If I Go

“I think we should break up” my voice wavers in my ears, and I fight hard not to cry. Yongguk looks at me like I’m crazy.

“What?” He looks so devastated, and I feel like killing myself.

“I said, I think we should break up” I don’t look him in the eyes, and will him to understand. To not fight. It was better this way, for him.

“Why? What did I do?” He stares at me, and his gaze, usually intense but now filled with pain and anger nearly made me crumple to the floor. But I force myself to continue. Drive the fact that we can’t be together anymore into him.

“It’s just; I’ve lost feelings for you. I used to love you, and I still do, but not that way.  You’re just a hyung to me” This was for him. To protect him. If he hated me, then that would be okay. As long as he wouldn’t get hurt. My face is turning red, and my eyes are starting to water. I was going to cry if I didn’t get out of here soon. Yongguk looked like a lost puppy that I had hit. In the face. With a hammer.

“You’re joking. I’m going to wake up, and this isn’t going to be true.” Yongguk stuttered. I have never heard him stutter in the entire time we had been together. I gazed at him, trying to convey what I felt without saying anything. I wanted to yell ‘I still love you! Please, I don’t mean any of it!’ But I can’t, because it wasn’t my life on the line. It was Yongguk’s. I watched his face carefully as a change came over him. His eyes turned bleak, and he seemed to lose all the energy.

“Get out” He snarled at me. He was mad at me. That was okay, I tried to remind myself. It meant he wouldn’t come back to me. But I didn’t want him to be mad. God, I was selfish. If he was mad, then he would hate me. He would move on, over the person who broke his heart. I didn’t want him to.

“Can we just talk about this?” I wanted to spill all my thoughts, everything that had happened. If I did that though, his life and mine would be at stake.

“Get. Out!” Yongguk suddenly grabbed me and hauled me out of his apartment. Despite how much it hurt, I enjoyed it because it would be the last time he would ever touch me. No more hugs or kisses. No more BangHim. He slammed the door in my face, and I tried to memorize his perfect face into my memory. Too bad it was twisted with hate and anger. At me.

I slowly walked down the stairs, trying hard not to break down for everyone to see. I finally got home and collapsed onto my bed. This entire thing my fault. I remember the day that Yongguk’s friends came to me, angry because he had left Soul Connection because of me.

“Hey, if it isn’t the pretty faced boy!” Yongguk’s friends sauntered up to me, with his hands swinging and pants on his knees. I pulled a face. I didn’t get why they wore them like that. They boy talking to me…Yongguk introduced him to me once. I think his name was Taecyeon? He was tall and muscular, and looked like he wanted to beat me up.

“H-Hello” I did a quick bow, not looking any of them in the face. There were five of them, including Taecyeon. I remembered their name. GDragon, Kyuhyun, Hoon, and Zico. All were very dirty and wearing baggy clothing.

“Ooh, look. Pretty boy is showing respect” Kyuhyun sneered.

“Good thing too. We deserve respect, don’t we?” Zico laughed.

“We’re brothers, you know that? And we don’t like it when someone takes our brother and turns him GAY” GDragon swaggered up to me, his pants falling even lower. I whimpered, because he scared me and he smelt bad.

“Aweh, don’t hurt the poor, cute, sweet, beautiful boy. He might break a fingernail” Hoon said, and earned laughs. I was very scared. Looking around, the entire street was empty. I was coming home from shopping with my friends, and I gripped my bag tighter in my hand. They surrounded me, poking me and laughing when I yelped or whimpered.