scars to tell

au // if satria never had the guts to ask

[listen to the song while reading]

"Satria, Audra."

Satria sighed, walking past his friends, who were all lined up in the front of the class, to his seat. His newly assigned partner followed timidly behind him.

At the beginning of every month, his teacher would reorganise the seating arrangement in the classroom, pairing up random students together so everyone would mingle well with one another. After a month of fun with a fellow guy classmate, Satria now had to sit with Audra, a girl he never quite noticed before.

As his teacher continued on the list of the new seating pairs, Satria stuffed the pile of books he had been carrying into the locker of his desk and dumped his bag carelessly on the floor, before finally sitting down on his new seat. He watched as everyone bustled around him, including his new desk mate.

Audra. The kind of girl you would walk past in the hallway and forget as you went by, someone that didn't really leave any meaningful impression. Straight face, dark hair pulled in a ponytail. No earrings, no necklaces, no bracelets to make herself more distinguishable. She laid low, as if on purpose, but not really.

The girl crouched on the floor, unpacking books and homework from her bag. She reached over, placing them inside her locker, and as she did so, the long sleeves of her uniform slipped off a little.

At this exact moment did Satria find Audra's significant feature, something she had seemed to miss for so long, something to finally set her apart from other people. Only it wasn't good, what Satria saw was absolutely horrible.

Cigarette burns marring her arms, too many to be accidental. Ugly blemishes against her olive skin. A few had started to dried out, healing; another few looked fresh.

Satria winced at this, but managed to refrain himself from saying anything. He immediately looked away, pretending he hadn't seen anything. He didn't want to invade her privacy.

*
For a few days, the image of the girl's skin was etched in Satria's head. He knew what he saw and he couldn't just ignore it, but words failed each time.

All he could do was watch her. Sometimes she seemed like she had a rough night: bleary eyes rimmed with black circles, upturned lips clasped tightly, and creases filled her forehead. At times like this, he wanted so bad to ask if everything's alright, but he was afraid he would make things worse.

Other times, she seemed slightly better, like how the other students were: doing her work in ease, her eyes not dim, and her forehead only creased when she was thinking. He never wanted to bother her on days like this, afraid that he would take her peacefulness away.

So all he did was watch her and silently pray that she would always be alright.

*
She wasn't there this morning. Not even when the bell had rung. She always came earlier than him, why wasn't she here yet?

Satria didn't know what made him so agitated about not having a girl he barely knew gone from his side. Her absence felt somewhat thick with hollowness he couldn't explain.

Why was she not here today? The question kept on repeating in his head. He didn't know who to ask, or where to find the answer, but he didn't need to wait any longer for the answer came sooner than he expected, brought by their homeroom teacher.

"Students, I'm afraid I have a terrible news for you. Your dear classmate Audra Amalisa is gone for good. Please pray for her." Satria's heart started to pound louder in his chest; a sinking feeling twirled in his gut.

"What happened?" One of Satria's classmate bursted out in curiousity.

"I'm sorry I'm not supposed to say why," answered the teacher, but the look in her eyes confirmed Satria's worries about Audra's cause of death.

Satria's heart dropped to his gut. She... was gone? But just yesterday...

Yesterday what? Yesterday she seemed fine? She was never fine and you know that, yet you never checked on her! The voices inside Satria's head yelled at him. He could feel his hammering heart sinking deeper; cold running down his spine.

"SATRIA!" The voice of his teacher shouting his name sent him back to reality. He could see his classmates were all staring at him.

"Yes?" Satria answered back quietly.

"Could you please help me pack up her stuff and get them to my table?" said his teacher, handing him a large plastic bag.

Satria took the plastic bag, nodding hesitantly. His teacher said thank you and left the room.

His hands trembled as he reached for the books stored in the drawer of her table, collecting them all in his lap. However, before putting them inside the plastic bag, he decided to take a peek on them.

His shaking hands grew cold as he checked each notebook. They all have hidden hints on the last pages. Tired. Stop it. I want to disappear. Take away all this pain. They never leave. Maybe I should leave. Gone. A few had been crossed out but he could still read them through the thick black ink.

He instinctively reached for his collarbone, finding the old scar just above it. The scar he created because once upon a time he was in Audra's boat too, but the difference was he had someone who saved him and she didn't. He didn't really know what she had gone through, but whatever it was, she must've needed someone to help her get through it. He wished he done more than just watching her, he wished he had been there, he wished she knew that she wasn't alone, he wished he never hesitated, he wished he can watch her scars heal alongside her soul, and he wished he could've helped taking away the pain. But it was too late, wasn't it?

A drop of tear splotched into what was left of his former seat mate: her distress call in the form of ink as dark as her thoughts. There was no going back now.

**
a/n: i listened to the song and felt like i just have to write this. i hope you like this bonus au xx