Going Nowhere

April 28, 2016

 

Luke held open the blankets for me as I crawled into bed, laying my head on his chest. Luke put his arms around my shoulder, taking the hand I had placed on his chest into his own. He played with my fingers, something that reminded me of the same comfort he provided when we were together before.

 

I’m so tired of crying. I’d been crying so often over the past few months. Michael was the only logical reason. Ever since I met him, my entire system of emotions seemed to be racing on overdrive. With Luke it was so easy.

 

I let my hand wander along his chest. I gripped at his shirt, pushing back the tears that had absolutely no reason to fall.

 

“God I hate crying,” I attempt to chuckle and sniffle into his chest.

 

“It’s okay,” Luke whispered. His hand runs through my hair. “It’s okay to cry sometimes.”

 

The first time I had ever seen Luke cry had been heart wrenching. He had been bent over, his elbows resting on his knees. His shoulders shook. His head was bowed into his hands. He never told me what caused his pain. All I know was that he was so damn stubborn. He was so damn stubborn, just like me.

 

I crinkled in regret against him. I hate to ever think I had ever hurt him like that.

 

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

“For what?” I felt his chest rise and fall under me.

 

“For hurting you.”

 

He didn’t respond. I crawled up into his side further, hoping my closeness might ebb the pain away. He might not even be hurting anymore, but I sure as hell was. I whispered apologies as I softly cried into his tee shirt. He still stayed silent. That might have been worse than him saying he was hurting.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Gasp. “I’m so fucking sorry.” My fist curls tighter around his shirt.

 

When my sobs started to soothe down to fatigue, I heard Luke finally respond. “Don’t be. Michael’s a good guy.”

 

We didn’t speak again as my sobs wracked savagely through my body. I don’t know if he assumed I was crying over Michael at that point, but he did hold me tighter. He held me until I fell asleep.

 

***

 

I woke to whispering voices.

 

“You stayed with her all night?”

 

“Yeah, she said she needed me…”

 

“That was very kind of you.” It was Emma.