nightfall || minsung

Chapter 15

He smirked. "You won't put me in your cheeks and store me away for winter?"

Because I look like a squirrel. Very original, love. Oh, how I'd like to stuff him into a tree's hollow and protect him forever. The fact that I couldn't must have been showing on my face.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm just—" I assembled my thoughts. The truth was out of my mouth on an exhale. "I'm worried that... this is too inhuman. Too much. At some point, there has to be something I tell you or show you that's too much for you, and you... you'll run."

He rolled his eyes. "That's insane. You're glowing — it's beautiful."

"It's not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shown you."

"Why, because it's not human?" It was almost a sneer.

"Because it's misleading. It's me sending mixed messages." It's me being completely and totally in love with you, keeping myself from you, pushing you away while simultaneously drawing you in. "I've treated you badly, I haven't been a good" — I cringed — "friend."

"It's — it's whatever." He shrugged.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing." His voice was more than annoyed — he sounded angry. He heaved a shoulder-raising breath. "How are you 'misleading' me?"

"I'm not done thinking about us yet," I mumbled. "About letting you in."

"Then why did you bring me here?"

"I was looking at you, and I just wanted less space between us." I had remembered the drive back from Port Angeles and wanted that kind of privacy again. I must have been high. Less space between us was the opposite of what we needed.

"And yet, you're still undecided," he murmured.

"Sorry."

"You're just so in your head." The anger was there again, colouring the way his words marched past his lips. "We're alone, in this awesome meadow, and all you can do is worry and regret."

"Sorry."

"You don't think about how it could be confusing or destabilizing for me. I get that you need to think about it, and, yeah, I haven't given you a very long time, but I... I'm giving you my heart. And you're making me wait."

The shame was back, like my skin was made of lead. You villain, I thought, how could you take his heart and mishandle it?

"I don't mean to—"

"It makes me feel like you don't care about me."

"I care about you, Minho—"

"Then act like it!"

All I could do was whisper, "I'm so sorry."

"All you ever do is apologize. Don't say you want me if you're immediately gonna call me your friend. You keep pulling me close and shutting me out, flirting with me and acting like I'm so insane for thinking that you might like me as much as I like you. And all you have to say for it is 'I'm sorry.'"

"I'm s—" I shut my stupid mouth and fixed my posture. "I mean, I don't know what to do. It's not like I'm doing this to hurt you. It's bigger than me just 'letting you in.'"

His eyes grew distant, watery. He sniffed once. Had I... made him cry? I'd thought I couldn't hate myself any more than I already did, but the pit was bottomless, a blackhole.

"If it's such a big risk, then don't let me in. But you can't keep me around on your own terms, either. Make a decision, Jisung."

I kept my eyes downcast.