Lady Hyacinth Grimm vs the Nautilus

Chapter 2: The Traveling Position that Didn't

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Five weeks later, Hyacinth barged into Professor Thrikopolis' office in a state of advanced rumpledness, leaning on her Frankenstein's Abomination of Science. The left half of her updo had given up in a poof of frizzy orange hair, and the less said about the state of her hat, the better. Worst of all, her skirts were torn in a way that—if her boots hadn't been knee-high—would have displayed a significant amount of ankle.

"You are supposed to be rounding the Cape of Good Hope," Doctor Thrikopolis said.

The Abomination shook their leg to dislodge the weasel that had taken a bite out of it. The weasel had learned its lesson, though; formaldehyde-preserved flesh tasted terrible.

Hyacinth straightened her clothes as best she could and plucked a few splinters from her hair. "I regret to inform you, doctor, that Her Royal Majesty's Ship Unbreachable was punctured below the waterline while leaving harbor."

Doctor Thrikopolis gently thumped her head on her desk.

"Also, Her Royal Majesty's Ship Unsinkable—"

"Don't! I don't want to hear it." How could a woman so safe as a mad scientist be so dangerous as a passenger? If Hyacinth had a tenth of the death count in the lab as she had on her travels, Thrikopolis would grant her First Class rank with honors.

"The sailors tried to sacrifice me to a wrathful sea god," Hyacinth said. "I was excited until I realized that, rather than send me through a portal to the elder gods' realm, they just wanted to kill me in Neptune's name." Hyacinth had objected to that. Strenuously. With pointed-toe boots. Then her Abomination had rescued her.

"How passé," Thrikopolis said. The Roman pantheon hadn't been in vogue for years. "I suppose that is the excuse for your appearance?"

"No, the train I took back from the coast jumped the rails. Quite an inconvenience; I'd been assured they were efficient. Then the buggy overturned—"

"Go home," Doctor Thrikopolis begged.

"No."

"Fine. Fine, I'll come up with something..." Doctor Thrikopolis trailed off as one of the squirrels waved a piece of paper from the bottom of her "incoming" stack. Doctor Thrikopolis frowned at the squirrel, which looked back at her and twitched its nose. Either her animals were now responding to her subconscious commands, or they were becoming dangerously intelligent. The paper was a letter from Her Royal Majesty's navy, requesting urgent assistance on--

No. That would be wrong. True, the crew probably hadn't heard any rumors about Lady Grimm's luck, and the vessel would be traveling far from the Royal University, but--

I shouldn't be considering this. Even if she didn't cause a cataclysm just by boarding it, Hyacinth would drive everyone on board to murder within hours. And if something does go wrong... there are no second chances a hundred fathoms deep.

Thrikopolis pushed the paper aside and wracked her brain. She tried to ignore her sudden craving for nuts. "I have a former colleague in Kirkwhelpington who is breeding intelligent slugs," Thrikopolis said, trying to recall the details. Three hundred miles away was still too close, but given Hyacinth's luck with transit she probably couldn't be sent further. "I'll have Charlie bully him into making a research position for you."

"No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no no nooooooo!" Hyacinth stomped her foot. The heel of her boot snapped off, ricocheted off the desk and nearly hit a nesting squirrel. The squirrel and its mate chittered angrily.

Doctor Thrikopolis throttled an urge to join in with the scolding. "What's wrong now?"

"For one thing, I hate slugs. Their flesh isn't nearly as tender as snails', and they become chewy as soon as you add salt. For another, I'm hardly going to meet my romantic lead in northern England. I need to travel the world! Or at least to Paris."

"Your... romantic lead?" As accustomed as Doctor Thrikopolis was to managing mad scientists, she still struggled to follow the twists of this woman's mind.

"Yes. The tall, dark, handsome man who will fall madly in love with me and sweep me off my feet. We shall meet in some exotic locale, so northern England is simply out of the question. I demand that you find me another type of conveyance!"

Frustration beginning to boil, Thrikopolis reconsidered the Navy's request. It would finally rid her of this woman. "I do have an opportunity, but it would be very dangerous--"

"I don't care! My airships crashed, my boats sank, my train derailed and I was nearly sacrificed to an out-of-fashion god. I deserve this, and you will give me another chance!"

"Very well," Doctor Thrikopolis said. "One last chance. You are hereby assigned to Her Royal Majesty's Submersible Widowmaker."