the silence

thirty-nine.

    waking up in his own bed felt wrong. eddy had taken brett home two days prior and the smaller boy still woke up terrified, clutching the blankets to his chest. his boyfriend slept soundly next to him, something he hadn't done at all during brett's absence. he was exhausted.

    picking brett up from the hospital had been a strange experience, to say the least. if you'd asked him, eddy would've agreed that the boy that came out from behind those large metal doors looked nothing like the one he'd fell in love with. his skin was too pale, his eyes too sunken, his knuckles white as he clenched his fists and stared at the ground. the air around him felt odd. eddy had been afraid to even touch him.

     however, that fear dissolved immediately when brett raised his head to look at eddy, his eyes full of tears. the taller boy leaned down and picked brett up into his long arms, rubbing his back gently and letting him cry onto his shoulder. he carried him to the car and they left that place forever.

    brett had not said a word. he'd responded to eddy's many "i love you"s with kisses instead of words and had shaken his head in response to any questions the taller boy had. eddy wasn't surprised, but he was scared. he missed brett's voice and missed his laugh even more, aching to hear it even just once. but he knew not to push.

    the only time brett uttered anything was in his sleep, but they weren't words. he'd whine and groan as he tossed and turned in his sleep, sometimes holding eddy so tight that he couldn't breathe. but he never complained.

    as brett sat in his bed, listening to the thick silence in the room, his eyes began to water as they usually did when he woke up. it had become part of his routine. wake up, cry, go back to sleep, wake up and cry again. it was miserable, but at least it was consistent.

    eddy knew that brett cried often, but his sleep schedule made him unaware that it happened every time brett woke up. he would've slept less if he knew, so brett didn't tell him. it wasn't like he could've found the words anyways.

    the smaller boy wasn't even sure why he was so sad. maybe he missed jamie, or maybe he was still processing the terrible time he'd had when he was locked away. he told himself that he should be happy and that he'd ruin things with eddy if he didn't pull it together. but he couldn't. it felt like he was spiraling again and that he was almost worse than he had been.

    the tears stopped after about an hour, replaced by an overwhelming numbness in his entire body. he wiped his face and laid back down next to eddy. the taller boy stirred immediately and wrapped his arms around brett's waist, resting his head on his chest and sleepily kissing the soft skin on his neck. brett almost smiled.

    "hey," eddy mumbled, obviously still more than half asleep. brett ran his hands through his boyfriend's messy hair and sighed.

    "i love you," eddy spoke again, sliding his large hand under brett's shirt and scratching his back lightly. brett bit his lip and cleared his throat.

    "i love you," he mumbled, heart pounding.

    eddy smiled softly and lifted his head to kiss brett's lips and his face over and over. a small smile made its way onto brett's face and he leaned his head down, pressing it against eddy's shoulder.

    the rest of their morning was lazy and filled with more kisses than brett could have ever counted. the numbness that plagued him slowly faded and his heart was full of love for eddy. he was almost happy as he laid on the taller boy's chest, his hands running through brett's hair over and over again. he'd never get tired of the way it felt. he'd never get tired of eddy touching him. one of the worst things about his time in the hospital was not being able to touch anyone or be touched. he thrived on affection and felt lost without it.

    eddy sat up around 1 p.m. and pulled brett onto his lap, kissing him a little more forcefully than he had all morning. brett closed his eyes and leaned into it, his scrawny arms around eddy's neck.

    "do you want to go to the park?" eddy asked. "it's okay if you don't, but it's supposed to be really nice outside today. sunny, too."

    brett didn't respond for a few moments, thinking it over in his head. his instinctual answer was a no, but he liked the idea the more he thought about it. they hadn't been allowed to go outside while he was there and brett loved outdoors and the sun when it wasn't too hot. it would also give him the opportunity to spend time with eddy outside of their bed, which he loved. he nodded after awhile and cleared his throat again.

    "picnic?" he said in a small voice, avoiding eye contact with eddy. he hated asking for things.

    "picnic," eddy agreed. brett hugged him tighter.

    "you can stay in bed for a bit while i get everything ready, okay? ill wake you up if you fall asleep," the taller boy said sweetly into brett's ear before kissing it gently. brett nodded.

    he did fall asleep. it took eddy less than thirty minutes to prepare, but brett was out within the first five. and for the first time since he got out, he slept quietly. eddy let him sleep for a few minutes longer and watched him to make sure nothing happened, stroking his hair and the side of his face.

    when eddy woke him up, brett immediately leaned in for a hug and wrapped his legs around eddy's waist. the taller boy chuckled softly and stood up with brett attached to him.

    "you need to get dressed, bretty," he murmured in his ear. brett sighed and put his legs down, walking quietly to his closet. eddy followed and wrapped his arms around his waist as he looked through his clothes.

    after brett had changed, the two of them held hands on their way to the car. the drive to the park was short and an unfamiliar feeling crept into brett's mind. it was excitement. the bouncing of his leg got faster as they got closer to the park, his eyes fixed on the trees that lined the entrance.

    "you okay?" eddy asked, noticing brett's unusual demeanor as he parked the car. brett nodded.

    "kiss?" he asked quietly. eddy laughed and nodded his head before leaning in, connecting their lips for a few moments. brett wanted more, but he knew he couldn't just sit in the car and kiss eddy all day. he wanted his picnic.

    brett's hand found eddy's again as they made their way onto the grass. the park was empty and brett was thankful. he wasn't ready to be around screaming children or their condescending mothers who'd stare at him and the boy he loved if they did anything to express that. they found a nice spot and put the blanket down before sitting on it.

    a gentle breeze brushed their cheeks and the sun came out to say hello, distancing itself from the puffy clouds in the sky. brett ran his fingers over the soft grass and sat quietly as eddy pulled their food out. it was the first time brett had volunteered to eat since he got out.

    the park was quiet as they ate, sitting close enough to each other so that their legs touched. brett climbed into eddy's lap once they'd finished, closing his eyes and listening to the soft chirping of the birds as he rested his head on eddy's shoulder.

    "thank you," he mumbled. "for everything."

    "of course, bretty. i love you," eddy responded.

    "i love you," brett sighed.

    brett and eddy held each other close as they sat on the soft blanket for hours, looking up at the clouds and at each other. brett was happy, and he was home. being in eddy's arms again made the pain in his chest dissolve. it felt like everything would be okay again. maybe not that day and maybe not the next, but it would be. eddy was happy, too, closing his eyes and planting soft kisses on the top of brett's head. the two lovers sat in the park for a long time, taking refuge in the silence.