TAKEAWAYS

1 - "Your body hears everything your mind says." - Naomi Judd

Imagine thorns pressing into your chest as vines entangle their grip around you, puncturing all sense of time and relativity. The oxygen clears from your lungs, and every surrounding blurs until you lose consciousness. Sweat drips down your spine, sending shivers into the abyss. I've experienced this feeling more times than I can count.

As I struggle to catch even the slightest draft of air, I remember to ground myself by naming objects in my room. But it's never that easy. The clock ticks down the seconds that feel like minutes, and the sound of lights whirring with the current of electricity screeches louder and louder. I let the process happen and embrace it.

My body falls limp back into my chair, my head leaning to face the ceiling where I can see the wooden beams holding everything into place, confining me to this basement. I focus on my breath, repeating to myself, "Deep breath in, and slowly release." I allow the thoughts of impending doom to leave my brain and acknowledge the air flooding into my chest.

Slowly, the blurry vision comes back into a crisp view, and I regain control of my body. But the energy I had only moments before has been swept away. The body is an intense package, and as Naomi Judd said, "Your body hears everything your mind says." Therefore, my body feels like I took multiple trips to the gym and each route taken was a heavy jog back and forth.

I can't help but yank my shirt off my back, enduring the struggle to itch the places it stuck. I jump up from my office chair, reach for the clean clothes basket, and head to the shower. My phone on the desk lights up with a text from Kamilah, a friend from my Computer Applications course.

"Hey, Leopold!! Just curious if you still planned on coming to room 226 at the dorms tonight?!"

Followed by far too many devil face and party hat emojis. If I wasn't knee-deep in anxiety, I would have remembered that Room 226 is known for its parties. I don't normally participate in anything that involves the horrid party scene. But Kamilah never fails to remind me of my impending doom of a boring life as long as I stay hidden growing indoor plants and playing ORPG games on the computer.

I respond with the following: "Yeah! I'll be on my way soon."

I can't count how many times I end up in these positions. Being predictable is safe and drama-free, but Kamilah always talks me into these things. She thinks this is my "calling," the "power on switch" to snap me out of my shell and allow me to live my life. But what if I want to live my life in the world of Elves and Orcs?

I struggle to turn the hot water on, using pliers to get the right temperature. After cleaning up, I toss on a black button-up and some old jeans, and sit silently at the kitchen table, contemplating what to bring to the party. But I'm just procrastinating. I pick up my keys and head out, knowing I have plenty of time to process my thoughts on the way. The snow is piled up to my knees, but I'm determined to leave the house and face my fears.

As I navigate through the snow-covered streets, I can feel the cold seeping into my bones, making me shiver uncontrollably. I keep my eyes on the ground, watching my steps carefully to avoid slipping and falling. The party is at the dorms, and as I approach, I can hear the thumping bass of the music and the chatter of voices. I pause for a moment before entering, taking a deep breath and trying to steady my nerves. The last thing I want is to have another panic attack in front of all these people. I remind myself that I am in control, and that I am here to have a good time. As I step inside, I am immediately hit with a wall of noise and movement. People are dancing, laughing, and drinking, all lost in the moment. I feel like an outsider, unsure of where to go or what to do. I scan the room for Kamilah, hoping to find some familiar face."Leo, over here!" Kamilah waves at me from the other side of the room. 

I make my way over to her, trying to blend in with the crowd. She hands me a drink and pulls me into a group of people, introducing me to everyone. As the night goes on, I find myself loosening up and enjoying the moment. I dance with strangers, chat with classmates, and even play a game of beer pong. For a brief moment, I forget about my anxiety and my worries, lost in the thrill of the party. But as the night wears on, I start to feel the exhaustion creep in. My muscles ache, and my head is starting to throb from the noise. I realize that I've been here for hours, and I should probably head back home.

I say my goodbyes to Kamilah and the rest of the group, promising to do this again soon. As I step outside into the cold night air, I feel a sense of relief wash over me. The party was fun, but it's not my scene. I prefer the quiet and solitude of my own company. I make my way back home, taking in the stillness of the night. The snow crunches beneath my boots, and the stars twinkle above. As I reach my doorstep, I realize that tonight was a small victory for me. I faced my fears and stepped out of my comfort zone, and for that, I am proud. Tomorrow is a new day, and I know that I can face it with a little more confidence than before. As I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, I can feel the thorns in my chest start to fade away, replaced by a sense of calm and peace.