His Ignored Wife

36: Confessions and Choices (part 2)

"No, no." He started promising, grip tight on my hand. "I never did. I never struck you for her. It was my own fear...my desperate need to keep clinging to the past. When I found out that you hid something like that for me...I felt terrified...scared by how intensely hurt I had felt by your actions. You...that was the fact haunting me. Not her. Only you. I told you I am never an abuser. Hurting you has been a defence for me, but it only broke me further. Seeing your tears makes my own heart bleed. To pull me out of the dark place, I have worked with my counsellor-doctor. I promise...I will never break your heart again because there will be nothing left of me if I do." His voice reached octaves, eyes gleaming with unshed tears and repressed fear. This was him putting his heart out in the open...hoping that I would give it another chance, but how could have, when I was so terribly scared. Just like him. 

"But how can I forget the pain, Demir?" I cried. "You promise to change. In fact, you have shown me a tender side, but how can I expect you to spare me when you have so brutally crushed it? You slapping me showed that you never respected me. Your temper had no problems throwing my past straight into my face. I showed you my wounds...and you used it as a bait to torture me. How can you ever make me believe that you will cherish me...treat me with respect? I believe that you care, but I know that you never will respect me. Did you ever raise your hand at Meeran? Did you ever let your temper abuse her?" I questioned, knowing well that he had never hurt her...never abused her. This was all for me. 

He turned speechless for a second. Eyes staring intensely into mine, face reflecting under the full moon. His gaze moved over my angered expression, furrowed brows, and he gently started smoothing the creasing on my forehead, making my patience run thin, and then gave me a sad smile.

"I never did." He sounded so defeated and pained. Like he knew what his confession would do to me. 

I closed my eyes in agony. "My point exactly."  

"Losing her was when I entered a dark place." He continued bruising my heart. "I was guilty and full of regret. But, even after losing her, I didn't lose myself...my everything. Her loss made me bitter...but days without you made me no longer bother about anything. You were, are and will always be my universe...my everything." I opened my eyes at that. He was breaking past my shield. I didn't like that. 

"I-I-"

"She never terrified me. You did. She was safe, but you were the one who haunted my senses. Your face...your eyes...they would never leave my mind. Even when I was hurting over losing Meeran and missing her, it was your eyes that filled my dreams. Every place I looked...I only saw you. I never hit Meeran because I wasn't dealing with overwhelming hurt and confusion. It was never about respect, but about me being in a terrible place. I am not there anymore. I told you I am not an abuser...and I will never go back to that place again."

"How could you be so sure?" My voice broke, yet again. 

"Because I know you are it for me. I am sorry that I hurt you, Maya" He caressed away an invisible stray of hair away from my face, making me shiver. "I am sorry that I was such a terrible husband. Breaking your heart is something I will never forgive myself for. Ignoring your love will be one of my biggest regrets. But I am not sorry for falling for you. I am not sorry for adoring you. I am not sorry for begging you for one more chance. I know this is selfish of me, but I want to fight for you. And this is why I am giving you a choice. I will let you go if you say no. I will sign the papers, but I won't stop loving you." he spoke. This was what I had wanted to hear for so long. This was what I needed. I was sobbing again, knowing how messed up everything was, wishing to close off my emotions again because this was hurting...this was hurting badly.

"You know people will consider me extremely weak for giving this another chance," I weakly reasoned. "People will question...criticize...eye our bond with frowns and disappointment."