aeon

eight

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how was i supposed to feel? i had never experienced such a loss, the only one i could consider was my grandfather's. but he was ill and passed when i was a child. this was different. she was a part of me, now literally. i had given her everything within my soul, now i was left empty. i knew my old heart was no good, but as i thought i heard my jane's voice i began to think my mind was going bad.

i demanded to see her. i didn't care that she was probably in the morgue, or that she was practically hollow. i needed to see my beautiful angel once more. it definitely wasn't recommended to get out of bed, even if i wasn't walking but being pushed in a wheelchair. i was being wheeled through the hallways and into the elevator before being met with the door of the room that held jane's body. i was trembling and my stomach was twisting as the door was swung open.

she was beautiful. her body lifeless and exposed to the cold steel of the table she was laying upon. eyes closed, and breath shaky, i felt everything in my body straining to lift myself from the chair. i managed to do so, with great difficulty, and i stared down at her face drained of all life. even with her skin tone possessing cool undertones rather than warm, and the ends of her lips not turned upwards into a grin, she was beautiful; like rays of sun penetrating the surface of water and creating a vision of distorted light. in a distorted and broken way, she was beautiful.

this wasn't how it was supposed to be. none of it was. i should not have been hovering over her cold, dead body weeping like an infant. i should not have been gently stroking her skin, tracing the contours of her cheekbones and jawline. i should not have been with the knowledge that i would have to say goodbye; goodbye forever. i should not have been alive, plain and simple. yet here i was, carrying out these heart wrenching actions, exerting any last bit of energy i could muster up.

had i not been in physical pain from the bruising along my body and the operation, i would have made someone pinch me. surely this catastrophe was a nightmare and i would wake up in a slight sweat to pull jane closer to me, afraid to let her go. if that were the case, my muscles wouldn't throb and my head wouldn't be physically tired. i wanted to wake up, but it was all real. it was my life, something i would have to live with until the day i die.

i'm not sure if there is a standard time frame you're allowed to spend with your loved one. obviously, everyone dies and follows the circle of life, or sometimes people are only temporary, no matter how permanent you want them to be, they'll slip from your grasp and it's out of your control. what about when they're lying on a slab of metal with a sheet covering up to their shoulders and their chest is no longer rising and falling? what's your given time frame to spend with them as you received a shit excuse of closure? how can you even depart from them? how could i leave her after eight years, and with the image of her being so cold?

as my fingertips danced through her hair and across her face, nothing mattered. she was still my beautiful wife, the only person i craved to be with for eternity, the only one i have ever truly loved, my jane. i kissed her forehead , and let my lips linger on the ice of her skin.

"thank you, jane. i love you always."

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