A Growing Sea of Short Stories

Crickets and Peanuts

"What happened to us?" I can't find an answer for him. I open my eyes, brush some bangs from his, staring. Terrified that if I spend even a moment blinking he will vanish. His eyes start to fill up again. It hurts too much to see again so a turn from him, reaching into the pocket on the back of this car seat. My hand brushes a plastic bag and a pull it out; double-dipped chocolate-covered peanuts. A sure cure for sad times. I turn back into my seat, handing him the bag. He chuckles, kisses my cheek, pops a few into his mouth. He turns on the car, rolling all the windows down then cuts the engine. Cricket songs layer over frog calls, pouring into the car cap. James pours a couple peanuts into my hand. We rest our seats all the way back, just listening. I rest my hand on the counsel between us. His fingertips trace patterns on the back of my hand. The moonlight outlines his arm behind his head, messy bangs sticking up all directions, moving cheeks as he chews. He is staring out the window, yet I still see the exact moment his eyes start to fill up again. My mind races to find an answer, anything to make his pain go away. I contemplate telling him it was a mistake and we could make it work, but he knows me so well. The lie would never get by him. I weave our touching hands together. "James?" He turns to me," I love you."

I was so nervous the first time I told him that. I had tried to work up the courage to tell him the previous weekend, but it was not until we were late for class and practically running down the hall that I had enough nerve to say it. He had already said it to me, but I couldn't yet. What is love? I thought for sure we were way too young to know. When he professed that emotion to me, five months prior, all I said was thank you. I literally said thank you, yet he still pursued me. He stayed, despite the piece of work I turned out to be. I thought I had found the love of which storybooks were written. We leaned against the wall, collecting our breath outside my class. He must have seen my hands start to shake for he took them into his own. He searched my brown eyes for some clue as to what was wrong. His concern for me made the words just pop out of my mouth. His face lit up brighter than any Christmas tree. "James, I love you."

"Thank you" I wanted to both kiss him and punch him for making me laugh. He's always made jokes at the stupidest times. Nevertheless, we giggled through the sadness in the air. He leaned over the center counsel, kissing the tip of my nose just as he's done so many times before. The thought of our routine comes to mind. The pattern our lives have fallen into for the last four years. Mine revolves around him, his revolves around me. But after tonight that will change. My body starts to shake so hard my teeth chatter. Panic runs ramped through my thoughts. Knowing exactly what's happening, he looks me straight in the eyes. I feel the warmth of his hand on my neck. He speaks with gentle kindness, "Buttercup, you've got to breathe okay? Don't panic on me. Breathe."

"Sometimes I- I just... can't.... breathe." I finally got the words out. We were sitting in his car, just outside of the fairgrounds. He was seeing the first of many panic attacks I had while we were together. I sat wrapped in a tight ball in the passenger seat. My teeth chattered, my body shook, my arms were numb, and my vision was black around the edges. We went to the fair, but the nighttime crowd had blown me into full panic mode. I threw up in the grass just in front of his car. I remember him staring at me, no doubt at a loss as to what he should do. He put a hand over mine, asking if that was okay. I shook my head to say yes. Eventually, I could feel my hands again, my breaths came easier. I intertwined my fingers with his, letting myself fall over onto him. He wrapped his arms around my little body, and I cried. That night we drove to the end of a dead-end road and we talked. I told him about the most painful night in my memory. Something clicked. Abuse is hard to understand, but that night he understood my vices a little more. He told me he loved me even more. The next morning, he checked my wrist at school. I remember feeling so warm inside when he said, "I am so proud of you."

"You're my best friend, what am I supposed to do?" I see the hurt fill his eyes as with every syllable. I know he won't have any more answers than I do, but I have to ask anyway. He pulls me back into his chest, where I soak his shirt again. I feel his fingers twirling around pieces of my hair, leaving light little patterns. He rests his head against mine again, sniffling too. My chattering teeth join the crickets for a while, fading out as the panic starts to leave. We stay pressed together until my body stops shaking, and then he breaks the embrace. He peppers kisses on my forehead, over my cheek, and down the side of my neck. He finally puts one on my lips, but it tastes like a goodbye. I pull away to bury my face in his shirt. The fabric is wet but like a terrified toddler I stay there, hoping tonight will turn out to be just a bad dream. He cradles me in his arms; he sighs as he leans back into the car seat. I listen to his heartbeat, tapping my finger to the little tune until it lulls me to sleep. An hour later he wakes me up, kissing the top of my head. I find myself staring again as he rubs the sleep from his eyes, longing to take the last few hours back. He starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot. His fingers intertwine with my own on the ride home. While the car idles in the driveway, we share one last kiss under the stars. We hug one more time, lingering a few moments in the warmth of one another. He wipes a tear from my cheek when we finally pull away. It was the only form of goodbye we could muster, so he presses his lips to mine in what turns out to truly be the last. Gravel crunching under his tires is the only sound I register as he pulls away. My best friend starts the drive home, glancing in the rearview, with tears still falling and hurt still dancing in his eyes.

 A/N just popping in again because I do not want to start my homework..... one more semester left! Have a good day friends!