Stonehearts 6: Alexandrite

Thirty Seven

It's been two months and I've never been this miserable in my whole life. We're living with Sam, but it felt like Clyde and I are living alone. As soon as we got to his house, he unveiled his true color. He's never there, and even if he is, he is usually passed out drunk in his sofa.

I knew from the very moment that he wasn't father material. He spends his nights partying – not that I care. But what concerned me is that I have to steer Clyde away from him every morning. We talked about it, and I told him that if he needs to crash, he better do it in his room, not in an open space like the living room. I was also very firm when I told him that he should never bring home any woman; he can fool around but not around my son. Because I know that this will taint Clyde in a way that will haunt him for life.

Nawala na rin ang iginigiit niyang 'connection to Clyde' noon. Kapag lumalapit sa kanya si Clyde para magpatulong sa assignments, he would always shoo him away. Kapag nagkukwento si Clyde sa kanya, lagi niyang sinasabi na sa susunod na lang siya makikinig. I just don't get the reason why he wants us here, dahil wala naman talaga siya kainte-interes kay Clyde or anything that has to do with my son. Hindi ko naman ma-push ang topic dahil ayaw ko namang gamitin nanaman niyang panakot sa akin ang pagsasampa ng kaso.

Hindi rin maayos ang naging resulta nang sinabi ko kay Clyde na hindi na kami uuwi sa Taytay Gio niya. He spent the whole night crying until he fell asleep. He rarely does that, that's why I was convinced that the news really distressed him, worse, broke his tiny heart. The next day I have to sit him down and told him that we can't do anything about the situation because it is what it is. Hindi naman na siya nagtanong muli, I think he knows that I'm also upset with our situation.

That's why, my worry grows every day for my sweet boy, because slowly he's losing all the glimmer in his eyes.

As for our needs, we were never short of it. Sam has three maids, two drivers, a gardener, and a pool boy. Everything we may need are catered – kahit hindi namin hingin.

Sam allows almost everything except going out without him. He has this paranoia that eventually we will disappear on him. Kahit naman gusto ko, hindi ko magawa kasi tulad nga ng sabi ko, lagi niyang sinasampal sa mukha ko na kayang-kaya na akong kasuhan ng kidnapping. Kaya madalas nasa bahay lang kami ng anak ko, unless Sam needs Clyde so he can show him off. It was always like that, he shows fake concern and affection to my kid whenever there are other people around – his parents, his brothers, cousins, friends, and most importantly, his grandmother.

We were greeted by the scorching heat when I allowed Clyde to play in the pool. He wanted to go out pero hindi naman kami pinayagan ni Sam.

Naupo ako sa isa sa mga beach chair doon habang pinapanood ang isa sa mga yaya ni Sam na nagbabantay kay Clyde. Clyde was splashing water everywhere, clearly happy, I let my lips tip up for it's rare for him to be lively.

I peeled my gaze away from them to I check my phone.

Actually, simula nang umalis kami kila Gio, lagi akong umaasa na text-san niya man lang ako o tawagan. I know it's selfish, but that's what my heart shouts ever since. I always stare at the last chat bubbles we exchanged, hoping a day that another one will magically appear there.

But who am I kidding?

I put my phone down and reached for the book I brought with me. Nakaipit doon ang sulat na ginawa ni Gio para kay Clyde. I haven't read it nor shared it with Clyde. Because the wounds are still fresh, and reading it is like rubbing salt all over the injury.

"Minsan, ang kailangan mong gawin ay tanggapin para mas makahinga ka ng maluwang." I looked at my side and saw Manang Cora, the oldest of the help.

I talk to her occasionally, shared a little bit of here and there. Minsan kasi parang feeling ko naaaning na ako kaya naghahanap ako ng kausap, lalo na kapag umuuwi ako galing trabaho – trabaho na alam kong ibinigay sa akin ni Gio. Alam ko kahit hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang lahat ng nangyari at nangyayari, she will ultimately piece everything together and understand the bigger picture.

