In Secret

A Temporary Lapse

Madison's POV:

I was back in that cursed 4 white walled room that I'd spent years stuck in. Tiredness had taken over me and I was weak once again. Death felt near, just like it had always been for a few years.

Giving up to death had always been out of the question for me, I still had a lot to see, yet sometimes, just sometimes, it would seem easier. When fatigue would be controlling me and the pain would be killing me, letting go just seems like the easier option. The one that would finally give me peace.

Every once in a while, I'd imagine what it might feel like to give up and now happens to be that time, except the feeling is much stronger. I look back at my past and all I could remember is the pain I felt these past couple of years, and giving up to death doesn't seem like a terrible idea all of the sudden.

So I shut my eyes and finally allow it to take me, hopefully to a better place.

I gasped out of my nightmare back into the real world, inhaling deeply. This doesn't happen to me a lot, in fact maybe once every couple of months, yet when it happens, the aftereffect of it stays with me for a while. Let's just say it haunts me for a couple of days, until it wears off and I realise this is all just a dream.

A nightmare that was meant to stay that way, because I'd never give up in real life. I'm more optimistic on this side of the world, since life has shown me a lot. Not to mention the surprises I got, and not all where good.

Yet I knew this was a lesson, the optimistic conclusion to all the past experiences I've lived through, the ones that give me nightmares right now. Life is short, that's the lesson I learned, and I intended to live every day of it like it was my last, to the fullest in other words. That's why giving up wasn't on my list, at least not until I've taken advantage of life to its maximum.

I brushed all these thoughts aside, focusing on my present right now, which said if I don't get out of bed right now then I'll be late to my first lecture. Second year of college wasn't as bad as the first, being a different experience to high school, yet that didn't prevent me from being late. I could never get used to waking up early ever since I was young, something I got from my dad, I just couldn't fight falling in love with sleep.

I took my sweet time preparing myself as having breakfast wasn't on my list. Eating in the morning wasn't my thing and everybody was used to me that way, the only thing I have is a cup of black coffee.

I brush my brown locks softly, leaving my hair down in its natural form, soft waves. My makeup on the other hand was done quickly, just to avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror for a long time.

Just like the mirror reflected my look, somehow to me it reflected my past as well. I'd look into the mirror and all it reflected in my greyish green eyes was my haunting past. Maybe to remind me that life was short, or that I'm a survivor, but either way it was painful and I chose to avoid it by avoiding the mirror.

My makeup was never much, only the minimum. Some concealer under my eyes to mask the strings that could lead to my past, mascara to make it seem like I have the perfect life, and lip gloss to shine and reflect the optimism I choose to live in. Same routine everyday, and if a occasion happens and I decide that I want more, then I let someone do my makeup.

Looking like an alive person, I carry my jacket along with my purse and head down. Good mornings are in order as I enter the dining room, beginning from my dad, Nick, to my mom, Hailee. Being an only child is an advantage when it comes to greetings, there's not much people to greet, yet the disadvantage comes along with the loneliness I have to bare.

"Here's your coffee sweetheart. Now hop off or you're gonna be late to school" my mom handed me the coffee as she joked a bit. I rolled my eyes smiling.