Love Comes Before: A Family Comes First Story | Ongoing

Sick

The euphoria of the other day was still present between me and Charles, but I was slowly brought back to reality when I realized I had missed my period. I scribbled my initial thoughts, terrified and in utter disbelief.

I can't have a child here. I can't have a child with him. I threw up twice before he came home, then tried to keep my food down as he asked how I was feeling.

"Oh, peachy." I forced, nausea consuming me. I swallowed it back, my face paling.

"Are you sick?"

"I-I dont think so. I should've made something else for dinner." I said, running to the bathroom and throwing up. I began crying as I held my hair back, until I felt Charles' hands replace mine. I clutched the toilet as I kept going, finally just painfully dry heaving.

"Mary," He soothingly said, "Mary you have to stop. Take a deep breath, you're going to hurt yourself."

I coughed and finally got myself to stop, flushing the toilet and falling back. Charles propped me onto the wall and sat in front of me, "Whats wrong?"

I just started sobbing more, "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong!" I lied, "Im scared!"

Charles' face softened and he pulled me close, holding me and rocking me back and forth until I calmed down a bit, "Let's go to the upstairs bathroom, we can sleep in there and hopefully you'll feel better. My mom always brought me water and crackers, so let's try that."

I nodded, shakily standing. I saw all the dishes on the table and moaned. "Mary, don't worry about it," He said, "I'll take care of it." He helped me upstairs, and set me up in the bathroom. He brought me water and a few crackers and I nibbled on them.

He sat across from me, I was becoming irritable, "Dont touch me." I snapped as he tried to comfort me. When I saw how hurt he was I softened, "I'm sorry, I just really don't feel well."

He smiled painfully, "I'm sorry, it will all be okay."

I wanted my mom. She would know what to do. I did lie somewhat about my nickname, my mom would always call me Lyn. My brother, Martin, he would call me Mary. I went back to throwing up at the thought of them. I hadn't talked to them in years, and I missed them. I never should've left them. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't left.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke up hungry. It was the middle of the night it seemed, and when I crawled out of the bathroom I saw Charles sleeping on the bed. I crawled downstairs and on all fours I opened the fridge and started eating some pieces of meat from leftover dinner.

I felt it trying to come back, but I forced myself to keep it down; laying on the floor in front of the fridge. I couldn't get back upstairs and I rested my head on the cool floor and fell asleep once again.

~

"Marilyn!" I heard Charles yell, loving me into his lap, "Oh god, Marilyn... you can't do that."

"I-I'm sorry Charlie." I said timidly. He hugged me roughly and kissed my face all over. I felt gross, but didn't throw up.

I cried, I was definitely pregnant. I had a miscarriage back when I was about 17, but the morning sickness felt exactly like this.

"Come on, Marilyn, stop crying." He pleaded, an undertone of annoyance.

I nodded, and hiccuped and heaved, forcing down my sobs, jolting with each one until I finally stopped. Charles looked at me, "Rest today. I have to work. We'll have leftovers."

I nodded, "Okay, Charles." He helped me upstairs and brought me a water before leaving. I pulled out my diary and started scribbling my notes, how far along I could possibly be, and how careless I felt.

The sick thing was is that apart of me wanted this. If I escaped with a baby, I'd still have someone to love me. The sick thing was is that apart of me believed I was starting to fall too much in love with Charles to kill him.

It was hard not to love him. He was tall and young and handsome. He was caring and still stern, like a parent should be. He was strong and he protected me. He put food on my table, something I didn't even have in my old apartment. Hell, sometimes I couldn't even get food.

I was confused. His family kidnapped me and forced me into marriage. Charles cut and bruised me, he raped me for this baby most likely. And to think I was giving myself to him willingly some nights. But the good outweighed the bad. He was obsessed with me, he cared for me and loved me.

I never felt like anyone loved me. I mean of course my mother and Martin loved me, but we were blood. We were forced to love each other. But Charles, he didn't have to love me. He chose to love me.

How can I be conflicted by this? How can I be questioning this?

"I should kill myself." I found myself realizing. The shock of the statement was so large I think I said it aloud. I've never thought of killing myself, even when I was a whore. If I killed myself that would leave Charles with nothing, no child, and no me.

If I wanted no child, I'd just throw myself down the stairs, or even use the coat hanger. Both would hurt. But, if I killed myself, it would be a quick death. I'm not even showing so the beautiful revenge wouldn't be as sweet. Maybe I'd leave a note explaining my fertility. But could I do it? Would I regret in my last moments of life?

I have a home here. And soon, maybe even my own family.

Sick, not so funny title realizing certain events. I write these chapters weeks, and even months before I post them, so this was written before current COVID-19 events. I hope everyone is participating in social distancing and staying safe.

I recently got a dog, so we're taking a lot of walks-with our masks on of course (don't worry they're homemade- a family member was making them for her local hospital and sent some over).

Along with that I've been doing online school and it's been really stressful. I'm trying to write more during this time so that everyone can enjoy a little distraction every once in a while.