"Naaalala ko kasi sa'yo ang anak ko. Sobrang tatag pero sa ilalim ng lakas na 'yon, doon niya tinatago lahat ng takot niya. Alam kong mahirap, pero siguro oras na para tanggapin mo ang tinatakbuhan mo o ang tinatalikuran mo; para sa'yo, para sa anak mo."

What she said hung over my head like a cloud even after she excused herself to make some snacks. Hindi ako nakasagot, pero sa tingin ko hindi naman niya talaga in-expect na may isasagot ako.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang hinatak ko mula sa gitna ng libro ang liham. Habang nakatitig ako roon, napansin kong may nagpapatugtog pala sa 'di kalayuan.

I realized the song being played in the background. I know because this has been in my playlist ever since Gio and I parted ways.

With a few deep breaths, I opened the letter.

'My dearest Clyde,

Kapag binabasa na sa'yo ito ng Naynay mo, ibig sabihin hindi na muna tayo magkikita. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal pero lagi mong iisipin na hindi ka mawawaglit sa isip ng Taytay Gio mo.'

"Pakisabi na lang, na 'wag nang mag-alala at okay lang ako. Sabi nga ng iba, kung talagang mahal mo siya ay hahayaan mo~"

Nagbabadya na ang mga luha ko pero kailangan kong pigilan. Masyado ng maraming nangyari sa buhay ni Clyde at ayokong makita na niya akong umiiyak. Tinitigil ko muna ang pagbabasa, pinapakalma ang sarili ko kahit walang ibang ginawa ang kanta kundi durugin mas lalo ang puso ko.

"Kaya't humihiling ako kay Bathala, na sana ay hina na siya luluha pa, na sana ay hindi na siya mag-iisa~"

'Uumpisahan ko ang umaga ko na nasa isip ko kayo ng Nanay Lex mo at matutulog din ako habang umaasa na sana ikaw, si Naynay Lexy, ako, at ang mga masasaya nating alaala ang mapapanaginipan ko. Pasensya na anak, kung hindi pa namin kayang ipaliwanag sa'yo ng husto ang nangyayari, pero lagi mong tatandaan na lahat ng ito ay para sa'yo, na walang ibang ginagawa ang Naynay Lexy mo kundi para sa ikabubuti mo.'

"Nawalan na ng saysay ang pagmamahal na kay tagal ko ring binubuo, na kay tagal ko ring hindi sinuko~"

'Pasensya na rin kung wala ako sa tabi mo kung gusto mong umiyak kasi masama naging panaginip mo, wala ako sa tabi mo kapag hindi mo maintindihan mga assignments mo, wala ako para makinig sa mga kwento mo. Lahat lahat din ng mga iyon ay mamimiss ko. Kung bibigyan man tayo ng pagkakataon, sana balang araw kapag kaya mo nang intindihin ang lahat, magkita tayo at ikwekwento mo lahat ng mga nangyari sa mga panahong wala ako sa tabi niyo ng Naynay mo.

Clyde, bata ka pa pero alam kong mahal na mahal mo ang Naynay mo. Sana lagi kang nandiyan para sa kanya, kapag nalulungkot siya, kapag kailangan niya ng makakausap, kapag kailangan niya ng mayayakap, at iba pang mga pagkakataon na kailangan niya ng kasama.

Mahal na mahal kita, anak. Kayong dalawa ng Naynay mo. Lagi kayong nasa puso ko.

- Taytay Gio'

Natapos ko ang sulat na may patak ng mga luha ko. I can't get over the fact that the letter was brimming with so much emotions. I came undone.

Sinabihan ko muna ang yaya ni Clyde na magbabanyo ako dahil hindi ko na kayang pigilan pa ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Bago ako pumasok ng bahay, narinig ko ang mga huling linya ng kanta.

"Heto na'ng huling araw ng mga yakap ko't halik, heto na, heto na. Ingatan mo siya~"

--

Happy Valentine's Day, bbs!

I have a surprise for y'all. Actually, I've been brewing this for quite some time now but im still thinking if I should give it to you as a valentine's present  or should I just wait for Lexy to be completed? hahahaha idk still torn in between