I Drew a Monkey in a Math Book and Now I'm Married

VII - We

It was an impossible thing to ask. It wasn’t fair to her to ask such a question. I had based the future of our relationship on a belief that a wife needed to have a telepathic level of empathy toward her potential partner. It was wrong to do that to her, put so much of a burden on her that relied on her never even knowing she was being tested. It was a foolish thing to do. A wiser person would have realized that thoughts like mine were the types of ideas which ruined what would have otherwise been beautiful relationships. If I were a wiser man, I probably would have never thought this. Fate would prove thought, that it didn’t matter.

Had I had the time to consider my thought processes, I may have dismissed it as the uncontrolled daydreaming of an infatuated youth. I didn't have the time, though. As I finished that fateful sentence in my mind, literally, as the period landed in the sentence of my thoughts, I heard a whisper from the other side of the bed.

"Jon, is everything alright?" Jennie said.

“...”

“(What? Seriously?)” These were only real thoughts I could muster. I was startled at the immediacy of which my test was passed. I didn't even have time to realize what a stupid idea that was! To place one’s fate in the whims of miraculous luck!

Perhaps, however, it wasn’t really luck. Perhaps it was exactly what I needed to do, and her reaction, was exactly what I needed to hear.

“(Umm... No. It is ok.)” I thought, gathering myself.

…

“(She is the perfect woman for me. And I did say that I would, so I am going to. I'm doing this.)"

I rolled over and looked at her. She was concerned by my apparent absence. I talked to her and told her what I felt. I told her what my mind had been up to and what I had decided. I told her how much the time we spent together meant to me and how I never really wanted this day to stop. I told her that I wanted to spend my life with her.

That’s when I asked her to marry me. That was it. That was all the thinking about it and planning that I done. I hadn't ever really considered it before that, not really. At that moment, though, I made a choice that was by far the most important of either of our lives, and I did it almost completely on impulse. There was no planning; no consultations; no time for hesitation.

In all honesty, if you find a woman who is sweet, smart, hardworking, and wonderful in all the ways you need, you should consider taking a few chances for her. If, however, you find a girl who does all this and also instinctively understands you so well that her abilities border on clairvoyance, you really need to drop everything and take the leap of faith. I was rash like a child and almost completely driven on emotion with only the slightest ounce of reason to back it up.

Her concern over the few minutes I spent in silence a few moments earlier had transformed to a stunned silence.

She said she would have to think about it...

Think about it.

Those words hung in the air for a moment and my heart sank. Sank is perhaps the wrong word. Sank is too soft of a word. My heart crashed to floor taking with it my raptured spirit. Both descended with an almost audible thud.

What had I just done?

I told her that thinking it over would be fine and that I understood. That was a lie. I was scared, terrified to be precise. I was struck sick. Literally sick. Once the cold realization of the brash actions and all the potential consequences were fully realized I was left with the feeling that you get that there is a deep, deep chasm in your chest when you suddenly realize that you have already lost something extremely important, but the actual event was yet to occur. It was the looming presence of doom. More than anything, at that moment, I was wishing so very, very much to have been afforded, just for one moment in my life, the ability to return three minutes back in time and forget the whole thing ever happened. Internally, I was a wreck. Outwardly… I said that I understood. As I said before, that was lie.

It was late, so I slept on her couch that night. That was one of the worst nights I have ever had. I knew that was one the most reckless things I had ever done.

“Oh God,” I thought. “She is going to get freaked out and break up with me.”

…

“She will tell the whole school and make a laughing stock of me.”

…

“I should just walk in there and take it back... Stupid.”

…

“Then again,” I considered. “She might say, ‘Yes”…"

Eventually exhaustion from the day took over and I was able to go to sleep a few desperate hours later. The next morning I went to see her. We talked for a few minutes. She didn’t bring it up, as if neither of us must have been thinking about the giant, invisible thing sitting there in the room with us. We would probably still be sitting there if I didn’t work up the courage to ask, again. I asked her what she thought about last night. After the night I had just had, I have never been so afraid to ask a question, let alone, ask it again. All my worrying and the cold sweat I finally fell asleep in didn’t prepare me for what she said.

She said that she spent the whole night thinking of reasons why she shouldn't do it. That was swift kick in the stomach. Then she opened her mouth, as if to finish the thought. The next thing she said was that she couldn't come up with any.

She said, “Yes.”

That was how we decided we would get married. We were still seventeen.

We didn't tell anyone because, frankly the community wouldn't support two seventeen year olds considering the idea of marriage. We grew up in a small town, but this wasn't the 1950's, after all. It just wasn’t wise. It wasn’t normal. It was ludicrous by almost any standard you could logically imagine. The town would not be understanding. Then there would be our families. How would you accept it? What if your son or daughter told them they planned to get married and haven’t even began Senior year of high school? This was something we would do alone. Together, but alone.

We spent the next year "preparing" ourselves for it, “it” being a life of marriage directly following a life of childhood. After school we laid in bed talking about our fantastic plans and built up our dreams together. ‘How many kids would we want?’, ‘What type of house would we want to live in?’, ‘What jobs would we have?’, ‘Would we have dogs or cats? Or both? How many?’

 I think that that year was actually much more important for us than the romantic story above. We really contemplated our situation and started to really grasp the things we had to do. We began to think like married people as we kept up our secret engagement. 

That's when, I think, "I" and "me" started to dissolve into the much greater solution that is "us" and "we". It’s an important transition. I don’t think most couples appreciate the moments that erode the self into something greater that two individuals. You don’t really realize when it happens. There was just a moment when you stopped making plans for you. You instinctively wonder how your choices will affect not only yours, but her life. If you’re lucky, that other person will feel the same way. Everything is “we” from then on.

**************************************************************

Thanks for Reading - Please Remember to Vote ;)

You can follow me here, or on my blog, jonsdeepthoughts.wordpress.com.

I am not a professional author. Everything I write is fan and follower supported. If you would like to donate by becomeing one of my patrons, please visit www.patreon.com/jondavis. 

Please comment and vote! Again, thanks for reading.