Lady Hyacinth Grimm vs the Nautilus

Chapter 4: Teatime

"Do you suppose you could...?" Aludel asked Hyacinth's Abomination of Science. She did so hate to enter the portal; even if she didn't die instantly, it was near impossible to get the smell out of her feathers.

The Abomination nodded, lumbered through the portal and retrieved their mistress' corpse.

"Good, now if you could just lay her on the floor here and take a step back-- Thank you."

The portable revivifier Aludel carried with her at all times was the standard model: it folded out into two prongs like an deer's antlers. The florescent blue goop it was filled with crackled with enough aetheric energy for two attempts. Aludel placed the prongs on either side of the dead woman's heart and triggered the first charge. A jolt of aetheric energy crackled over her chest.

Nothing happened.

Aludel, starting to suspect that her little prank was in poor taste, tried one final time. This time, Hyacinth jerked up into a seated position.

"Ow! Ugh, ow!"

"Do you whine every time you're revivified?" Aludel asked.

"Hey! You said the portal was safe."

"It's practically harmless."

"I died!"

"Come now. You can't tell me you graduated from the Royal University without dying half a dozen times."

Hyacinth frowned down at the scorch marks on her bodice.

"Seriously? Not even once? What about Poisons 201? You have to create a toxic gas that kills you."

Hyacinth's face went blotchy. "My gas was toxic. It was! ... but it only killed bothersome insects. Professor Myerscough did say its stench was a deadly weapon, though."

"So you passed that one on a technicality." Aludel sniffed. "I thought Professor Barnaby sent her ravening monster to kill everyone your class."

"No, I faced the monster. I just discovered that it enjoyed tea cakes and belly rubs more than ravening. Professor Barnaby was quite upset."

"No wonder she never sent it after my class. Fine, but there's no way to graduate without passing Drama 301: Maniacal Laughter. The final is literally laughing in the face of death."

"Which I did, except that Professor Hanofer used Professor Barnaby's ravening monster as death. He didn't want to have to redo the test for the entire class, so he gave everyone a C."

"He graded on a curve? No fair! I had to get revivified and my left leg reattached after my final."

Hyacinth peered at the portal. "Has anyone tried to create a portal to a dimension that doesn't have toxic air?"

"Why?" Aludel asked, hooking the portable revivifier back onto her belt.

"I only thought that it might be safer or more efficient than pumping toxic air through the alchemical filters."

"Safe and efficient? What kind of mad scientist are you?"

"I mean--"

"What, precisely, is your doctorate in?"

"I never said I had a doctorate; you just assumed that."

Aludel crossed her arms, fanning out her flight feathers. "Did you pass your practicals?"

Hyacinth blushed. She had, in fact, passed every one, a shameful black mark on her academic record. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Lady Aludel, what is your rank?"