Punish Me Mr Styles>> l.s. au BDSM

Chapter 12 -- Let me forget

Warning: Contains triggers and stuff. A/N: It's a filler chapter. So this is Harry. A music chapter :3 Whitch means most of it will be the past. I'm answering the 'Wtf?! Why the drugs Hazza!?" now. XD

-Ren

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Harry's P.O.V.

  I walked to my room and fell face first on the bed. My world was spinning. I felt like I was going to die. I swallowed a bright pink pill, before my eyes closed. No not estacy, stimulant. A halucinagine. I wanted this to be the last time I remember. This needs to be the time I die.

"I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine"

My head throbbed in pain and the images in front of me began to spin in a blurr.

I missed the sweet mint of his lips. The tingling his hands gave me. I loved him so much. "Calum's doing great Hazza." our friend Mike assured me. But I wasn't sure.

"Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you? When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?"

I felt sick. My throat began to swell. And my eyes watered a little.

I pictured Calum finally opening the letter. He'd just faught with his new boyfriend. And needed some support. My words would alway be true. I could never hait him. Even if it would never happen.

"Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine?"

Tears ran down my face and I saw a small dark figure pad in. Then someone shouting my name. But I couldn't see. I could barely hear.

I saw them walking hand in hand at the supermarket. Calum was smiling and laughing. They were pointing out to ingrediants and discuassing meals. Calum blushed as he was gently kissed. Tears rolled down my cheeks. No.

"'Cause I'm not fine at all"

Small hands gripped at my shirt. But I couldn't hear what the peson was saying. My eyes were glazing over and the black figure began to blend in.

I sat in my room sobbing and threw my ring at the wall. The one he'd given me for christmas in 9th grade. I looked for a outlet and opened a cabnit. I swallowed a few pain killers. Half an hour later I felt higher then the moon. And for that moment, nothing could touch me. I didn't need Calum. But after that, I fell out of the stars and back to reality.

"I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the make-up running down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them Like every single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape"

A pearcing noise was all I heard before the world went dark. My heart beating a thousand miles an hour.

I took our wish box outside and threw it in the fire pit. I struck a match and threw it in watching all our plans and dreams being turned to ash. I fell to my knees silent sobs wracking through me. We'd want'ed to start our own band. 5 directions 1 summer. Cheesy I know. The mascara running down his cheeks and the smudged cover-up hiding his bruised eye scard me. Every night the bed was a reminder. The cold sheets when I went to bed, and the still unmade blanket where he'd thrown it off and stormed out.

"'Cause I'm not fine at all"

My fingers and toes went numb first. I felt the jostling of someone trying to move me. And the stretch of my shirt as someone was pulled away.

I knelt over my toilet puking the meal I'd managed to keep down until I got home. The alcohol ran thickly through my blood and my head was light. I couldn't work properly. My body was shutting down.

"The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around"

My body felt as if it was in an intense fire. I hurt and ached but it was somehow comeforting. This could be the day its all over.

I woke up in a hospital room and looked at the side table. I picked up my phone and looked through the pictures I'd taken with him. We were both smiling then. And it was bliss after the storm. The storm of life.

"It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long"

Time around me started to slow. My heart felt like it was about to literally beat right out of my chest.

I walked through the empty park and sat on a bench over looking a lake. A little girl ran past screaming 'daddy calum!' over and over. I looked up and he was there. With the person I now knew as Drew. Holding their daughter, and again I sobbed.

"It's like we never happened, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine?"

I let all my feeling melt away. Slipping into darkness. Loosing all conection to the world around me as my heart slowed.

I passed by his new home. Seeing him playing with his little girl named Madline as Mike tells me. He looks straight through me and waves to the person accros the streat. Watching them as they crossed brining their little girl over to play.

"'Cause I'm not fine at all"

I couldn't feel, hear, see, my mouth tasted dry, and my nose was buring. I couldn't BREATH.

I tried estacy for the first time a week later. I happily clubbed and got laid. If I had my estacy. I didn't need Calum.

"I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the make-up running down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them Like every single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape"

I was soffocating.

I couldn't get my self to stop. The estacy was all I had. The memories hurt too much.

"If today I woke up with you right beside me Like all of this was just some twisted dream I'd hold you closer than I ever did before And you'd never slip away And you'd never hear me say"

There was nothing at all. Just the ramblings of my dying brain.

I woke up so many times expecting to see him there. But of course he wasn't. And every time a little more of me broke away. He'd been my love for 5 years. Now there was just empty space.

"I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the make-up running down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them Like every single wish we ever made I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape"

My mind began to fizzle. It was hard to remember.

I tried to text. But my finger would freeze above the send button. And I'd clear it locking my phone.

"'Cause I'm not fine at all No, I'm really not fine at all Tell me this is just a dream 'Cause I'm really not fine at all"