Behind us

You already know that I care about you, that you are my best friend. No, let's not state the obvious, you don't like it. Sentiment.

I sight looking at my shoes, all of a sudden they are good enough target to look at. You clear your throat, maybe to get my attention. Oh, you always have it, you are aware that I can't ignore you for too long even if I try.

I remember all the times I did try to ignore you when we were lacking case (well... you were), your anger, desperation in voice begging for a murder, for a robbery, anything that can be solved. That's when you were the weakest, hunger for nicotine and other drugs taking control over you.

Until yesterday I thought this is the most human I saw you. As I stood next to that white, freshly cleaned sofa I saw you on the screen, digging me up from under the bonfire, not caring about the flames around us. My heart skips a beat when I remind myself of a fear I was experiencing then. No, John, this is not the time.

But I allow my thoughts to wander, this is better than actually acknowledging that I am never going to see you again.

You say my name and I can't resist. I look at you and just like that I am not able to look away. Your lips are curved into a little smile that does not reach your eyes. You want to say something that makes me smile, that's a good strategy. Good. Make me smile, Sherlock. Please, because I am confident that when the plane takes off I will never smile again.

"William Sherlock Scott Holmes."

I raise my brows.

"Beg your pardon?"

"That's the whole of it. If you would look for baby names in the future."

I let a little chuckle escape through my lips.

You have no idea. For the very first time you are clueless about something and for the very first time I wish you weren't.

We had a row yesterday. I blame her for your departure and I am not sure if I can ever get over it. Pissed not even certain about what... I guess nothing particular and everything in between.

Or maybe you know? You know we fought, deduced it by the way we left the car, closed the door or by the scent of my cologne. Well that is possible.

Are you telling me I shouldn't blame her? That after you leave I should give Mary a second chance and have children with her?

Of course you know. How naïve of me to think that you don't...

Do you know I thought about divorce in the middle of the night? About leaving her and going with you, wherever it would be? Of course you know.

I was lying on my back, looking at the ceiling with such intensity like I could actually see a room above me if I concentrated hard enough. I was thinking about things that happened for the last few weeks. I was thinking about you. I tend to do that when everything around me is overwhelming. I imagine you just laying beside me with your eyes on the same ceiling as mine, not saying a word to me. It's comforting, you know? Your presence.

You are my mind palace. I am too stupid to actually come up with some place so i came up with the most intelligent person i know. You help me with my problems, anything that leaves your mouth sounds clever and more accurate.

I tell you about the divorce, you are not surprised. Of course, you are flicker of my imagination.

I don't think I can ever forgive her for putting you in this position, for shooting you.

"I would be in this position anyway, John. I had a case." I flinch. Why are you justifying her actions?

"No, you wouldn't. We were in his office, for fuck's sake, you actually proposed to get in there and if it wasn't for Mary, we would've known the letters weren't in the safe. We would 've left, you wouldn't have been shot. Everything went awry, because she didn't want her lies to resurface."