two of them had fostered a sort of friendship, Doma wouldn't lie and say that it wasn't confusing. He often wondered why the woman was still alive and why he hadn't eaten her.

He told himself it was her voice... yes; it was her voice and gorgeous looks that prevented her from dying. Even as he recited those words he knew it was a lie. The thought of killing and eating her or her son made the weight in his chest ten times worse. It made him feel as if he was being stabbed in the chest, no, it was worse than being stabbed. He knew the feeling of being stabbed, this was an interior pain for which there was no cure or regeneration. 

Demon slayer swords hurt less than this did. He would know.

He couldn't understand it and finally, unable to bear it, he questioned Kotoha about it. She seemed to have these 'emotions' figured out. She could probably fix him.

"It sounds like you're feeling guilty about something," Kotoha pondered, putting a finger on her chin as she thought. They were sitting in the garden one night as Inosuke ran around chasing the last of the summer fireflies.

"Guilt?" Doma wondered looking up at the starry sky. "Hmm... perhaps."

Guilt? That was a strange notion. The great Doma, the left hand of Muzan Kibutsuji, the god who'd taken human flesh, the Gracious One, the infallible and unbeatable Doma... feeling guilty?

"That's how it feels for me at least," Kotoha continued smiling when she saw Inosuke fall in the grass only to jump to his feet and angrily continue his pursuit of the glowing bugs. "Whenever I feel bad about something, it feels like I'm ten times heavier - like someone's forcing all of the air out of my lungs. My heart falls into my stomach and everything just feels... terrible."

"Guilt..." Doma murmured, considering her words. What was he feeling guilty about? If he was indeed feeling guilt.

"As for the stabbing in your heart," Kotoha breathed, "That sounds as though you're afraid... or you may be hurt."

No... Doma didn't know much about emotion but he didn't think the stabbing in his chest was something like fear... it was different, and he had no reason to fear anything. He was Upper Moon Two, the third strongest being on earth, bested only by Muzan himself and Kokushibo. He had nothing to fear.

"Mama! Mama!" Inosuke cried toddling up to his mother with his hands clamped around something. He slowly opened them showing his mother the cricket in his palm. The cricket, happy to be free, bounded out of Insouke's hands and disappeared in the grass. Inosuke puffed out his cheeks and stomped his feet angrily as he looked for the escapee.

"That's okay," Kotoha assured her son, picking him up and placing him on her lap, "The cricket wants to be free, you should let him go and be free."

"No! I no ant-oo," Inosuke objected in baby gibberish.

"Well, what you want doesn't matter this time," Kotoha explained softly. "The cricket wants to go so who are you to make him stay?"

Inosuke huffed and scowled before spying another firefly and taking off after it. Kotoha giggled as he went and her eyes twinkled. Under the moon, she was the image of perfection, and Doma did not say that lightly. He'd seen perfection, he knew what to look for. Her dark blue hair glowed as the silver beams danced off her smooth locks and her eyes shone like strange jewels of dew on the grass. Her face was as soft as it had always been and her smile was its usual bright self but for some reason, it all seemed so much more gorgeous at that moment. Doma watched her, recognizing each of these things as he studied her.