aeon

ten

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can the most familiar place to you become so foreign you wish to do anything but return? my own home should not feel so distant, and so detached. it shouldn't feel like a house when it was once a home. i always thought referring to people as 'home' was cheesy, but i now understood the entire concept of it all. it didn't matter where i was, jane made things familiar and comfortable; she was home. now that she's gone, how do i build one up from scratch?

i was left with a scar; figuratively and literally. even just being in the car on the drive to the empty house with william i was shaking and paranoid in the backseat. he slept like jane. he had his lips parted so slightly, and every once in a while his eyes would almost flutter open, but he remained in the arms of sleep. he was so small and fragile, i wanted to do both but protect him from the horrors of the world.

he would hold my pinky finger, and if i tried to remove it from his grasp he would only tighten his fingers around it. i had never witnessed something so pure and untainted, but there laid william with some drool dribbling from the corner of his mouth. i wiped it up with his cloth and felt a loss for words.

in a way, we both had a piece of jane within us. i had her heart, william had her dna. i don't know why i was the one to survive, not even sure how william made it out unscathed and perfectly healthy. i would always call jane an angel, never thinking there would ever be truth behind it during my lifetime.

it was complete hell the first night alone with william. going to our parenting classes, i was prepared for the shared work between jane and me. we figured changing diapers would be a team effort, at least until it was manageable to do alone. now i had no choice but to do it all alone. "mike, you put the diaper on backwards." sure, it was only a doll, but i felt foolish when jane pointed that out. she helped me fix it before placing a gentle kiss on my lips to reassure me. "we're gonna be kick-ass parents."

i didn't feel like i was doing a kick-ass job. sure, i had william fall asleep in my arms—head directly over my beating chest—but i was exhausted. it was difficult just finding enough time to cook for myself, so i felt anything but kick-ass. we didn't get out much. it was too cold and it felt like he would just freeze up like a popsicle. it was warm, and safer within the walls of the house. i just couldn't bring myself to put him in harm's way.

it was near two in the morning and i was sat in the white wicker rocking chair in the corner of his room. in a way, i had adapted to catching my few hours of sleep in his room. i couldn't place myself on the bed without jane. i patted his back after feeding him, and i just rocked and hummed in the silence of the earliest hours. i had no idea what was in store for the two of us. and it was that not knowingness that terrified me the most.

it took me a month after being released from the hospital to lay myself in the bed i shared with jane. i didn't do it alone. i placed william in the center, and i rested on my side with my elbow propped up to support my head on my hand. the afternoon sun was setting, and the orange glow captured the bedroom in its hues. i stared down at my beautiful miracle whose arms were waving about and his legs were kicking. he was becoming more active by the day, and putting on more weight. he had little green mittens on his hands and a green and white striped onesie. his hair was coming in thicker, and at the moment his eyes were a bluish grey.

it had been months since i left the morgue, and left jane. i hadn't seen her since her image was dancing along the beige wall in my hospital room. i could have been tired, but william echoed and i suddenly saw my jane on the other end of the bed mimicking my position. she was smiling down at william, and he seemed to be staring up at where she appeared to be. she didn't look me in my eyes, solely focused on our son. i couldn't say anything, i was scared to. i feared if i uttered a single sound she would disappear as quickly as she came. "you're doing such a great job, baby. he's so happy." i wanted to reach in front of me and touch her, but i knew she couldn't possibly be there. she couldn't be laying on her side on the opposite side of william speaking to me clear as day. her eyes were still trained on the wriggling infant, and her finger gently stroke his cheek. "jane, i can't do this without you." i remembered the time when she was picking paint for the nursery and was standing atop the ladder with the sun shining through and giving the illusion that she was an angel. the orange glow only amplified that. "he needs you, i can't be both of us."

she shifted her gaze from william to me, and had i still possessed my old, weak heart, i would have surely been well on my way to my grave. in the regular lightning of a room, her eyes were a rich brown, like the soil of the earth; raw and organic. with the sunlight piercing through the irises, she had pure amber pooled with flecks of sincerity; entrapping whatever they glanced at. she reached her hand out to caress my face. "oh, michael." i could have shattered at her touch. she was touching me, and talking to me. she was looking me in the eyes and reigniting the desperation for her. she dragged her hand from my face, down my neck, to the spot right over her heart that resides in my chest. "you both have me. for forever, and after that."

my comprehension of reality and fantasy were intertwined and woven into false hope. that didn't stop me from relishing in every passing moment that i felt jane's delicate hand on my chest to feel the intensity of the beating. it was the same hand that had tangled itself in my hair time after time. "jane, i need you too." the ends of her pouty lips turned up into a gentle smile.

she leaned across the bed and i felt her lips, that had kissed me more times than i could count, planted on my forehead in the most feathery nature. it was like she wasn't actually touching me, yet my entire body was kindled with electricity i had never felt before, and would never feel again. "with every breath you take, i'm right beside you breathing the same air. with any tear that falls, i'll deftly dry your eyes." i had never simultaneously felt every emotion possible. i had never wanted to shout and curse while also weep like a cloud emptying the evaporated water from the earth yet rejoice in the contentment i hadn't know since the accident. she brought her hand back over my chest, and i placed my own hand atop hers. i felt it. it was real.

"with every beat of my heart, i'll be coursing through your veins to carry you  through life. you have my heart, you've had it since our first date. with every beat of my heart, i will never forsake you. i love you, michael. always."

and just as quickly as she came, her touch, her eyes, her smile were all gone. but she was never really gone. she resided within me; for forever, and after that.

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THE END

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